writers write…right?

Reality check.  I started this website so people would have an opportunity to read what I write.  So I write every day.  Even when there doesn’t seem to be anything much to write about.  It’s a challenge that I refuse to back down from.  No matter how tired, no matter how busy, no matter how deep the writer’s block goes, I will come up with something to entertain the people who grace my website with their daily presence. 

But I can’t forget that at the core, I am a fiction writer.  I have finished two books that I am trying to find publishers for (sample chapters availble on the books page) And three more that are more than half way finished.  I suppose I could have tried harder.  Admittedly, I haven’t tried very hard.  I wrote query letters, but after some well timed advice, I decided to start a website and a blog before sending the rest of the queries out.  Well, here we are.  I have a website.  I have a blog.  And I have a fairly nice following.  I’m well on my way!  But I still have to keep writing.  I have three books to finish.   So tonight I’m devoting my blog time to just writing. 

In the middle of the chaos that was my Sunday, I was checking on the comments left on the daily blog (I actually do read all of the comments.)  I was surprised to find a fairly unkind remark made by a random reader telling me that I was pathetic, and my life was pathetic, and my blog was pathetic, and I should stop writing, put down the cookies and get some exercise.  My first thought was, let’s delete this post—which I quickly did.  But then I had second thoughts.  Maybe I should have left the comment up for my devoted fans to read.  I’m sure at least someone would have said, “Wow, who the hell are you?”  Because, while my life may be chaotic, it’s hardly pathetic—outside of the random moments that we all inevitably have from time to time.  Aside from writing my blog, and my books, I am also the mother of four relatively intelligent children, three of which are on the home stretch of adulthood—one of those three is arguably already there.  I am also a full time business banker (and bank officer) for a very big bank, and I’m pretty good at what I do.  Certainly not the stuff of pathetic existences the world over.

I suppose my initial reaction was to have hurt feelings over that comment, but after careful consideration, I actually find it funny.  For anyone to think that my blog is meant to be a serious look at my life rather than what it is—a humorous look at those moments in everyone’s life where things just don’t go the way you would have liked.  Sure, I’m clumsy…and accident prone…and I have probably eaten too many Girl Scout cookies this year, but I’m inclined to laugh at my shortcomings rather than cry over them.  So consider this a boisterous shout out to all of my family, friends, readers and fans who have ever had one of those moments where somebody, somewhere, may have called you pathetic.  Life can often be a fuck sandwich, and we can either choke on it, or enjoy the hell out of it.  I, for one, would prefer to squeeze every drop of joy out of every minute I draw breath.  So if someone decides to find that pathetic, that’s ok.  I’m fine with that.  After all, I have a blog to write.  And books to finish.  And kids to feed.  And dogs to walk.  And a husband to cuddle with.  And because today is the first day of daylight savings time, I have one less hour in the day to do it in.  I’d better get cracking!

Until the next time…I’ll be writing!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

damn the plans!

After my Friday plans went completely awry, I decided to scrap the whole idea of making plans for the rest of the weekend.  I figured if I didn’t plan, I wouldn’t be disappointed when they all fell apart.

I came home from my busy Saturday at the bank to discover my husband cleaning the house.  He had brought the planting table into the kitchen and planted four trays of seed starters to ready the plants for the garden.  They will spend their germinating time in the sunny window of my breakfast room.  He had also cleaned the laundry room, organized the kitchen, cleaned and sealed the granite countertops and did the dishes!  But as usual, a good house cleaning has its casualties. 

Everything from the laundry room was scattered throughout the dining room and the main hall but I just didn’t care.  Mike asked me what I had planned for Saturday and I said, “Nothing…I’m not planning.”  He didn’t really like that.  He likes to plan, but I felt liberated. 

I picked the girls up from their friend’s after last night’s sleepover, and they asked me, “What’s the plan?” To which I said.  “Nothing…I’m not planning.”  They checked me for fever, and I’m sure they secretly suspected some form of dementia, but they didn’t complain. 

Living in a world without plans is utter chaos! 

I think I might like chaos.  We spotted a pack of dealers…I mean Girl Scouts…standing on the side of the road, so I made a legal U-turn and scored three boxes of Thin Mints.  I hadn’t planned for it, but miraculously, I had cash in my purse.  I never have cash! 

After downing an entire box of Thin Mints (I had help!) I spent the better part of the afternoon sitting in the passenger seat of my car while my daughter drove me around town getting job applications.  Did I mind?  Nope!  I didn’t have any plans.

As it got closer to dinner, I was asked, “What are we having for dinner?” And I said, (can you guess?) that’s right, I said, “I don’t care.  I have no plans!” 

My husband made stew.  It was pretty good.  I don’t know what the meat was (he doesn’t eat cow anymore.) I suspected it might be the rabbit that has been ransacking his garden lately, but I decided its best not to ask questions.  At least all the dogs were accounted for. 

And after dinner Mike and I watched a movie in our room (somehow he had managed to get through the past decade without having seen The Sixth Sense) And when it was over (without making a single plan for my blog) I decided to take my husband, my daughter, and my best friend to see Remember Me.  What could be better than an evening out with Robert Pattinson?

All this without a single concrete plan! 

Of course, when I got home from the movie, my chaos theory came crashing down around me when I came to the startling discovery that an entire day without plans leaves one pitifully unprepared to write a daily blog. 

No matter!  Since when does the daily blog have to be planned out?  Since when do I need notes?  Or ideas?  Or even tangible activities to write about?  Most days I stare at the screen well past ten thirty with absolutely no idea what I will write, and still manage to come up with magic by the stroke of midnight.  I just got a later start tonight. (Or, as it happens, this morning.)

I think I might like this living without plans.  I think I might do this more often.  I think I might…well, I have no idea what I might…I’m not making plans!

Until the next time…I have no idea what I’ll be doing!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

so much for well laid plans

I had a wonderful plan for my Friday night.  A three tiered plan.  It involved wings, a movie, and a little romance.  But before I could reach Friday night, I first had to navigate Friday.

It rained most of the day.  There were moments of sunshine that teased the imagination into thinking that it might be a nice day, but just as soon as the happy feelings set in, the rain washed them clean away.  Not a bad metaphor if it actually leads into something, but unfortunately, it just sort of fizzled out in the rain. 

And honestly, I like a good rain—especially when it’s accompanied by a nice bout of thunder and lightning.  There were a few moments where the thunder had promise, but like the sun, it never fully materialized.  No matter…I had a wonderful plan, and no amount of thunder-less rain was going to spoil it.

As work days go, today wasn’t bad.  I had a nice blend of quiet and busy to keep me comfortable most of the afternoon, right up until the end where it peaked with a strong dose of busy, but in a nice quiet atmosphere.  The only thing that could have made it better would have been if I didn’t have to work tomorrow. 

Oh well…I will have a full day off during the week, and it’s always nice to have a day off in the middle of the work week. 

So when I escaped the bank at six thirty-eight this evening, I was ready to squeeze as much fun into my night as is humanly possible. 

There was a slight hitch in my plan.

Mike wasn’t home from work yet.  It doesn’t seem fair for me to be home, ready to go, and he is still driving from the other side of town. 

I kept myself busy with the last tube of Girl Scout cookies and a glass of goat’s milk (Mike has decided cows are evil, remember?) while I waited.  Then I had a handful of pistachios, and some gold fish crackers.  I was really hungry!  It was after seven and Mike wasn’t home yet.  I was just about to tear into another bag of Halls menthol throat lozenges when he finally rolled up the driveway at twenty minutes to eight. 

The first phase of my Friday night plan was officially set in motion as we pulled up to my favorite place for wings. 

My first instinct was to flee. 

There was a thirty minute wait.  I absolutely HATE waiting!  Cooler heads prevailed, as they say, when Mike declared that in the time we would take to find a new place to eat we could be seated and ordering wings.  This was a valuable lesson learned several blogs ago.  I reluctantly agreed and we gave our name to the hostess.

During our thirty minute wait, I discovered that my wonderful, sometimes romantic, always practical husband had absolutely no intention of going to the movies with me.  Especially if the movie had Rob Pattinson involved in any capacity.   I fought the urge to crumble with disappointment.  I still had two out of three things I could accomplish with my wonderful plan for Friday night.  I was going to have my favorite wings, and there was still time for a little romance.  Even more time if we were skipping the movie!

The wings were all wrong! The worst wings I’d ever had at my favorite wing place. They were coated in far too much sauce which made them way too hot to eat.  I sent them back only to get fresh wings with just as much sauce as the first batch.  Dinner was officially ruined!  My mouth was on fire and they sent blue cheese instead of ranch for my carrot sticks.  I couldn’t even eat the French fries without transparent disenchantment (big words are needed to describe big disappointment.)  I packed up my ruined wings in a to-go box and went home. 

No wings.  No movie.  Nothing left to hope for but a little romance—and time was running out!

I had to work in the morning! I did not have unlimited time to work up to romance.  We had to be on the fast track.  But romance cannot be rushed.  Romance does not like to be scripted.  Romance must just happen without prodding or poking…well…maybe a little poking… (Insert funny replies here!)

It was eleven thirty.  The hope for romance was dwindling.  The light was dimming and about to go out.  What started out as a wonderful plan for a Friday night had disintegrated into a sad precursor for a good night’s sleep.  I hate to sound like a spoiled brat here, but (stamping my foot) it’s not fair!  I can sleep when I’m dead!  I want excitement on a Friday night, and I want it now!  Oh wait…I can always watch Twilight on my laptop. 

Time to officially make a new wonderful Friday night plan for the last few minutes of Friday night.

Until the next time…I’ll be falling asleep in Forks!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

up on the rooftop…click click click

I found myself on the roof of my house this evening.  Not someplace I am meant to be, I can assure you.  The circumstances aren’t overly important, although I will say that it was indirectly related to symptoms of PMS, as I find most bad things are.  I am actually compiling a list of all the things I can blame on PMS. I may need to edit it before posting it in the blog however, as it is currently several pages long, and smeared with tear stains, mascara, and possibly just a little blood from where my fingers dug into the pen with a little too much vigor.   

