Tonight, as a special treat, we have author Stephen Kozeniewski guest blogging for me because I was lazy...I mean Indy got bit by a snake and I was taking care of him. And I'm milking that excuse for at least another day. And no, I'm not drunk (though I do occasionally partake, despite what some might think) but I think Stephen is.
Eh, at least I get the night off, right?
Ladies and gentlemen...I give you, Stephen Kozeniewski...
Steve and unnamed pussy
Attention followers of Erica Lucke Dean!
I now control the vertical.
I now control the horizontal.
I now control the fluff.
Yes. That’s right. ALL the fluff in China.
Because Indy is sick. So while Erica is taking care of doggy I am
spelling her for a day on her blog. I know it’s not normally guest post
day (Saturdays, 12:00/11:00 central) but, I mean, come on. Her dog got bit by a Coppertone.
What? Sun tan lotion? Yes I know.
Her dog got bit by an ophidian of some description.
So, for today, one day only, you get a blue light special on me: Snephen Kozanflumflum. (I forget how it’s spelled.)
First of all, I want to point out that I have repeatedly canvassed Erica
to change the name of her blog to Shit Out of Lucke. (Clever, no?
Not, “Clever: no” but rather the interrogative. But also the first
thing.) And every time she has responded, “Did you know Cooper was
based on Harry Cargill?”
Yes. Yes, we all know that.
The topic tonight is booze. The reason behind said pre-aforementioned
topic is that Erica, as you know, does not and should not drink.
However, if Sex and the City has taught me anything (and it hasn’t) it’s
that romance people like their booze. And that Baryshnikov is a
terrible, terrible lover. So two things, really, that it didn’t teach
us.
My poison of choice is bourbon. It’s not very ladylike, which is good,
because I’m not. Ladylike. (Except for pedicures. Those are
awesome.) And, specificagally, a brand of Old Bourbon called Booze
Crow. I’m drinking it right now, in fact. You couldn’t tell. That’s
how good I am at wordsmithery.
And why not? But, more importantly, why? Because I’m an author. A
scrivener, a la Bartleby. A writesman. And if there’s one thing that
everyone knows that they didn’t learn from Sex and the City, it’s that
writesmans needs booze.
And why not? But more importantly, why? Take Hemingway. Please.
[rimshot] It is a well-known and popular fact that Hemingway drank
excessively all his life with no ill effects. (ed – Hemingway shot
himself as a result of morbid alcoholism.)
Or, as another example, take Poe. Please. [crickets] Ahem. [clears
throat] Poe also drank his whole life, and also, with no ill effects.
(ed – Poe also took his own life due to morbid alcoholism.) Or
Bukowski! (ed – Bukowski…well, he died of leukemia. But the booze
probably didn’t help matters.)
But what is it about bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors, and Old
Crow, oldest of the brownest of the brown liquors, that causes me to
recommend it so highly? Well, because Old Crow is a classic. My
friends, to a tee, make fun of me for this predilection.
“Old Crow is a bottom shelf,” they say, or they would, if they were still talking to me.
“Ahhhh,” I would theoretically reply, “But was it not Dr. James Crow,
the eponymous ‘Crow’ of the title, who invented the single batch sour
mash process?”
To which nodding all around would be my reward.
So, I guess what I’m saying is: Kids, don’t drink. It’s not cool. Be
cool. Like Erica. And feel better, Indy. There, I was nice to a dog.
Proof positive of my humanity in these situations.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled flibberjibbetflurmypassthebour
bon…
Blog: http://manuscriptsburn.blogspot.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/outfortune
Until the next time...I'll be enjoying my much deserved night off.