Never give a dog a bath in the back yard. Even on a sunny day. They will always find the closest pile of dried red clay to roll in. This is much harder to wash out than any dirt that was on the dog prior to the bath. Oh, and red clay stains everything. Including the dog. And the inside of the shower.
Never play ball in the yard with a wet dog, especially if there is still a muddy spot anywhere for them to drop the ball into. They love this and will always bring the muddy ball immediately back to you and drop it in your lap.
Never announce to the world (while in the grocery store, specifically) that your jeans are dirty because the dogs kept putting their dirty balls on you. People will always misconstrue this statement to mean something entirely different! I know this from experience. No one ever assumes you meant tennis balls. Ever.
Never shop for groceries on an empty stomach. This is the first rule of grocery shopping and possibly more important than, be sure your legs are shaved all the way around before entering the grocery store. Cookies are impossible to pass up if you haven’t eaten.
Never say, “Maybe” to a teenager. In their native language, this is translated directly into, “Absolutely! Why didn’t I think of that?”
Never assume that half of a sleeping pill will only make you half as sleepy—or drool half as much. For some strange reason, cutting it in half makes it twice as dangerous. You will still feel hung-over in the morning, and you will probably wear your shirt inside out in addition to your underwear. (Trust me on this one!)
Never agree to taste something that someone else has rejected as being “gross”. This is never a good idea. Always take their word for it, just in case. This may mean the kids will get away with not eating something you wanted them to eat, but it may just save you from tasting something that should never be tasted.
Never wash your sheets on a rainy day. This will almost always ensure that the dogs will jump on your bed with muddy feet.
Never put the cat box over a heating vent. This should be fairly self explanatory, and yet, somehow escaped scrutiny until far too late!
More good advice…
Always double check your underwear before leaving the house. This should be done more than once if possible, especially when you have to go to the doctor. Somehow underwear can flip prior to putting pants on.
Always hide the chocolate in the freezer behind the frozen turkey burgers and green vegetables. This is the absolute last place the children will look for something good to eat. It is also a good practice to save the empty turkey burger boxes to fill with frozen delights.
Always color-code your clothing to match the food you will eat that day. Law of nature promises that any red sauce will always find the front of any brand new light colored blouse, permanently ruining it. Red sauce never drips onto a dark colored blouse. This has been scientifically proven!
Always keep a pack of gum in your purse to chew immediately after eating chocolate of any kind. This should also be chewed after eating hamburgers and/or french fries. Most men can immediately detect these foods on your breath and will catch you in the act of cheating on your diet. Menthol cough drops will also work for this purpose.
Always use customized ring tones for friends and family. You will be able to tell immediately if this call should be answered (your mother) or ignored (your ex-husband).
Always buy toilet paper when at the grocery store. Even if you don’t think you need it. You always need it. And you will always forget to buy it when you REALLY need it. So just get in the habit of getting some every time. If you don’t, you will be begging your husband to go back to the store at ten-thirty on a Sunday night because you ate way too many baked beans with your blueberry and pomegranate health food juice for dinner! Not that this has ever happened to me…I’m just saying.
Always remember to set your alarm before going to bed. Be sure to make sure you have checked the am/pm setting to be sure the alarm will go off in the morning. Also be sure you have selected the on/off setting to on. This is especially important on a Sunday night.
Always share the daily blog with all your friends!
You didn’t think I’d miss a chance to remind everyone did you?
Until the next time…I’ll be thinking up the next crap to surprise you with.