The first thing I noticed while on the roof was how well made my roof is (actually it was the second thing I noticed, the first thing I noticed was how slippery wet shingles are.) The next important revelation I made was that I don’t ever want to be on my roof again.  I can’t imagine anyone going up on the roof on purpose.  And yet, as I have teenagers, I know for a fact that they can imagine a whole lot more than I can. 

I have several layers to my roofline.  The roof over the front porch is easily accessible through my daughter’s bedroom window—very convenient when it’s time to hang Christmas wreaths—and the porch roof connects to another level as it wraps around the house.  Essentially, someone could climb out my daughter’s window, walk around the side and up an angle and around to the other side and climb back in my son’s bedroom window.  I know this because my son once did this in reverse to cause his sister to scream uncontrollably in the dark of the night when she saw eyes peering in her window. 

Yes, he was reprimanded for this. 

And yes.  I laughed once I sent them to their rooms. 

The kids have been prohibited from going out on the roof, although I suspect they still do when no one is home.  I have spies in place to catch them in the act so I can devise some punishment that will, once and for all, discourage them from roof walking. 

The funny thing about my roof is that the kids aren’t the only ones to find their way out there.

I got a phone call from a neighbor once to say that there was something that looked like a reindeer running around on my roof. 

“A reindeer?”  I asked.

A reindeer…without antlers.  Apparently, it was just running around from the front of the house to the rear and then back again.  Presumably looking for the chimney, I suspected.  I didn’t pay much attention to the call until about an hour later when I noticed that my dog was missing. 

It suddenly dawned on me that in the dusky light of evening, my little boxer/bulldog mix could look like one of Santa’s reindeer minus the horns.  So I ran to the front of the house like a flash, and looked up at the roof line of my house.  There, like a reindeer without his sleigh was my little Joey, running around with a stick in his mouth—undoubtedly something he pulled out of one of the gutters. 

I told the dog to sit, and I ran back inside and up the stairs to my daughters room where I discovered an open window (minus the screen) where Joey had obviously gone out.  I leaned out of the window and called the dog until he came trotting to the window and climbed back in wagging his tail. 

Joey has always had a knack for disappearing.  There was one night in particular that our daughter Lauren heard him crying at night, but couldn’t find him.  She looked in the closets to see if he’d been locked in.  She looked outside her bedroom door to see if he was waiting to be let in.  She looked in Alexa’s room, to see if he was trying to get out.  But he was nowhere to be found, so she went back to bed.  After a few more minutes she heard him cry again, and thought the sound was coming from her bathroom, so she opened the door, but he wasn’t in the bathroom. 

He was outside the bathroom window!  On the second story roof yet again!  Somehow he had gotten out a window that was closed behind him and he had been trapped on the roof.  How long he was out there is anybody’s guess. 

We are much more careful with leaving windows open.  I think Mike wishes the geriatric Labradors would wander out a window, but they seem to have much more sense than that.  With age comes wisdom I guess. 

Until the next time…I’ll be working on my list of things to blame on PMS (I’m up to page four!)

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

romance unscripted

I loved the little cabin as much in the daylight as I had in the glow of the firelight the night before.  The stone fireplace went all the way to the vaulted ceiling, and a large deer head was hung above the mantle.   The ceiling and walls were tongue and groove pine, as were the wide plank floors.  The cabin was decorated just enough to make it homey without looking too decorated.  And the best decoration of all was the magnificent view out of the windows. 

I wrapped myself up in a blanket and stepped out onto the back deck to check out the scenery.  I expected to find a hot tub on the back deck.  There is something romantic about an outdoor hot tub in the dead of winter, especially while on a romantic anniversary getaway.  The brochure promised a hot tub, and I was somewhat disappointed that I had yet to find one.  In the absence of a hot tub, I decided to look for bears.  I was determined to find at least one bear on this trip. 

I did not see a single bear, but I did discover the elusive hot tub hiding on a lower porch under the deck.  I looked around for a way to reach the porch.  It wouldn’t be easy to get down there.  We would have to go around the cabin and down the back stairs to reach the bottom.  But it wasn’t as if I was ready to take a soak.  The sun was just coming up over the frozen horizon, and I was ready to eat, so I went back inside—but I knew the hot tub would not be far from my thoughts.

Light snow flakes were dotting the sky as we walked around the little mountain village.  We explored every shop, every restaurant, and every tourist trap available to explore.  It was a week before Christmas, so the lighted trees and the Christmas carols immediately put me in the spirit of the season.  The theme rippling through the town was bears, and as I was bordering on obsession with the idea of spotting bears, it was fitting.  But as much as I was having fun, I was just as resolute at watching the clock as the day stretched on.  Mike wanted to find a nice little place to listen to live music into the evening, but I was determined to make it back up the mountain road before dark, and time was running out. 

I video recorded the trip back as a distraction from the terror of climbing up the loose gravel path with the crumbling shoulder.  It made the trip almost bearable for Mike, as I was too busy narrating to completely freak out.  That didn’t stop him from trying to scare me by driving too close to the edge.  I didn’t find it funny.  He found it hysterical.  I swore a lot.  I still laugh when I watch the video. 

While we were in the little village we stopped to buy steaks and potatoes for the grill. It seemed like a fitting meal to eat in a mountain cabin.  It was really beginning to snow by the time we finished dinner.  So of course, I decided that it was the perfect time to investigate the hot tub. 

Everyone should be brave enough for naked hot tubbing at least once in their lives, and I was ready for my turn.  I had a hard time convincing Mike.  He thinks of things in much more rational terms than I do.  He was concerned because reaching the hot tub in the best of conditions would be tricky, and it was not the best of conditions outside.  It was snowing pretty steadily, we didn’t have robes, and there were cabins nearby that could potentially see.  But, I was not discouraged.  I had a brilliant plan.

My plan was to undress inside and wrap up in the extra comforters to get to the hot tub.  We could toss the comforters over the railing to get in.  The water would be piping hot, and I figured the layer of steam directly above the water would cushion us as we got in and out of the tub.  We could grab the comforters and wrap up again when we were finished to make the dash back to the cabin.  It was perfect!

I slipped my bare feet into my slippers and Mike put on his sneakers, and we set out for the hot tub with a bottle of wine and two plastic cups, courtesy of my brilliant husband!

The plan went off without a hitch.  We slid the cover off the hot tub before shedding our blankets and swiftly slipped into the water, draping the comforters within reach over the railing.

The water was not as hot as I had hoped, or maybe it was just that the air was much colder than I expected.  However, I refused to be discouraged from my chance at romance, so I switched on the jets as I held my cup out for Mike to pour the wine. 

My perfect room temperature red wine quickly got too cold to drink.  I tried holding the cup partially under the water to warm it, but it wasn’t working.  It was just too cold.  In fact, anything not completely submerged in the water was getting too cold.  We slid down until only our faces were exposed to the whipping wind, and attempted to cuddle against the warmth of the underwater lights. 

I glanced at the thermometer to discover that the water temperature was going down as the wind picked up.  My perfect plan was losing steam faster than the hot tub.  We wordlessly agreed to abandon the hot tub and take the romance inside where it was warm!

Getting into the water was infinitely easier than getting out.  I lifted my shoulders carefully out of the water to help drag the hot tub cover partially across the top.  The less time spent standing in the frigid air— soaking wet—the better.  I discovered that it is nearly impossible to pull the cover over a hot tub while sitting inside.  The cover slipped back over the side and out of our reach.  Mike refused to worry about the hot tub.  It would survive for a while without the cover.  We took several deep preparatory breaths to steel ourselves from the bitter cold.  Mike got out first and proceeded to drag me by the arm until I was able to pull my leg over the side to get out.  It was cold.  Ice-freaking-cold!  We grabbed our comforters at the same time and I let out a shriek.  They had frozen into the shape of the railing.  How the hell two dry comforters managed to freeze into the shape of the railing is beyond me.  I shoved my feet into my frozen slippers, pulled the ice-pack that was my blanket around my wet, naked body and made a run for it. 

Yes.  I ran. 

I ran as carefully as I could possibly run up the back stairs, around the cabin and back through the front door.  I only slipped twice, but managed to stay on my feet the whole time. We left the wine, the plastic cups and the hot tub cover on the floor of the porch for the morning. 

Luckily for us, the fire was already blazing in the hearth and we let our comforters fall to warm our bodies as close as possible to the flames. 

Romance finally won out that night, even if completely without a plan.  I think sometimes that’s the best way for romance.  Plans are overrated. 

I never did see any bears.  As it turns out the only thing “bare” outside of the cabin that weekend was us!

Until the next time…I’ll be avoiding plans of any kind—at least until I come up with something new!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

romance isn’t always very romantic

I am a sucker for a good romance.  I almost always lean in that direction when I’m writing.  I tend to favor romance when I pick a book to read.  And there is little better than a good romantic comedy on a girls night out.  So why does romance always look a lot easier than it actually is?  Why don’t writers tell you about morning breath and bodily functions?  I write my characters with bladders, and toothbrushes, and lots and lots of showers and baths.  I think it adds to the comedy of it all, because at its core romance isn’t always all that romantic.  Sometimes it’s a Three Stooges skit, and often times the third character is an inanimate object.  I know that’s the case in my life.

Despite my draw toward grand romance, my husband would not normally be considered an overly romantic person.  He was never big on the flowers and candy, definitely not prone to burst into spontaneous poetry, and absolutely never planned secret getaway weekends for just the two of us.

Until our last anniversary. 

After five years of marriage, my husband went through a miraculous transformation and became a romantic.  I didn’t ask questions, I just went with it. 

It started with a single hint.  And a potentially disastrous scheduling conflict.  My husband had arranged a three day getaway somewhere outside of Atlanta for our anniversary, and I was scheduled to work on the second day of the trip. 

He forgets sometimes that my day job as a banker requires me to work alternating Saturdays, so it never occurred to him to check.  Luckily, after a long round of begging and pleading, I was able to swap the day with someone else and the trip was set!

