I have just come to the horrifying conclusion that this whole "food chain" thing is relative. Not relative to where you fall in the food chain as much as where you fall in the backyard. ​

I'm wondering if I can petition the DMV for a handicapped license plate. Because, I promise you, clumsiness can be life threatening.

The pigs tried to eat me again. This isn't exactly news. They've tried before, but they're bigger now, and like George Orwell said, they're smart enough to lead a revolution. ​The ridiculous thing is, I was in there to feed ​them. Ok, maybe that's just ironic or something. Woman goes into pig pen to feed them and gets eaten. News at eleven. Sure, I get it. It's sorta funny in a sick sadistic way. I know my hus...I mean, imaginary dead president...got a belly laugh out of the whole thing when I called to tell him. I didn't have to see his face to know it had tears running down it. He couldn't catch his breath, he was laughing so hard. And not just because of the pigs...no it was because I managed to splash kerosine over my entire body too. I was attempting to fill the tanks for the heaters when I got the nozzle stuck in the fill spout opening and as I tried to wrangle it free, fuel was raining down on me.

Yeah, I get it. You want to laugh. I'd probably laugh too if the adrenaline would take it down a notch so I wasn't still shaking like Ray Charles in rehab (hey, Jamie Foxx won an Oscar for that scene)​.

So here I am...hungry (I was going to eat AFTER doing the farm chores), cold (I only ended up getting half the fuel in one ​of the tanks after all that wrestling around)​, smelly (I was accosted by mammals that frolic in their own feces for fun and then poured kerosine over my entire body) and on top of that...well, hell, could it possible get worse than that? (I smell like I slept in a gas station restroom) oh wait...it can get worse. Someone had to go to the office today so I have no car, no Diet Coke, no chocolate, and no wine.

And I feel a case of PMS coming on.

But at least the IDP got a good laugh out of it. My work here is done.​

Until the next time...I'll be taking a long hot shower!​