I'm just a few bars away from a prison cell. I feel like my mouth has been duct-taped shut. My hands are cuffed behind my back keeping my fingers far from the keyboard. Even my brain is on total lock down. I've been forced to eat beans and cabbage for dinner. But worse than that, I've been banned from discussing anything that goes on in my house...other than myself.
Crap. Not this again!
You send one tweet about someone who doesn't like attention and all hell breaks loose. It's not like I divulged bank account information...or intimate sex life details...though I suspect my readers would eat that stuff up. No, it was something I thought was totally innocuous, and yet, apparently I'd committed a fairly grievous crime. And as we all know, crime doesn't pay, but we all pay for crime.
So here I am, trying to come up with something exciting to write about, and drawing a great big blank. I haven't had a shower yet. I haven't left the house in days. Even the ducks are out of ear shot. I'm totally screwed.
And not in a good way. Not. At. All.
But for some strange reason, I find myself thinking about the Gettysburg address. And embarrassingly, I don't have it memorized. The balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, yes. Lincoln's most famous speech...nope. That's a writer for ya. A writer with nothing to say. Or more specifically, nothing I'm allowed to say.
So, I've decided from today forward, I'm making up a new life.
And in this life, I'm several pounds lighter and at least a decade younger. Handsome men are falling at my feet and I can actually walk in a sexy pair of Jimmy Choo's. Oh yeah...things just got a whole lot more interesting around here. Who needs the nouveau Amish and their snooty ducks? Not me. I have Henry, the Earl of Catnip and Cooper Maxwell. I have my own damn theme music and I'm walking through life to the sassy beat!
Right after I take a shower and shave my legs. Even I can't imagine this stuff while sitting in a dirty Eddie Bauer sweatshirt with a good month's worth of stubble.
Until the next time...I'll be having fun for a change!