In the weeks leading up to the getaway, my husband sent me emailed messages with subtle hints about where we were going.  I say subtle, but they were really very blatant.  He sent pictures. 

The first picture was of a bear in the woods.  The second picture was of a mountain view.  The third was of a cabin.  I don’t think men do subtle very well.  I knew where we were going by the end of day three.  I didn’t have all the details, but I was very excited all the same.

Our anniversary was on a Friday.  We were scheduled to leave right after work.  This was December, so by five that evening, it had gotten very dark. 

And cold. 

And raining. 

And we had a two hour drive ahead of us. 

We met up back at home to pack the car with all the supplies we would need for our weekend in the mountains.  The brochure stated that the cabin was fully stocked with everything we would need outside of the actual food or drinks.  So my newly minted romantic had packed a beautiful basket filled with fruit, fancy cheeses, crackers, microwave popcorn and a nice bottle of champagne for our first night, and juice, bread, jelly, cereal and milk for the following morning.  He had thought of just about everything.

So after a few frantic moments making sure we hadn’t forgotten anything, we packed the car with our bags and laptops (because even on a weekend getaway, writers must write) and we were off.

We didn’t get more than three miles away when we realized that Mike had forgotten his BlackBerry.  He was prepared to leave it behind, but ever the thinker, I insisted we go back for the phone in the event of an emergency.  I had mine, but one just can’t be too careful when trekking into the mountains in the dead of winter. 

We made a hasty U-turn at the closest gas station, and after several minutes we had retrieved the phone, secured the house, and we were back on the road.

Ten or so minutes down the dark, rain soaked road and we realized that we had left the basket of food.  We were almost to the interstate, so again, Mike was willing to leave the food behind, but I was thinking more practically.  The food in that basket was expensive, and the time to replace it on the way would be longer than the time required to just double back and get the basket.  After a moment of quick contemplation, my husband agreed and we spun around again. 

Thirty minutes after our first departure, we were again on our way out of the driveway for our mountain getaway. 

Most of the drive was uneventful.  We took the interstate for a large portion of the trip, but once we had arrived in the little mountain village, we were searching for an obscure turn off to the mountain road that would take us to our little home away from home. 

To preface the part where we took the mountain road it is important to say that I cannot see well at night.  And I am absolutely terrified of heights.  When these two things are combined in any increment, the terror is magnified tenfold. 

The mountain road was paved where we turned from the main road.  There were no street lights once we cleared the highway, so it was pitch black.  The rain seemed to soak up the only light that was coming from the headlights of our Honda Accord.  As we climbed, the road narrowed to barely one car length, and the pavement was replaced with gravel.  According to the directions, we had to wind our way more than two miles up the narrow gravel road. 

Did I mention the cliff with the creek below?  No?  As I peered out the window into the black night, I could barely see where the road on my side crumbled away and there was a glint of rushing water far below.  I opened my window to listen as we inched our way up the mountain.  The water was deep and running fast.  It is a wonder that I could hear it over the sound of my screaming.

That was when my wonderful, romantic husband told me to shut up.  It was right about the same time he had to back up in the road because we missed our sharp, corkscrew turn to go further up the mountain.  I was certain we were just moments from plunging to our deaths over the cliff into the rushing dark water below.  My begging and screaming that we were about to die was apparently freaking him out.  He said I should close my eyes along with my mouth until we reached the top.  I was not about to close my eyes (or my mouth as I was now breathing exclusively through my mouth in quick panting breaths that were making my head spin.)  I was determined to navigate the rough terrain with my eyes if nothing else as my husband raced up the narrow gravel path.  He was going WAY too fast!

“I’m only going fifteen miles per hour!” He growled when I demanded he slow down.  “You really need to stop talking to me.” He added calmly.  I almost couldn’t see the foam at the corner of his lips, or the vein pulsating in his neck. 

“How much further?” I shrieked back.

The new road was dotted with cabins on either side.  They weren’t close together, and they were separated by trees, but we wouldn’t be completely alone in the woods.  I wasn’t sure if that was comforting or not.  If we went off the road somewhere, at least someone would notice.

“Start looking for the sign.” He ordered.

That was funny.  I couldn’t see anything outside of the wash of light coming from the headlights, and the faint lighted windows in the occupied cabins.  I would never be able to see a sign off to the side. 

That was when I pulled out the Mag-light flashlight from under my seat and began to shine the bright spotlight across my husband to the side of the road. 

“You’re blinding me!”  He complained.

I clicked the light off again and sat quietly as the car crawled its way up the slippery gravel.  Our tires spun a few times, and I was sure we were done for, but then out of the blue he spotted the sign.

The Brown Bear Cabin.

We pulled in the drive and I pulled my shaking legs from the car to stand on solid ground.  My only thought at that moment in time was, “we have to go back down again tomorrow!”

Until the next time…I’ll be writing about the second day of the romantic weekend!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

take two aspirin and call me in the morning

My mother always cautioned me to wear clean underwear just in case of an accident.  I never totally understood that argument.  Shouldn’t we just wear clean underwear because it’s clean and for no other reason?  She never said wear nice underwear just in case of an accident.  The only criteria was that it had to be clean.  Now, just for the record, my underwear is always clean (although frequently inside out) but I won’t say that I always wear the nicest pair.  Depending on the day (and the laundry schedule) I’ve been known to wear relatively unattractive underwear on occasion.  I know it’s hard to believe that my underwear isn’t black lace trimmed in hot pink fur, but we can’t be sexy everyday can we?  

The truth is, I’ve never been overly concerned about accidents and underwear because, I know for a fact that you can absolutely fall hard enough, or in the right way, to tear your underwear.  I have done it! So with that in mind, I figured if I was ever in an accident, I would just blame the condition of my underwear on the impact.  Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Mom never warned me to wear nice underwear just in case I have to go to the doctor unexpectedly.  That would have been valuable information!  I could have used that advice this morning when I got dressed. 

I looked perfectly professional on the outside, but under my clothes I was hiding a solid week’s worth of leg stubble, and my emergency underwear.  The ones I only wear when I have no clean laundry (or in today’s case, when I don’t feel well and I want to be really, really comfortable.)  They look sort of like I stole them from someone’s grandmother at a retirement home panty raid or something.  I didn’t.  They’re mine.  They just aren’t meant for show.  I have other underwear for that.  I need to start keeping an extra pair, a pretty pair, in my purse for emergencies.  My emergency underwear is not meant for THAT kind of emergency.

I left work just before ten to go to the doctor.  I didn’t have time to go home and change or shave my legs.  I don’t know why it mattered.  I’m sure my doctor has seen worse things than baggy underwear and hairy legs, right?  Sure he has!  Still…it made me think of my mother’s warning about the clean underwear.  I think I will definitely expand upon that warning for my daughters!

The doctor kept mum about my unflattering underwear, but he did tell me that his office does laser hair removal for my legs if I would be interested.  It’s only $150 per session.  Yeah, I might think about that…later.  For today, I was too concerned with the fact that I was sick. 

According to the doctor, I will live.

I didn’t even know that a cold could move into your joints!  I don’t recommend getting that.  It’s not nice at all.  But on the upside (and honestly, I believe everything has an upside) I have to stay home from work for the next few days, and I wasn’t able to go to book club!

Dodged a bullet there!  I bought the book but didn’t actually read it.  I wanted to read it.  I had every intention of reading it.  I just never got around to it.  I will read it.  One day very soon!  Just not today.

So this evening, instead of feeling the pressure to read something I may not have read otherwise, I’ve been puppy sitting the grandpuppy while my son is at work. 

I suddenly have a new appreciation for the geriatric Labradors! The puppy who is appropriately named Rowdy, has been exactly that all evening. Rowdy!  I can’t chase him because my joints hurt too much to move around but I can’t let him run off because he has decided that it would be great fun to chase Henry Chow (ninja kitty) around the living room, and because I promised my son that I wouldn’t let him get hurt, I can’t let him catch the cat. 

So I tried to hold him, but he squirms too much.  I tried to roll a ball with him, but he gets distracted too easily.  He runs around the room stopping at a pair of shoes to take a quick nibble before running off to see what’s hiding in the fireplace, and then he decides to investigate the dust bunnies under the sofa.  It’s like he has doggy ADHD!  And I was complaining about insignificant things like incontinence and dementia in the old dogs.  At least I don’t have to follow them around pulling pieces of fluff and electrical cords out of their mouths. Maybe I should have just let him catch Henry Chow. 

He finally fell asleep at my feet.  Henry Chow fell asleep on my chest.  And I may just fall asleep on the couch.  Sometimes it’s nice to be sick!

Until the next time…I’ll be getting lots and lots of bed rest!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

I have no idea what I'm talking about

This has been a strange weekend.  I don’t even know where to being, so I’ll start at the end.  The Joneses are apparently keeping up with us now!  We have inspired them to get a new puppy—the litter mate to the grandpuppy.  They got the last puppy from that litter so we are now officially related to the neighbors. 

I do find the puppy thoroughly adorable, but I’ve decided that I would rather be my cat.  Life is mighty good for the cat named Henry Chow. 

I haven’t felt well today, and so I have done little more than lay around the house all day, and while I have relaxed, I have taken notice of the fact that Henry Chow has slept nearly all day long.  He has changed spots a few times, but he slept literally all day.  And as far as cats go, he isn’t overly rambunctious at night either.  My son seems to think he is storing his energy…for one serious attack!

I see him stealing peeks at the people (and other animals) in our house with sly sideways glances.  He is biding his time—making plans. 

He is lulling everyone into a false sense of security.  He is good.  But I am better.  I am on to his evil plot. I pet him, and feed him, and change out his litter so he has a clean place to dig in the sand.  He comes running when I call his name, he waits for me when I leave the house, and is excited to see me when I come home.  I belong to him. 

I am his pet.

Because of this, I consider myself safe from his pending attack.  I will be spared—because no matter how devious and brilliant Henry Chow may be, he still can’t open the cat food bag by himself.  And even if he was willing to chew his way to the food inside, he would run out sooner or later, and needs someone to get more.

