Erica Lucke Dean

"Making the world a better place, one book at a time."

got milk?

It’s time for a rant.

I’m not going to single anyone out for this rant. He knows who he is. The guy who wanted me to put goat’s milk on my cereal (hell to the no, just in case you were wondering), but conveniently finishes off the cows milk when the goat runs out. Yeah, that guy. The same one who took the car to work, leaving me here to fend for myself with whatever food I might have on hand (pretty much everything but milk). The guy who ate cereal at least four times yesterday (not counting how many times he ate cereal the day before that, and the day before that, and…you get the idea, right?). 

So I wake up this morning after a miserably restless night, fighting off stomach bugs and insomnia, and all I want is a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. It’s not much to ask is it? A little crunch berry to start my day? But did I get that bowl of wonderful? Oh, no. I did not. And why would that be?

No milk.

Now, this might be inconsequential had we not argued over spillt milk not a week or so ago. It might have been one of those things you notice and move on from. Sure, I’ll have toast today instead. Or what about some eggs? I totally have eggs on hand. But no. I wanted a bowl of cereal. Cap’n fucking Crunch, to be specific. And I have a whole box of the Cap’n. But that shit tears your mouth up even after soaking in milk, I can’t imagine what it would be like dry. I’m going to have to eat something else. And I don’t want something else.

I sit and contemplate how far the walk to the store is. It’s far. Too far even on a really nice day, like today. I contemplate calling him at work and letting him have it…just because I’m annoyed, and I want him to know I’m annoyed, even though there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

But that’s the old me. The new me is going to do something much more constructive.

I’m going to plot.

What does he love more than milk? What food item could I deny him that would set him off in epic proportions? Then I think, maybe I don’t limit my scope to food. Maybe I branch out to other things I could take from him…like toothpaste or deoderant. Then I remember, he’s a guy. He might not notice for a few days. I could take away the beer, but since we never actually have beer in the house, that wouldn’t work either. Beer is a resource that is always consumed immediately. Unlike milk that should be available for days after purchase. Unless you live in my house, with people who go through cereal like a chain smoker goes through cigarettes.

So I guess I’m going to pout for a few more minutes and make myself something else to eat.

Wait! One of the kids just came home…with a car!

After a few well spent minutes of intense negotiations, I convince the offspring to make a milk run. I hand her the husband’s credit card (cuz, yeah, he’s totally paying for this) and give her a list of things I might want from the store, because if she’s going for milk, she may as well get donuts…and chocolate syrup…and hey we’re out of ketchup and I can’t forget about lunch, it’s just around the corner. And since she’s making the trip, she may as well get something for herself. On me. Or, well…on him.

It’s the least he can do.

Until the next time…I’ll be having cereal for breakfast.

Copyright © 2000-2016, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.