jurassic pig

Well, this is it. The end. That last hurrah in a life cut far too short. I never got to reach my diet goal. I never found the secret of life. I never solved that damn Rubik's cube.

With imminent death approaching, my life flashed before my eyes, and all I could see was the juicy bacon cheeseburger I ate last week. Somehow I knew I was being punished by karma. An eye for an eye, a pork butt for a...you get the idea. Stuff like that just doesn't go unnoticed by those who notice stuff like that. (Did you get any of that?)

So, perhaps I was exaggerating, slightly. Clearly I didn't die (I'm still blogging, right?) And yet, it was a close call. I can't stress how close I came to meeting my maker. And I'm afraid George Lucas would have been so ashamed of me. I said such awful things about the most recent Star Wars movies (but let's be honest...it wasn't his best work. And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Aliens? Really?) But Mr. Lucas aside (see this post if you're wondering when George Lucas became God) someone was smiling down on me again...probably enjoying the show far too much to pull the plug so soon...and I survived, using nothing more than the sheer strength of my sharp wit and keen intelligence. And a really big bowl of pig feed.


Let me just say this, never get between a piglet and his dinner.

The squealing began before I'd even stepped off the porch, their dirty little snouts scrunched up in delight as they watched me approach. They were all sweetness and joy as they risked electrocution, again and again, to poke their faces between the slats in the fence to greet me. But the instant I unplugged the power and threw my leg over the side, they turned on me like pack of ravenous velociraptors.


I've easily seen Jurassic Park hundreds of times, and I can say with certainty, a hungry piglet even sounds like a velociraptor.

I don't know why it surprised me that they had rows of tiny sharp teeth, but when they gripped onto my sweatpants, tugging and pulling me toward the ground, I was nonetheless shocked to discover this fact. My cute little piggies have fangs! Ok, I didn't actually see them, but I assume they have teeth. And their little paws (or hooves, I guess) pressed into me as they attempted to climb up my legs. Apparently, they love their slop. 

I managed to escape their clutches just in time, thanks to careful placement of their food, and my stealthy retreat from the pen. Ok, lied again. I wasn't even a little bit stealthy. I tripped over an orange on the way out, but I did manage to stay on my feet the whole time. I plugged in the fence, then got the hell out of there to write it all down. I shudder to think how close I came to being eaten by food. Oh, the irony!

And don't bother asking...no, I didn't get this on video. I was too busy not dying to record it. It would have been an awesome video though. I'm sure of it. And who knows...I may get another opportunity. Maybe I can trick...I mean convince...someone else to feed them while I record it. Yeah...that could work.

Until the next time...I'll be staying out of the pig pen.

Copyright © 2000-2018, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
Posted on January 24, 2013 .