That’s where I come in. 

Of course that’s just a theory.  I don’t really understand much of what Henry Chow says.  I don’t speak Himalayan.

Maybe I shouldn’t have mixed the cold medicine with the caffeine. 

What I’m supposed to be doing tonight (instead of watching the Oscars) is reading the book for tomorrow night’s book club.  I actually bought it this time.  I was going to surprise everyone.  They would never expect me to read the book.  I mean, yeah, that’s sort of the point of book club, but I never read the book.  It’s my thing.  Mrs. Jones reads the book, and lives the book, and breathes the book.  I read the Cliff’s Notes.  But this time, I bought the book.  I had a plan.  There was a definite effort made.   So much for good intentions.

Maybe next time. 

What I think I may end up doing tonight is going to sleep early.  Wouldn’t that be a great feat?  I think it might just be the only way to escape the puppy farts in my living room.  But hey, puppy arts are funny, right?  I suppose that’s a place to end the night! 

Until the next time…I’ll be dreaming of a wonderful blog to write another day.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

dongles, dogs, and a death march

Morning.

My alarm went off every ten minutes for almost an hour before I managed to wake up completely.  I had been preparing for this day all week, but when it was finally upon me, I was pitifully unprepared.  I should have showered the night before.  I should have skipped the caffeine all day long.  And I should have gone to bed before eleven thirty (which was still much earlier than every night before, but not nearly early enough.)  But I didn’t do any of those things, so I was tired.  I showered, dressed, and prepped for my day in a virtual fog.

The slow death march into the bank this morning was preceded by two things: first my Tupperware container of milk tipped over as I took the turn into the parking lot just a little too sharply…and second I reached for the milk (forgetting the wonderful powers of the airtight Tupperware seal) and managed to hit the curb with the right front tire of the car, thus denting the wheel cover ever so slightly.  When my husband finds out, I don’t think he will find it as funny as I did, but the important thing is, I’ve now managed to ruin a perfect record of no clumsiness while driving the car.

The day was a bit of a blur.  I don’t know if it was the shock of being back, or the fact that everyone in town decided that today was the day to go to the bank, so I was very busy the entire time.  I barely had time to catch up with my colleagues or grab donuts in the break room.  (I did have a donut, there’s always enough time for at least one.)

Afternoon.

I was hungry from the moment I set foot in the house after work.  It was lunchtime, and I was craving wings.  Nothing new there, but I don’t think I’d eaten wings the entire time I was on vacation, so I was due.  I would have to be overdue another day, because I was not going to be getting wings.  In fact, I was destined to eat nothing but burnt popcorn for lunch today.  I didn’t burn it by accident as you may have imagined.  No, I burn mine on purpose.  I think it’s an acquired taste left over from my youth when we popped (or rather burned it) the old fashioned way, in a pan with hot oil!  Now it’s microwaved for just one more minute than required in the instructions.  

I had no sooner eaten my bowl of charred popcorn when my husband told me he needed to run to the store for a new power cord for his laptop.  He had left his somewhere, and needed to work on something from home.  So off to the Best Buy we went to find a new power cord. As I always do when in Best Buy, I cruised the Playstation 3 aisle in search of a replacement dongle for the original guitar.  I don’t know why, but I never give up hope that Sony will discover the error of their ways and begin to produce the part for those of us who have lost our dongles.  Alas, they have not yet read my mind.  No new dongles for me today.  But my husband did find the cord he needed, and one hundred dollars later, he was plugged in and ready to go! 

Instead of rest and relaxation on the rest of my Saturday, I was plunged into a sea of teenage drama, dirty dishes, and dog hair.  I was too tired to clean the house, so instead I slunk into my leather sofa with my laptop and surfed the internet while my daughter played Rockband on the PS3.  If only we had another dongle, I could have played second guitar with her.  I would have been horrible! I can’t quite figure out that game.

It was there…on my sofa…that I got the phone call from my son. 

“Mom…I’m at the park…”

My overactive imagination filled in the blanks with such things as, “I’ve been pulled over for speeding!” Or “I ran out of gas!” Or even, “board up the windows, there is a zombie invasion in Atlanta!”  But definitely not, “I found this lady giving away puppies, and I want one!”

Don’t I already have three large dogs and two big cats? (One of which is a claw carrying ninja kitty?)  Oh yes…I surely do!  Not that that little fact was going to deter my twenty year old son from using the time honored guilt trip of, “but Mom…I’ll feed him, and walk him, and take care of him all by myself.  He won’t be your dog.  He’ll be mine!”

I had heard this all before.  That is precisely how I got three dogs and two cats to begin with.  And not one of those is the Pug named Claude (pronounced Cload, because he speaks with a French accent!) that I have imagined myself owning for the past several years! My French speaking dog from China will have to wait until the geriatric dogs have gone on to doggy Heaven, and the ninja kitty retires his claws for much gentler pursuits. 

Of course, I said no to the new puppy. 

But my son is now an adult (so they keep telling me) and he was not backing down without a fight—or rather a well thought out intelligently fought debate.

His arguments? 

A)    He is in fact a grown up with the means to provide for this new mouth to feed.

B)     He would be keeping his dog with him at all times other than while at work or school in which case he had already provided for alternate care (his girlfriend and his sisters)

C)     He isn’t five anymore so he actually knows what it means to be totally responsible for another creature.

So yeah, he got the dog.  He is on a thirty day probationary period.  If he can’t handle the first thirty days the puppy goes back.  He is a cutie.  And I have to admit, it is refreshing to play with a puppy and then give it back.  I guess it’s like practice for the day when it’s not puppies but babies.  And I won’t even say that word.  The G word.  My mother is a grandmother, I am not a grandmother.  Not even to a puppy.

Evening.

In a very funny twist of events, while my son was puppy proofing his bedroom, he discovered a strange object tucked under some papers in his room.  It was a dongle.  The very same dongle that he had accused me of losing!

Sometimes even the worst days have a happy ending!

Until the next time…I’ll be brushing up on my Rockband skills!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

any last requests?

I suppose I really shouldn’t compare my last day of vacation to that of someone on death row.  The comparison is highly unfair to the condemned.  But to the vacationer who is forced to spend their last day knowing that in the morning it will be back to “business as usual,” the comparison seems all too similar.  Not that I would compare my day job to the electric chair—it’s not nearly that exciting—but I’ve really, really enjoyed being on vacation.  And as they say…my vacation has gone out with a bang!

I went to bed at quarter to two in the morning, unable to fall asleep with the knowledge that this would be the last night I could stay up late without consequences…the last morning I would be allowed to sleep in with no regrets…the last day of complete and utter freedom from constraints, rules, and schedules! 

And I woke up promptly at seven! 

The sun was shining in my eyes, and the nose licking cat had been let into my room when my husband left for work (I am convinced this was done on purpose out of simple jealousy as he was forced to go to the office.) So, I battled with a combination of bright lights and wet tongue, and two geriatric dogs that were all too well aware that I was no longer asleep, much as I tried to pretend.  In other words…I was up for the day. 

As usual, I had a barrage of texts and emails begging for my attention in the Blackberry (which is always tucked beneath my pillow,) so with my eyes barely open I began reading through the messages while the dogs took their morning constitutional. 

And the animals and I weren’t the only ones awake. My teenage daughter was dressed and ready for another adventure.

I actually have two sixteen year old girls, but because they were both given the choice between public and private school this year, and because they each chose a different path, I have had the pleasure of having but one of them to keep me company this week.  Alexa is the one with the nontraditional schedule, and she has taken full advantage of that fact during my vacation. 

Today we were going to see a morning movie—an adventure in IMAX—Alice in Wonderland (I recommend the film highly.)

Of course she drove—she has been set on acting as my personal chauffer all week—which means that I in turn was expected to carry out her typical role.  It was my job to dispose of the paper cups from yesterday’s adventure into the parking lot trash can.  She pulled up to the curb and I jumped out with cups in hand.  Well, jump may be an exaggeration.  I stepped carefully out of the car, cups in hand and threw them into the can.  I decided that this would also be a perfect opportunity to rid my car of the hundreds of Halls wrappers while I had the door open and the trash can so close at hand.  So I scooped up a large handful of wrappers in each hand and proceeded to turn toward the trash can to dump them.  That’s when things went a little south.  I twisted too quickly and caught my foot under the car and against the curb.  I couldn’t pull it out fast enough to right myself and I started to fall.  As is typical, my self-preservation instincts kicked in and I struggled against my trapped foot until the weight of my body falling toward the pavement ripped my foot clean out of my shoe and sprained my big toe.  At least I hope it’s only sprained.  I can’t quite bend it, and it really hurts.  I had to reach under the car for my missing shoe, and I managed to get my foot back into it, but I’m afraid to look to see if it’s turning purple or swelling. 

To her credit, Alexa didn’t laugh once. 

My mother did.  As a matter of fact, she laughed loudly when I called and told her what had happened.  She seems to think my toe is probably just sprained.  I appear to have pretty tough bones. 

The rest of the morning went by fairly event free, but then again, most of it was spent sitting in a movie theater, so I can’t really take credit for that.  I did get myself tangled in my jacket and my purse strap leaving the theater, but because I managed to stay on my feet the entire time, I consider that a success!

I spent the middle of the day writing in a coffee shop, with no internet access, which forced me to focus on the task at hand (after the first twenty minutes which was spent trying to diagnose my connection problem.) Lucky for me my husband is an engineer and he was able to quickly fix the problem.  At eight o’clock this evening!  Needless to say, I did a good bit of writing, and very little surfing.  

I wouldn’t say I did anything overly exciting today, but I did have a really good dinner, which is customary on the day before…you know…the death walk.  Oh, I’m sure it won’t be nearly that bad.  I’m sure I’ll be overjoyed to see all my work friends again. But in the back of my mind, I’ll be daydreaming about my days as a lady of leisure.

Until the next time…I’ll be counting the days until my next vacation!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

satellites don’t lie!

