Erica Lucke Dean

"Making the world a better place, one book at a time."

the vagina rules

I was thinking about rules the other day. How some rules are important and some are just stupid. Like, don’t eat raw cookie dough. Who listens to that? But isn’t that always the way? I’ve even broken a few of my own rules. But I admit it…if other people break my rules, I get annoyed. Especially the really important rules.

I wrote this guest post for RachelintheOc a while back, and if you missed it, here ya go…this is practically a golden rule.

I was chatting with a friend the other day.   

We were basically having a group venting session, dredging up everything that irritates us about life, and people in general.  It felt really good to give the proverbial “stab” to the things we find annoying.  And when talking about the stuff that bugs us, the conversation always manages to come around to the topic of men…specifically husbands.

So this is how it went…Fake people? Stab.  Snobby people?  Stab.  Husbands?  Stab, stab, stab!!!
Living with a man is often enough to make a girl dream of a deserted island, a bottle of chardonnay, and a dirty romance novel.  And “honey” can stay at home, thank you very much!
My friend finally summed it up by saying, “When it comes to men…honestly, I only like the sex. But I could get that without having to live with them.”

Food for thought, for sure. 

But I had to disagree.  I like having a guy.  I just wish I didn’t have to deal with his shit.
For example…My husband has this really annoying habit of refusing to talk to me just because I don’t understand what he’s trying to say.  I can’t seem to drill it into his head that he needs to explain things.  I mean, really explain things.  I was like…dude, I’m a woman.  We need more words.  Lots of words.  Full sentences if you can manage it.  Hell, if you have time, draw a map.  

The more information the better. 

Did hubby get the point?  Of course not.  Instead, he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening. And he wonders why I get pissed off.

What is it about guys?  They say they love women.  They claim to want a woman in their lives.  But they refuse to understand the inner workings of a woman. So what’s a girl to do? I just gave it to him straight. 

“If you want a vagina…you have to play by the vagina’s rules.”

And ladies, let’s face it…the vagina has a whole lot of rules. This vagina likes to be talked to.  And listened to.  I don’t mean gaping at me with a dazed expression and the faint sound of crickets chirping in the background.  No, I want real listening.  The kind that might even include appropriate responses from time to time.  I know you’re pretending to listen.  You know you’re pretending to listen.  Let’s just stop pretending and actually talk. 

It’s called a “conversation” guys.  I know…big word.  Look it up.

The vagina also likes attention.  But I don’t mean JUST the vagina.  You guys seem to think there’s only part of a woman that needs attention.  Trust me…that’s as far from the truth as you can get.  I know it’s a foreign concept.  I know the penis is the control center of the man.  But like I said before…if you want a vagina you’d better figure out how it works. 

Think of the vagina as a sink.  It’s a broad generalization, but stay with me here.  If you want to fill a sink with water, no amount of touching the sink is going to get the job done.  You have to turn on the faucet.  The faucet is the control center. 

Are you still with me?

Find the control center in the woman.  Start with the conversation (that’s the talking part, remember?); from there, you can find your way to the other stuff. 

Basically, a vagina is a complex organism controlled by an even more complex organism…a woman. But trust me, if you take the time to figure it out, your life (and ours) will be a whole lot easier. 
So I’m sure you’re wondering how my husband responded to my list of rules.  The same way he responds to everything…in as few words as possible.  Hey, it’s all good.  For as little as he said, I’m pretty sure he got the point.  

A vagina has a whole lot of rules, but what it all comes down to is this…Vaginas rule!

Until the next time…I’ll be breaking a few rules of my own.

Copyright © 2000-2016, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.