the blogger in the plastic bubble

I have been spending the entire evening working on the “I Survived the Bikini Wax Disaster” t-shirts, and didn’t work on a blog at all!  I did get some interesting feedback tonight however.  It seems that some of my readers have missed the humor in the near constant predicaments and incidents that would appear to be hazardous to my health.  Someone actually thought it was sad that I was regularly falling, hitting my head, having spontaneous muscle spasms in my neck, and other seemingly horrible events that befall me on a daily basis.  Depressing was the word used, I think.  Well, I certainly hope no one out there is feeling a sense of depression after reading about my practically life threatening clumsiness.  Some of us just have equilibrium issues, and honestly, I think it’s funny!  I wouldn’t sit here typing up tales of destruction to gain sympathy.  In fact, if I didn’t think it was hysterical, I would hardly put it down in print. Besides, having a bad day, or a sad day, or just a disasterously clumsy day is just a great measuring tool to help us appreciate the truly wonderful days life has to offer.  Can’t have the good without the bad, can’t have the happy without the sad…(or something like that.)

I would also like to address the comments I have received asking if I am really that clumsy.  Yes.  I am.  I am easily surrounded by more than ten people during the business day, and at least nine of them have witnessed my clumsiness first hand.  They all find it very funny too.  I tend to think that one of my gifts in this life is to make others laugh at my minor misfortunes.  And they are almost always minor.  I’ve never even broken a bone!

Today for example…I closed my hair in the car door.  I was wearing a neck brace.  It was really, really hard to disentangle my hair from the door while wearing a neck brace.  I was simultaneously frustrated and amused.  Do these kinds of things happen to other people or is it just me?  

And about that neck brace…

The pain in my neck has prompted me to wear said neck brace to prevent spontaneous spasming.  This new practice has brought with it an onslaught of questions as to “what did you do now?” and “you really are a hazard to your own health.” Everyone has assumed that I have fallen, or crashed, or otherwise caused trauma to myself thereby bringing about the neck pain.  The truth of the situation is far less exciting than what everyone imagines.  But the explanation is so long winded and tedious that I’ve found myself just nodding (limited nodding in a cervical collar) and smiling and promising that they “don’t want to know.”  And honestly, they probably don’t want to know.  It’s not exciting, or even funny.  It’s unfortunate, and uncomfortable…and somehow congenital if I am to believe my mother, and I have no reason not to.  Lucky for me it’s a rare thing to have muscle cramps in my neck.  It’s only happened once in each decade of my life, and apparently I was due!  But because no one believes the truth, or because they would just rather it was something more comical, I’ve decided to come up with creative excuses.  For example…I think next time someone asks me what happened, I’ll just say…”there are some things one should not do in a moving vehicle.”  Or maybe I’ll just ask them, “Did you realize you can get whiplash from dancing on a stripper pole?”  I could toss out the old standby, “You should see the other guy!”   Today I just left them with the simple truth.  “It’s just one of the many benefits of being me.”  It didn’t satisfy the questions, but it was met with an understanding nod. 

So I guess I’ll have to be more careful sleeping from now on.  Even a poorly positioned pillow can be a dangerous weapon if I’m around.  Someone suggested that I get one of those protective bubbles to keep out germs and sharp corners.  I wonder if a nice big roll of bubble wrap would do.  Hey, it couldn’t hurt!

Until the next time…I’ll be rolling myself in bubble wrap before heading out of the house!

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Posted on April 22, 2010 .