What does one do on the second to the last day of vacation?  If you’re me, you wake up with a horrible sore throat, and a headache. 

I buried my head in the covers, trying to block out the light, and hide from the cat’s tongue that was determined to lick up my nose.  I have no idea what he expected to find, as my sinuses were completely dried out from breathing in the dry air all night long.  I knew my burrow would only hide me for so long—I could hear my daughter wandering around the floor above me—and it was destined to be a Waffle House day.

There is absolutely nothing charming about the Waffle House.  When you eat there, you just have to keep your head down, don’t look around too much, and definitely don’t think about what you’re doing.  Just eat, and get out.   No lingering allowed.  I don’t remember what I had.  That’s not important.  The important thing is I lived through it to eat somewhere else for lunch!  I don’t honestly know why I wasn’t still in bed.  Oh yes I do…my daughter.  She had other plans in mind.  But first, it was a quick run to the drugstore for Halls extra strong menthol cough suppressants.  I’ve built up a tolerance for the weaker varieties.  I needed the strong stuff, and I needed it frequently. 

Is it possible to overdose on throat lozenges?  I sort of worry sometimes. I went through the first bag of thirty Halls in a matter of a few hours.  The inside of my car is now littered with the little wrappers that I just flung into the air as I opened them.  My intention was to collect them all later and throw them away, and I’m sure I will.  Later.  But I was busy, engaged in the next mission. 

The Prom Dress.

My daughter has just discovered that the private school she goes to has a prom; so of course, she would need a prom dress.  Being the frugal shopper that I am, and knowing that girls only wear their prom dress once, I decided to drag my daughter to my favorite consignment shop, Girlfriend’s Consignment Boutique (in Kennesaw, GA).  This is where I bought the crazy pink sweater (the crazy sweater experiment), and most of my Coach purses.  I knew we would find a prom dress at the Girlfriend’s Boutique.  While my daughter was at school, I set out on a fact finding mission to see what dresses would fit the bill before dragging her back to look.  The store owner Terrie is a friend, so my fact finding mission turned into a fun visit and ended with a favor.  Terrie needed to drop off bagels to a church for a charity event.  I am all about helping with charity events, so I agreed to tackle her bagel run for her.  I was on vacation after all. 

The mission was a simple one.  Run to the nearest grocery store for bagels and cream cheese, and deliver the package to the church.   Even I could handle that without incident.

I was familiar with the area for both the grocery store and the church.  They were within a mile of each other.  I had never been to the church, but Terrie told me right where it was, and I was sure I could find it with no problem. 

I left the grocery store with four bags of bagels and three packages of cream cheese, and hopped back in my car to speed off to the church.  My next stop was lunch, so I was excited to finish the mission and eat.  I made the turn out of the grocery store and headed to the intersection where the church would be waiting for me. 

There was a church right where I expected it to be, but it wasn’t the right church.  I did a quick turnaround in the parking lot and headed back to the main road.  This time I wasn’t taking any chances; I put the address into my GPS, and put my brain on autopilot.  I turned out of the parking lot back in the direction I had come and started looking for the church that just HAD to be somewhere right around the corner. 

I hadn’t gone more than 100 yards when my GPS spoke to me.  “Re-routing.  Make a legal U-turn when possible.”  What? A U-turn?  I was just over there, and it was the wrong church!  Did I miss something?  I was in the wrong lane to make any sort of turn that would get me going in the right direction, so I had to take an overly long detour before getting completely turned in the direction the GPS had instructed.   I had gone a mile or so down the road—further than I thought was required—and pulled into a drug store parking lot to make another U-turn.  My GPS must be messed up.  It didn’t tell me I missed the turn, but I knew the church was supposed to be near the intersection I had passed a mile or so back, so there had to be some error.  I was barely turned around heading in the right direction again when my GPS spoke to me again.  “Re-routing.  Make a legal U-turn when possible.”  You have got to be kidding!  My GPS was clearly broken.  And I was more than a little frustrated.  In fact, I was screaming obscenities at the voice on the GPS.  I couldn’t make a U-turn anywhere, so I headed back to where the church was supposed to be, GPS harassing me the entire way with, “make a legal U-turn when possible.” When I reached the intersection for the fourth time, and had to sit at the light—the vein in my neck pulsating in time with my headache—I decided to seek out more knowledgeable help, and brought up the Google maps application on my Blackberry. 

I made the legal U-turn at the next light and headed back in the direction my GPS had been instructing me to go.  Apparently the church wasn’t at the intersection Terrie thought.  In fact, it was three miles in the opposite direction.  Exactly where my much maligned GPS had promised. 

I called Terrie right away to tell her that she had just inspired the daily blog!

I picked up my daughter from school a little while later (after having a very late lunch and another bag of menthol throat lozenges) and took her to pick out her prom dress.  It’s gorgeous, and she looks so pretty wearing it.  I can only hope she doesn’t find ten more dresses that she likes even better in the time between now and prom.  But at least I didn’t spend a fortune on the dress!  As for me, I’m going to toss on a pair of warm sweats and snuggle up on the sofa with my laptop to write for a while.  I have one more day of vacation to experience.  One more day to sleep in as late as my kids will let me!

Until the next time…I’ll be drinking lots of orange juice and ginger ale!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

ode to wednesday

Wednesday. 

Most weeks, it’s a joyous day.  It’s the middle of the week.  The downward slide toward the weekend.  But a Wednesday on a vacation week has a different tone—an unpleasant little tone.  And it was a gray day to accentuate the gray tone.  I didn’t want to wake up.  I stayed up too late writing, so I was in no hurry to drag myself out of the bed on this pivotal day of my vacation. 

My daughter had other thoughts in mind. 

Like a drill sergeant, she cracked the proverbial whip until I was up.  I didn’t argue (much) I knew I had to get up.  I had a lot to do.  A visit to the tag office, a few loads of laundry, and most especially, a lunch date with my friends.  My daughter offered to play chauffer for me—a chance to get in driving time now that she has her permit—and naturally she would have to eat with us if she drove. I was on to her plan, but I let her think she was outsmarting me. After much debating on a place to eat, it was decided that we would go for sushi.  Everyone knows I love sushi!

So after a quick shower and an omelet (in my lovely new omelet pan) we were on our way.  I know you’re wondering, so yes…I did make the omelet without setting fire to the house…and yes, it was very tasty.

Yellow Tail is officially my favorite place to eat sushi in Atlanta.  I’ve eaten there four times now, and the food is beyond compare.  Unsurprisingly, we ate the Beaver Rolls, the In and Out Rolls, and topped it all off with the Heavenly Mmm Rolls. I actually managed to eat lunch without losing a single roll in the soy sauce.  This was thanks to my Brazilian friend Vivian who gave me a quick refresher course in chopsticks 101.  For a Brazilian, she’s very good with the Japanese utensils. 

Vivian has it in her head that dragging me to her Brazilian waxing lady would make for a very entertaining blog.  It was her idea to go to the stripper pole aerobics class, and if I must give her credit, it was one of my post popular blogs.  But I don’t know that I am quite up to getting a Brazilian wax after my own disastrous waxing attempt.  In fact, I would say that getting a Brazilian wax rates in the top five of my ten scariest things to do on purpose.  Its right up there with skiing (water or snow), rock climbing (real rocks, not the fake wall kind), bungee jumping, and jumping out of a plane that isn’t on fire.  And honestly, I’d have to think very seriously about jumping out of a plane that WAS on fire, even with a parachute!  There would have to be no possible chance of survival without jumping out, and I would probably have to be just a little drunk.

So getting a Brazilian wax is not on my list of things to do on purpose…at least not today.  I might have to ease into this idea very slowly.  Sort of like the way I get into a swimming pool…one toe at a time.  Instead, I let Vivian coax me to one of those eyebrow threading places today—where they rip the hair out with twisted lengths of thread.  I’ve had my eyebrows waxed, so I wasn’t afraid, and it was probably the best eyebrow grooming I’ve ever had.  But my pants were fixed securely to my body the entire time, and the level of pain involved was slight.  I have yet to be convinced that the same would be true of a bikini wax, let alone the Brazilian variety.  I suppose I could screw up my courage to get an ordinary bikini wax before completely ruling the Brazilian out, but margaritas just may be required!  In the mean time, I may consider something further town my top ten list.  Like drinking milk past the expiration date, or eating fruit off the tree without washing it first.  No crime in starting out small, I always say.  After all, eating sushi used to be on that scary list, and now it’s on my top ten things to do as often as possible. 

I spent an uneventful evening after my exciting eyebrow threading experience, watching movies, and eating pistachios.  They are supposedly the healthiest nuts to eat!

As an unrelated side note, I have decided that the pistachio farmers have factored the shells into the dietary statistics on the package.  I have literally spent an hour trying to get the nuts out of the shells, and I’m certain that struggle has burned almost as many calories as I consumed!  Peanut shells have nothing on pistachios.  You can break a peanut shell by dropping it.  I broke several fingernails and chipped a tooth trying to crack the damn pistachio shells open.  I know I could have gotten a nut cracker—or a hammer—but I was determined to rise up to the challenge.  The sad part is, they are already partially cracked in the bag, and I still fought with them like a cornered raccoon.  But, as they say…nothing worth having comes easy!

Until the next time…I’ll be making a dentist appointment (number six on my top ten scariest list!)

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

Apparently the groundhog was not playing around when he said we had six more weeks of winter ahead of us.  Exactly one month after his prediction, it snowed again in Atlanta.  And it snowed all day long.  But that wasn’t the only chill I experienced in the early hours of the morning.  I was awakened by the familiar chime of my Blackberry’s email alert.  Actually, it was after several familiar chimes that I finally shook the sleep out of my eyes and squinted at the display on my phone.  My email was lit up with people worried about my whereabouts. 

Huh? I was in bed—where I had been since posting my blog the night before.  But wait…the email was asking me why I hadn’t posted a blog last night! 

