anatomy of a clumsy blogger

Have you ever asked yourself why you are the way you are?  Why you laugh at the jokes no one else gets and don’t get the jokes you’re supposed to find funny?  Why you see magic in inanimate objects, or hear voices in a quiet room?  Why you plan for a coming zombie invasion when you don’t really believe in zombies?  Why you trip over imaginary objects?

Or is that just me? 

No, I’m not crazy.  Of course not, I’m a writer.  But that doesn’t explain why I’m so clumsy.  I was telling my life story to someone today…well, we only covered a few of the highlights, but it was the story of my life just the same.  I was wondering how, in all my years of klutziness, I’ve managed to survive relatively unscathed.  Concussions? I’ve had a few, but not a single broken bone.  I arrived at the conclusion that I am no ordinary klutz…I’m an extraordinary klutz.  I’ve had more than the normal amount of practice at falling down.  And I plan ahead.  If you know you’re bound to find the one spot in your path that is certain to trip you up, and you will undoubtedly find yourself off balance at the top of a steep incline, you tend to prepare for every inevitability.

For example…I was staring at an old tree as I stood in the driveway recently and wondered which direction I would run if that well rooted tree suddenly decided to uproot itself and fall in my direction.  I didn’t stop to ask myself what would cause a tree to fall, I simply found myself planning my escape in the unlikely event that very thing should happen.  Not long after, the same tree was struck by lightning during a storm and one of the very large limbs did land in almost exactly the same place I imagined.  I was sleeping at the time, but if I had been standing in the yard during the storm, I would have known which way to run.  Of course, I would have surely tripped and fallen before escaping the impact zone, and probably would have died from my injuries.   Preparation isn’t the same as prevention after all.

So where does that leave me?  With another example of why you read my blog, of course. 

After a long hot weekend, I gave up my vow to avoid Dairy Queen at all costs, and made a trip to the drive-thru today.  My cup of ice cream (expertly blended with bits of candy just the way I like it) was starting to melt by the time I plopped down in my chair to eat it while multitasking.  I had my laptop balanced across my lap, my phone rested beside that, and my ice cream in one hand as I fended off the advances of one very tenacious mastiff as he attempted to stick his tongue in my treat.  I lifted the ice cream above my head, trying not to spill my computer or my phone onto the floor and pushed against his slobbery face.  It took me a few seconds to register the cold, sticky sensation of my ice cream, pouring over the top of my head and down the back of my shirt as the cup tilted in my hand. 

I salvaged enough to eat and managed to keep the dog occupied lapping up the mess on the floor, effectively killing two birds with one stone.  And since I lost a good bit to the curse of the klutz, I figured I saved a few calories too. 

There’s always a positive side to everything, right?

Until the next time…I’ll be preparing for my next walk across the floor!

Copyright © 2000-2018, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
Posted on August 31, 2011 .