today was a real pain in my butt

You know you’re in trouble when the highlight of your day is oversleeping and waking up with a sore throat, ear ache and a wicked cough.  How could things possibly get worse than that? 

Oh, trust me…they can.

I rolled out of bed after being rudely awakened by a giant dog dripping slobber in my face, and stumbled to the bathroom in a daze.  I wasn’t awake enough to remember my evil plot to catch unsuspecting family members in the broken toilet seat.  It was a perfect excuse to delay buying a new seat…and I got to laugh hysterically at their squeals of surprise when they forgot about the jagged crack.

Today, my plan went horribly awry. 

I sat down too quickly and the broken seat…the very same one I was going to replace tomorrow…I really was!  Well, that same toilet seat reached up like an angry alligator to take a bite out of my butt.  As a matter of fact, it grabbed on with its mighty jaws and would not let go. 

That sort of thing will wake you up in a hurry.  

But asleep or awake, I was stuck in the powerful grip of this rogue toilet seat.  I tried without luck to release myself by pressing near the fissure, hoping to force its mouth to open and set me free.  But all I succeeded in doing was causing the seat to grip even tighter.  And, believe me; having your butt cheek pinched between two sides of a wooden toilet seat is fairly uncomfortable to begin with, I wasn’t inclined to make it worse. 

I thought, just maybe, if I rocked back and forth I could free myself from my unpleasant predicament.  So I leaned my body to one side and then the other in a little cheek wiggle hoping to trick my captor into releasing its grasp.

In my attempts to shake myself loose, I managed to hit my head on the wall hard enough to see stars, which also managed to knock me loose.  Unfortunately, it also left me with a nasty bite mark on my butt as well as a nice little knot on my head. 

But oh…it gets worse.

Once I was up and dressed, my husband agreed to take me out to lunch.  He was having a horrible day at work, and needed to get away from the office…also known as the desk in my bedroom (he works from home.)

I didn’t feel well, so I ordered a hot meatball sandwich…my favorite on days like today…and excitedly took a great big bite. 

Who knew the meatballs had been pulled directly from a vat of boiling marinara sauce?  Not me, that’s for sure.

Have you ever noticed the similarities between marinara sauce and liquid hot magma?  I noticed right away.  The sauce stuck to the roof of my mouth, which in turn, melted.  I’m not kidding…the skin on the roof of my mouth actually melted.  And yes, that hurt.  A lot.   But thanks to my mission to find the positive in every situation, I’ve decided the serious burns would be great incentive to stop eating for a few days, and I might just lose a few pounds along the way. 

The only saving grace for my day was the stock pile of frozen lemonade treats in my freezer.  They did double duty soothing my sore throat and my scalded mouth. 

I even sat on one to ease the swelling from one nasty bite mark. 

Even I can’t find the positive side of that one.

Until the next time…I’ll be drinking a few wine coolers and heading to bed!

Copyright © 2000-2018, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
Posted on September 20, 2011 .