I bolted from my bed…

Actually, it was more like I struggled to disentangle myself from the blankets, and tripped over two dogs and one cat on my way out of the bedroom.  I managed to find my way to my laptop and quickly pulled up my website to find out what had happened. 

I knew I posted a blog.  I watched myself do it.  But suddenly, I was having flashbacks to the night that I fell asleep writing and dreamed I wrote a fabulous blog only to wake up with just a few lines on the page.  Was last night’s blog just a dream?

I stared at the Daily Blog page in horror.  There was no new blog posted last night!  I looked quickly at my documents to see if I had saved the blog there—my usual practice. 

I easily found the file I was looking for, and it was exactly the way I remembered it from the night before.  I hadn’t lost my mind at all.  I had written the blog at the very least!  But where had it gone? 

I pulled up the web history for my site and that is where I found the Daily Blog I had posted just a short time before midnight the night before.  It wasn’t where it belonged, but it was there nonetheless.  It was on the home page, a lonely little blog, completely out of place. 

So at 10:02 am, I moved the post from the home page to the blog page, and proceeded to reply to all the emails that had questioned my continued heartbeat. 

In retrospect, as mortified as I was that I had made such a silly mistake, it was very nice to know that I would be so missed.  It’s always nice to know that someone would notice if I suddenly did disappear.  Surely my husband and children would miss me.  They would at least notice my absence when they ran out of toilet paper and laundry detergent.

I would like to say that I have put processes in place that would prevent me from making the same mistake twice, but unfortunately, no process exists.  You will just have to trust that I will take much more care in the future when posting my Daily Blog.  I even plan on having it put into my will that in the event of my death, someone will need to update the Blog daily with interesting musings about what was discovered when my closet was cleaned out.  Or whether I died with my underwear on inside out.  Sounds morbid, but I’d like to think I could be funny even in the face of imminent death.  I suppose time will tell—unless I figure out a way to mess things up and get myself banned from dying.  That would be a perk of being catastrophically clumsy now wouldn’t it?

But since I’m not dead yet, I suppose I should keep writing about the awkward moments ever present in my life.  With several layers of ice and snow on the ground today, I kept safely indoors for most of it.  It’s safer for me that way.  And, as my husband reminded me over and over again, we didn’t do a damn thing today!

I did watch the snow fall for a good bit of the day.  It was truly beautiful.  A decent winter snow storm forces you to take a nice long look at the softer side of life.  I think sometimes we forget about the simple things—the quiet things.  Like watching snow fall.  Or listening to the sound of your children breathing as they sleep—or the dogs snoring. 

As for me, I was forced to mark another tick on the calendar as my vacation slipped one day further into the abyss.  Is it unkind of me to wish the snow would fall for a while longer?  I mean…long enough to keep me home until April maybe?  I could get so much writing done if I didn’t have to worry about little things like work or sleep. 

Until the next time…I’ll be building a snowman in the living room where it’s warm!

 

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

to blog or not to blog

The blog panic set in again this morning.  It does every day.  I think it’s the post-euphoric letdown that occurs every morning after I post what I didn’t think I was going to be able to pull off the night before.  In short, one more day…one more blog.  Every day I think to myself, “I can’t do this!”  How can I come up with something fresh…and new…and honest…without damaging my already fragile self esteem?  Ok, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration; I hear nobility is prone to exaggeration. 

Tonight I decided that I needed a respite from the pressures of the daily blog.  To perhaps even skip a night altogether—I was sure I would be forgiven.  I just needed a night to relax…to enjoy my vacation.  Maybe even have a romantic evening out with my husband.  Just the two of us in a dimly lit restaurant with soft music playing in the background…something that could be a prelude to further romance in the dark of the night at home.

So, of course we decided to take the girls with us!  We made it into a family night of very loud music at Eddie’s Attic—songwriter’s open mic night.  The girls had never been to Eddie’s and I enticed them with the promise that John Mayer was in town and could possibly…just maybe…pop in unannounced.  Eddie’s was where JM got his start!  So surely it was a strong possibility. 

I tried to get tickets to John Mayer’s show with no success.  Everyone knows I love John Mayer.  What’s not to love?  Yeah, yeah…let’s not go there!

So we rolled up to Eddie’s Attic an hour later with the girls in tow.  We promised them good food, good music, and cute guys on stage to get them to agree, but the first thing they said upon our arrival was, “Will you buy us an Eddie’s Attic t-shirt?”  (Which immediately reminded me that I needed to get my Bikini Wax Disaster t-shirts done.)  But the girls didn’t let my thoughts wander for long.  They dragged me back into the here and now with another impassioned plea for the twenty dollar apiece t-shirts. 

So I did what any self respecting mother would do—I stalled while I tried to come up with a good reason not to say no and save myself forty dollars. 

We settled into our seats (as close to the stage as humanly possible) and proceeded to look over the menu.  Of course, the waitress was wearing one of the damn t-shirts!

The food at Eddie’s is pretty good.  The talent can be spotty.  Some nights it’s all solid gold, and other nights, it’s a lot of gold plated brass.  It would figure that on the one night we decided to drag the girls along it was a slow start.  The show lasts until eleven and they were ready to leave at eight-thirty. 

I was praying for a cute guy—any cute guy—to take the stage.  The long haired country singers from 1970 were not cutting it for my two sixteen year old girls!  I knew they were thinking about how Lady Gaga would spice things up about now.  I was not hoping for Lady Gaga, but I was secretly wishing that the whole John Mayer thing wasn’t just a bunch of BS I made up to get the girls to agree to tag along.  Besides, stuff like that always comes back to haunt me.

Which is why I broke down and bought the t-shirts. I figured that would buy me another half hour—forty-five minutes if I was lucky. 

The girls finally chased us out of Eddie’s at nine-thirty.  We made it two whole hours and managed to exhaust them thoroughly while we were at it.  Things started to heat up on stage just as we were living.  It figures.

John Mayer never did show up.  At least not while we were there. With my luck he showed up just before eleven to close out the show.  Oh well…leaving when we did gave me just enough time to write my blog before heading to bed.  And if I’m lucky, things might just heat up back at home!  But don’t expect a blog about THAT tomorrow night.  I’m not allowed!

Until the next time…I’ll be listening to Gravity on repeat!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

you may call me "your majesty"

It was an absolutely beautiful Sunday.  I know because I saw it out the window all day long.  The sun was out, the sky was a bright blue, and there was a light refreshing breeze that ruffled my hair when I let the dogs out.  One…two…three…four times.  Dogs go out a lot!

But, I didn’t experience any of that beautiful day.  I was stuck inside for the entirety of what may be the nicest day of my entire vacation.  Why?  I am going to blame my husband for that.  He woke me up at nine Sunday morning, laptop in hand to ask me questions about my family lineage for the family tree he was creating for our little clan.  I answered questions about each of my parents, and then about my grandparents.  And then I ran aground.  I had to do a nifty internet search to get a few names from death records and old obituaries and then I was back in business.  It didn’t take long before Mike and I were sitting side by side with our laptops, the last tube of frozen Thin Mints on the table in front of us. 

I was thoroughly addicted! 

I’ve always known that my mother’s lineage could be traced far back beyond the revolutionary war.  I was well aware that my aunt had spent a good deal of time doing the leg work.  My father’s side of the family was somewhat a mystery to me.  I knew that his grandmother came from a prominent family, and her line could be traced back to castles in Scotland, but his father and his father before that had died young, so there were no records that I was aware of.  So, I was pleasantly surprised as I began the digging on Ancestry.com.

I am officially famous (in a roundabout way.) But, roundabout or not, I was frantically creating my patents of nobility!

ALL DAY LONG!

Apparently, my predisposition to be waited on hand and foot is something I come by quite naturally.  My father is in a direct line to passengers on the Mayflower!  Which means that I am in a direct line to passengers on the Mayflower!  And of English nobility in another line—lords and dukes and people with Sir on the front of their names! 

And yes…even castles in Scotland! 

Unfortunately, I can’t find a single thing in my mother’s line.  As if it’s empty!  Of course, when my aunt and my great aunt read this, my email will light up with page upon page of family ancestry, I have no doubt! 

But until then, I went on Amazon.com and ordered a tiara. (My husband said nobility isn’t the same as royalty, but I said they were just splitting hairs! Or is it heirs?) Either way, I then ordered a few coats of arms.  I got the kind that cling to the side of the car so everyone will be able to see.  I got one for each vehicle.  And I ordered an application to be included in the Mayflower society.  Oh, and I called my dad to tell him he is in great company with all the bearing of arms! 

I didn’t call my mother.  Not that she’ll care per se, but I don’t want her to feel bad that I’m in a higher class than she is now.  You know, I don’t want to look down on her or anything.  I’m sure her family tree is very nice.  Even if she DIDN’T ride over on the Mayflower!

I’d better add very quickly that my mother’s side of the family has a very distinct lineage as well, and I’m sure when they read this, they will make sure I know every branch in that family tree! 

But…

Until the next time…I’ll be dining with the Queen!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

double, double toil and trouble

 

I need to thank all of the people who sent me links to the Girl Scout cookie recalls.  It’s amazing how many people wanted to make sure I was aware that there were some very smelly cookies out there!  Funny.  As if anyone actually expected me to eat the lemon cookies when there are so many chocolate and peanut butter choices.  Still, I do appreciate the thought.   I read the articles about the root cause of the cookie odor, and it seems as if oils were the culprits. 

Oils. 

I had never thought of oils as “smelly”.  Then I remembered a time from my past that made me think otherwise. 

I love chocolate.  I have often lobbied for chocolate to be considered as a separate food group.  I love it in almost any form.  But I don’t love what it does to my waist line, or my butt.  So I was very excited a few years back, when the candy manufacturers came out with sugar free chocolates—specifically, sugar free peanut butter cups—because my favorite food combination in the whole wide world is chocolate and peanut butter. 

This was around the time just before my husband and I got married, so we were still in the perfect “don’t do anything gross in front of this guy” phase.  It was also during the phase when I was most conscious about my appearance.  So of course, I wanted to stay away from all things fattening.  Chocolate was definitely on my bad list.  But sugar free chocolate was way lower in calories, fat, and sugar…so I would be able to eat as much of that as I wanted!

