fly me a river

Flies. The word alone scares up images of pestilence and plague. It conjures up scenes from movies such as the Amityville Horror and the Fly. And for me, if brings back memories of last spring when we first moved into our haunted farmhouse. Here...take a peek at what I'm talking about.

Grocery List

  1. Bug spray
  2. Peppermint soap
  3. Bleach
  4. Holy water
  5. One well seasoned exorcist

I got up this morning with the express intention of taking a much needed shower. Finally, the clog in the pipes has been cleared, it is no longer raining in my basement, and the depths of Hell no longer appear to be gurgling up from my tub drain. But when I pulled back the shower curtain to crank on the water, I was greeted by one of the ten plagues of Egypt.


They were everywhere. I was staring at a fly pattern on the inside of my shower curtain. Fly wallpaper on the tile walls. It was as if the tub drain was the rabbit hole and the flies were the rabbits. And the thing about those biblical plague flies…they didn’t just mess with Yul Brynner…no, they showed up in the Amityville Horror, too. Let’s face it, there’s no mistaking the signs. If the flies come up to bat, there is some serious shit going down!

But after several days of marinating in my own sweat (yeah, I went there) I wasn’t going to let any damn flies keep me from my freaking shower.

I pulled out my trusty Fabuloso and dumped a cup into the drain. Then I attached the spray nozzle and doused the spectators hanging out in my shower until they were dropping like…well…like flies. Then I cranked up the scalding hot water and rinsed their nasty carcasses down the drain.

Then I took a shower using my strongest peppermint soap, hopeful the smell would ward off any future invaders from visiting me during the day. I’m beginning to get a serious complex. And I’m thinking my house might be haunted after all.

First there was no hot water, then the septic backed up into the scary basement, then Hell bubbled up in my tub and rained in the basement, and now the flies.

It would seem I have a poltergeist in my plumbing. Does anyone have Steven Spielberg’s number?

A year later and another wave of flies later, I would be willing to give up a year's worth of chocolate in order to eradicate the flies from my house. Seriously people, this is getting ridiculous. I've actually brought up the idea of getting a few indoor frogs...alas, that idea was nixed in favor of sticky fly paper. And let me tell you, sticky fly paper is the bane of my existence...well, next to the flies. Have you ever walked face first into fly paper? I don't recommend it.

Until the next time…I’ll be stocking up on peppermint soap and Holy water! 

Copyright © 2000-2018, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
Posted on June 10, 2013 .