has anyone seen my...?

Is nothing sacred? I mean SERIOUSLY! I get that house guests like to snoop. I get that stealing a squirt of that expensive perfume is often too tempting to resist. Rifling through the medicine cabinet is a cliche for a reason. And eating the last piece of cheese or the last ice cream sandwich just doesn't seem to phase anyone these days. But damn it, there are some things you just don't touch!

Yet...someone did. And herein lies the mystery.

My name is Erica, I am a victim of theft. But due to the delicate nature of the crime...or rather the specific item stolen...I find myself wondering if I should just pretend it didn't happen. I mean, how the hell would I begin to conduct the investigation? I'm pretty sure I can't blame this one on the ghost, I'm afraid to blame it on my kids, and who wants to approach a house guest with a scathing accusation that would easily make a sailor blush? And honestly, do I really want to admit to owning such a thing on the off chance they didn't do it?

So, here I am, like a pissed off, frustrated Nancy Drew, with no one to interrogate.

I feel like I should put up a notice on the refrigerator...

Dear thief,

And you KNOW who you are! Remember that thing you took from me? I want it back! I want it back now! And I want you to wash it thoroughly before you return it. Consider using bleach. This is what I'm going to do...I'm going to turn my back and when I turn around, I want to find my thing back where I left it, and we will never speak of this again. Oh, and seriously...what would make you think it was remotely ok to take something like that? Is nothing sacred?

But then again, I sort of want to pretend it never happened and chalk the whole thing up as a loss. I mean...do I really want it back after someone else has used it? It's almost like it cheated on me. Will I ever be able to look at it the same way again? I think we've completely exceeded the five second rule at this point.

I'm beginning to think this story will be marked down with Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster as one of those great unsolved mysteries of the world.

And I guess I'll be buying a new vibrating toothbrush tomorrow.

Until the next time...I'll be watching my inbox for the comments to come rolling in.

Copyright © 2000-2018, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
Posted on January 22, 2013 .