Or so I thought!

I planned to take the kids to an afternoon movie, and before heading to the theater we stopped off at the grocery store to fill my purse with snacks for the show.  I know, bad me, smuggling in candy!  But trust me, karma caught up with me that day!

I was starving! I didn’t have time to get lunch, so the candy and a shared bucket of popcorn would have to hold me over until dinner.  

We settled down in the dark theater and I passed out the snacks to the kids.  We each had our own candy—mine was the sugar free peanut butter cups and another bag of sugar free mini dark chocolate bars.  It was so convenient that the sugar free candy came in the small bags just like the candy they sold in the concession line!  

I ate several hands full of popcorn and munched away on my sugar free candies until my stomach started to feel funny.  It was sort of like when I was pregnant.  It felt like something was moving around in there.  I could feel little flutters like the second trimester kicking of tiny baby feet.  I knew I wasn’t pregnant, so I just ignored it and grabbed another hand full of popcorn and a few more sugar free candies.

I loved the candies.  They didn’t even taste like they were sugar free.  In fact, if I had done a blind taste test, I would have failed miserably, because I couldn’t tell the difference between the diet candy and the real thing.  I had gone through the entire bag of peanut butter cups (it wasn’t a huge bag) and popped open the bag of sugar free chocolate bars when the funny feeling came back.  But this time, it wasn’t funny.  It was painful. 

Whomp…whomp…whomp

That’s what it sounded like.  Whomp…whomp…whomp…as the sensation of a large piston driving fluids through my intestines made me feel like I was a rusty piece of machinery in an old factory.  It felt and sounded like there was a far off chamber being loaded.  I didn’t even want to know with what!

The movie was loud, but I was certain that the sound of the factory piston hammering within me was louder.  Whomp…whomp…whomp…it continued.  I could feel my insides percolating like a coffee maker.  After about thirty minutes, the whomp…whomping slowed down and the seismic activity began.  

I could very distinctly feel the deep rumbling of a distant volcano, and the slow building of a lava river coursing through my already ravaged intestinal tract, and I did NOT want to be in the movie theater when it erupted! 

I kept looking at my watch, and fidgeted in my seat.  The kids told me to be quiet more than once and at that point, it was all I could do not to burst into hysterics as I was not making a sound, it was my stomach!  It was Cirque du Soleil in there!  

That was when I looked at the empty bag of candy and used the light from my cell phone to read the fine print on the back.  “Serving size 5 pieces…” and further down the bag, “Individuals sensitive to sugar substitutes may experience a laxative effect.”

I was going to be in very big trouble!

After what seemed like days, the movie finally ended.  I scooped up my purse and the kids and ran out of the theater as fast as I could.  My stomach was bubbling and rolling like a boiling pot of chili.  Once we were outside, the kids could hear the noises my insides were making, and their faces told me that they were horrified. 

“What is THAT?” My daughter asked me.

“I don’t know.”  I whispered my honest answer.  Because I honestly didn’t know.  I was almost ready to call an Exorcist.  My stomach was speaking in tongues and it was telling us to “Get Out!”

We piled into the car so I could race home.  At this point, I knew the eruption was imminent, and I wanted to be home when it happened. 

I don’t know any other way to describe what happened next.  I was no sooner buckled into my seat when the next phase started.  It was as if someone was blowing bubbles inside of me. 

Glass bubbles. 

And as the delicate glass bubbles came in contact with the walls of my intestines, they shattered and sent millions of tiny glass fragments everywhere.  And they hurt.  A lot!  Wave after wave of glass bubbles splintered inside me, until I was in a full blown state of hysterics.  I know I must have a sick sense of humor, because as horrible as it was, I found it immensely funny. Or maybe it was just nervous laughter.  It felt as if my insides were liquefying, and I was terrified that it was not far from the truth.   As the glass bubbles got more and more frequent, the whomp…whomp…whomping…was back.  As each glass bubble burst, the piston loaded with a resounding shudder, and my stomach growled and roared like a circus lion.  The kids were laughing (and holding their noses) because it was clear that I was only moments away from what could be my most embarrassing moment ever!  I have often said that I only run when being chased (specifically by zombies) but I was prepared to make a run for it when and if I made it home!

I did make it home finally, and made it to the bathroom in what would be the nick of time, as they say.  I won’t elaborate on the final blast of Mt. Saint Sugar Free, but I will tell you that after almost an hour in the bathroom with my soon to be husband standing outside the door asking me if I was going to live,  I will never, ever, EVER make that mistake again! 

I will, however, reserve the right to switch the wrappers on the sugar free candies to share them with an unsuspecting ex-husband if the need should ever arise.  Which I’m sure it never will…

Until the next time…I’ll be eating my chocolate the old fashioned way…au naturalle!

 

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

do zombies like girl scout cookies?

I never seem to spend enough time with my kids.  They all have lives of their own now, and I don’t play that big a part on a day to day basis anymore.  Oh, I try.  I am very hip and cool for a Mom.  But they often give me the hint that perhaps I should make myself scarce.  The girls are a little more forgiving when I butt into their friendships, but then again, they still rely on me for rides, money and permission—and, yeah…I am just that cool!  My son on the other hand, is fairly self sufficient.  He still relies on me for some things, (a roof over his head, a stocked refrigerator, and free cable) but at twenty, he feels as if he is all the way grown up and does not need his mother joining in on his play dates—or his Facebook page, apparently—which is why I was so pleased to have spent some quality time with him stuck in traffic today. 

Our topic of conversation veered into the path of flesh eating zombies. 

My son is an expert on zombies.  He could write a book on surviving a zombie attack.  We have mapped out every escape route in our house, planned out the best places to survive, what supplies we will need to have on hand, and what weapons are best suited for self defense.  I have been well schooled on the zombie’s weak spots in the event I am forced to attack.  I have often said that I only run when chased by zombies, but according to my son, I wouldn’t get very far on foot, and should have a substantial vehicle to escape zombies. (It does more damage when you run them down.)   He has seen to it that we are ready for the imminent invasion!

But, we didn’t start the conversation talking about zombies.  We started talking about how stealthy he was.  I was somewhat skeptical—I am far too clumsy to be stealthy—and considering his gene pool, I was doubtful of his ability to be as sneaky as he claimed to be.  (He is over six feet two inches tall, and probably weighs close to two hundred and forty pounds.)

That was when he pulled out a yellow lollipop with a wide grin and announced that he had lifted it from my office.  Mind you, I was unaware that I even had a yellow lollipop in my office.  I was only aware of the two boxes of Girl Scout cookies (Samoas) that he hijacked from my desk this afternoon.  But there was nothing covert about that operation.  He just walked into my office, spotted the familiar purple boxes and announced that, “I’ve read your blog.  You don’t need any more cookies!”  He said this as he grabbed both boxes and spun on his heels to head out the way he came in.  I didn’t put up a fight.  I was at the bank—I didn’t want to alert anyone to the seriousness of my cookie addiction—plus I still had two boxes of Thin Mints, and two boxes of Do Si Dos that must have escaped his notice while he was lifting the yellow lollipop. 

He pulled the wrapper off the lollipop and went on to tell me he was as stealthy as a ninja.  To which I said, “ah…the ninja zombie hunter.” 

He immediately set out to clarify.  “Are you saying that I’m a ninja zombie, who hunts?  Or am I a hunter who hunts ninja zombies.  Those are very specific distinctions.”   

Of course they are.  I should have known.

I just stared ahead at the traffic.  I didn’t know which distinction was the right one.  I thought it would be sort of cool to have a lone zombie, roaming the Earth, dressed in a ninja suit…doing ninja things. 

“No, I would be the zombie hunting ninja!”  He corrected, as if he could hear my thoughts. 

“Ah.” 

I actually wonder sometimes where my kids get their quirkiness from.  And then I remember that I keep a spreadsheet documenting the frequency of wearing my underwear inside out.   (It is only for science, I promise!)

I’m really very lucky to have a twenty year old that is as bright as he is…and witty.  He gets the joke.  He knows that being a zombie encyclopedia is strange, but he doesn’t care.  He just likes zombies.  He will be the first one to poke fun at himself over the strangeness of it all. 

Sort of like his mother. 

Until the next time…I’ll be boarding up all the doors and windows!

the art of negotiation

Who hasn’t cringed at the words, “Mom, can I stay up just a little longer?”  Or, “Mom, can I take the car and drive to Mexico with my friends for spring break?”

Those might be completely different scenarios, but they can both be resolved by using the exact same technique.  It’s the art of negotiation, and I am the queen!

As a business banker, it’s no secret that I know how to negotiate with business owners, corporations, and executives.  I don’t think anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes would question my ability to negotiate my way through almost any situation.  And not just for myself.  My family considers my skills invaluable.  I have negotiated better prices for my sister on a number of occasions.   My mother took me with her furniture shopping so I could get her the best price at least once.  My aunt once drove to almost three hours, specifically for me to take her to garage sales, so I could negotiate her deals. And I even managed to negotiate a free year of cable thanks to my superior skills.  I have always been the one that gets put into the game when a price negotiation was required.  I’m like the clean up pitcher of the shopping circuit. 

After I managed to get a department store to lower a fixed price on an item I desperately wanted, my son told me that I had a black belt in bullshit— and what mom doesn’t want to hear that?  I can’t help it, I take these things seriously!  I’ve even made a car salesman cry!  (and I’m not talking about my ex husband!)

Today’s negotiations started the minute I put on my favorite pants and discovered that they were a little more snug than the last time I’d worn them.  I managed to half convince myself that they were only tight because of the dryer.  Everyone knows that the dryer makes everything shrink a little.  You just have to wear it for a while so it will stretch back out.  Never mind that they aren’t made of cotton or that I only threw them in the dryer for a few minutes to chase off the wrinkles from being on a hanger.  Still, I had to allow that it was possible—although highly unlikely—that it wasn’t the pants that had gotten smaller, but my butt that had gotten larger.  Even if it was only slightly.  So the negotiation turned in the direction of the Girl Scout cookies. 

The problem with negotiating with one’s self is that it is far too easy to switch sides. I have been debating all day about the cookies.  I won…or maybe I lost.  Either way, no Girl Scout cookies for me today. 

See how good I am?  I even managed to beat the Thin Mint addiction with a few well placed arguments.  And it’s a good thing I am that good.  I have to engage in the most challenging of negotiations on a daily basis.  I have…

Teenagers.

Living with teenagers is living a life of constant negotiations.  And when you are negotiating with teenagers you have to approach the task the same way you would an auction.  You have to start your bidding low, and let them try to drive you back up.  Such as with curfews. 

“Be home by eight-thirty!” 

See?  Bring that first offer in low.  Don’t give away the store right from the get-go.  Is eight-thirty an early curfew for a pair of sixteen year olds?  Probably.  But if I had said be home at ten, they would still come back with another offer.  They would be pushing for eleven.  By starting with eight-thirty, I can give up nine o’clock and they feel like they have won a battle.  I would have given them ten, but because I started at eight-thirty, they feel like they’ve gotten over on me by coming in at nine!  Don’t forget to make it seem as though giving in was difficult or they will smell a false victory.  My teenagers still haven’t caught on to the logic, and when they do, I will have taught them a very valuable lesson. 

Just this evening, my daughter decided she wanted to go to a friend’s house for a few hours after school.  I could have easily laid down the rules plain and simple.  No drinking, no drugs, no sex, no smoking, no fighting.  And make no mistake about it…you will have to remind them of the rules every single time they go out, or they will make the assumption that your failure to mention them indicates a fundamental shift in the rules. So I quickly ran through the rules.  Now, I could have easily left it at that, but then I would have nowhere to go when she felt the need to negotiate.  It is important to remember that they will always try to negotiate.  But can you even consider negotiating on those most basic of rules?   No.  So I needed to throw in some rules that I was willing to compromise on.  I added no kissing, no texting, no taking pictures, no listening to music and no dancing.  When you throw those things into the mix, the average teenager doesn’t know where to go in the negotiations.  My daughter immediately went after the ability to text and listen to music—life sustaining activities for a teenager.  That allowed me to counter with no rap music with foul language, and as an added twist I tossed in, “absolutely no popping a cap in anyone’s ass!”  Pretty good advice in most any situation.

I think I managed to completely confuse her, and she simply asked if it was ok to watch a movie and play video games.  I didn’t even have to renegotiate her curfew.  She was home a full hour before nine.  Mission accomplished! 

Now if I could only take my negotiating skills to the next level and convince my geriatric dog that the yard is a perfectly good place to use the bathroom, and that the cat box is absolutely NOT a place to search for a midnight snack!  If I could somehow manage that, I may even make it into the record books or something.  I think even Donald Trump would bow down to my expertise if I could pull off that feat. 

Until the next time…I will be negotiating with my husband for control of the remotes!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

can anyone say intervention?

I have finally exhausted my current supply of Girl Scout cookies.  I emptied the stash in my desk drawer, demolished the stash in my freezer, the roll of Thin Mints in my glove box is completely gone, and I have even found the reserves the kids hid from me.  I’ve had to switch to dry Cap’n Crunch in a hopeless attempt to satisfy my sweet cravings and I figured if I was lucky, I’d lacerate the roof of my mouth to the point that I wouldn’t want sweets anymore.  Sort of like a tasty punishment.  But it didn’t work.  I was still obsessed.  So, this evening I was on a desperate and futile quest to find a new dealer for the Thin Mints.  I was trying to minimize my exposure by spreading it around.  I didn’t want to be seen by any one person buying too many cookies all at once.  People see you buying that many cookies several days in a row and they start planning an intervention.  So I started cruising grocery store parking lots for a new source.  But in a cruel twist of fate, the first time I actually tried to find a girl scout on a street corner pushing those delightful confections, I can’t find a single one!  I think it’s the cold weather that’s driven them underground.   

My next course of action was to run through my entire address book trying to locate anyone who would sell me just one roll of Thin Mints.  Not even the whole box!  Just one roll!  But, no one is willing to part with them.  You would think they were some kind of primitive currency!  I’ve decided that it’s entirely possible I have serious problem.  I’ve never had an addictive personality before.  Except with regard to the diet Coke, (but I’ve kicked that habit all on my own before.)  The cookies are way harder to give up.  My only saving grace is that Girl Scout cookies are completely unattainable after sometime in March—so if I start dieting then, it will still give me a few weeks until spring!  On the up side, I have given up caffeine completely!  I have not had any caffeinated drinks including all forms of Coca Cola products since lunch yesterday!  Hooray!  That should have an immediate impact on weight loss!  Pizza for dinner may cancel out points from caffeine reduction.  But, my husband was out on a business dinner at very nice restaurant, and I have not been given permission to use the stove yet.  In his defense, I haven’t actually asked for permission to use the stove yet.  I figured that gives me temporary license to eat restaurant food every day this week.  I’m on vacation next week, so I will almost certainly be forced to eat the food we already bought.  Still, I suppose I’ll survive. 

I do have a few days left in this week to indulge myself, so tomorrow I’m calling my source.  I’m going to have a few boxes delivered to the bank.  I might even share, just so I don’t look bad.  I’ll even buy a couple boxes for the kids, so they stay away from mine.  I’ll pay cash so my husband won’t know how many boxes I bought.  I’ve probably spent way too much time thinking about this plan.  I should probably spend at least a little bit of time on what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow.  Or what I will do on vacation.  But right now I can’t focus on anything but minty chocolate, crunchy and sweet demons, straight out of the freezer. 

There are worse things to be addicted to.  I have two cousins that are struggling with very different addictions at this moment, so I certainly don’t want to make light of the difficulties involved with the demons they are facing.  My demons are chocolate covered crack biscuits, and while I’m sure my cholesterol and my blood sugar would appreciate it if I would try just a little harder to resist them, my fans are probably rooting for me to score another box so they can follow the crumb trail to steal my stash! 

Until the next time…I’ll be locking my cookies in the vault!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

f*#$%ing girl scout cookies!

After spectacularly beautiful weather in Atlanta this weekend, we were plunged back into winter today.  And I was just starting to get used to the nice warm weather too.  I had my all windows open enjoying the lovely breeze, we started a new garden in the yard, and I even have a newly built fire pit to roast a curried goat! (or not!)  Now, rumor has it that it may snow again tonight!  Snow…in Atlanta! Who would have guessed?

Just over a week ago, I was praying for another dose of snow, and another snow day.  But after only two short days, I’ve become spoiled by the sunshine.  It’s not that I mind the snow.  I mean…a little cold weather just gives me more time for my “six weeks of winter” diet, right?  And after all…spring is just around the corner.

One of the major drawbacks to the coming of spring is the arrival of the dreaded Girl Scout cookies.  This weekend ushered in the official Girl Scout cookie sales launch, so the wretched things were literally EVERYWHERE!  The girl scouts have been staked out in front of every grocery store and every shopping center in town.   I can’t even escape them at work!  Every hour or two a girl scout leader finds her way into the bank dangling a box of cookies on a stick to entice and torment me.  It’s as if they know my willpower is weak. 

There is, without a doubt, something unnatural about those cookies.  I swear to God that Thin Mints are laced with crack!  There is absolutely no other valid reason as to why I feel the overwhelming urge to inhale the entire box after tasting just one.  I don’t even have the patience to dunk them in milk, like with Oreos.  I’m not sure if I’m even tasting them or not.  I seem to lose all rational thought when I have Thin Mints in my hands.  And it’s not just Thin Mints!  If I eat another peanut butter Do Si Do, I think I might burst!

I know…I know…the solution would appear to be quite simple.  Stay away from them.  Don’t buy them.  Just say no and all that.  But those cult leaders trot out the absolute cutest kids to waive the signs, and to dangle the boxes of cookies…and who can resist those little faces?  It’s like running into Sally Struthers and her international children’s charity on every street corner.  I can almost hear Sally now, “Just three dollars and fifty cents for a box of cookies could feed 1 child for an entire year.”  And I can’t even make it through the hour with that one $3.50 box.

The problem is, once they’ve reeled you in they’ve got you.  I’ve already gone through four boxes of the damn crack biscuits and they’ll be back at the bank again tomorrow, I just know it!   Is it any wonder that the poor groundhog barricades himself into his burrow for six extra weeks every year!  He’s trying in vain to avoid the girl scouts and their addictive cookies.

I have tried storing mine in the freezer to slow down my voracious cravings, but damn it if they don’t taste better frozen!  So I decided to only eat one at a time.  I carry that one cookie all the way to the sofa and sit down before I eat it.  I thought, surely the extra effort to fetch more would discourage me—it didn’t.  I just made more trips.  A part of me thinks that might help to burn a few calories.  So I started putting them in a jar above the cabinets.  I have to climb a ladder when I want a cookie.  If I can’t give them up, at least I can make it a workout to get to them. 

I’m positive it isn’t just me who can’t resist the pull toward the temptation of the Girl Scout cookie. I have seen my coworkers scramble to the ATM to withdraw their grocery money just to spend every cent on cases of assorted cookies.  I just have to wonder what the hell the girl scouts are doing with all the millions of dollars in cookie money?  This has to have become a big business!  After all…they even have Thin Mint ice cream now!  I imagine a Girl Scout island somewhere in the South Pacific.  Samoas in Samoa.  Buildings constructed solely of shortbread Trefoils.  Their true leader?  A Willy Wonka like emperor.  The only other inhabitants on this island?  A tribe of Oompa Loompa like creatures dressed in ambassador sashes over tiny bikinis.  I imagine them running around, laughing and playing in the surf, living off fresh fish and vegetables.  What are they laughing at?  They don’t even eat the cookies!  Lucky bastards! 

Until the next time…I’ll be starting a twelve steps anti-cookie program!