In honor of the 4th of July, I've decided to write a post about avoidable disasters. Let's face it, we all know a story about someone who blew off a finger while setting off fireworks. Or set their hair on fire playing with sparklers. Or ate so many hot dogs they ended up in the emergency room having their stomach pumped. (Ok, so I might have made that last one up...but it sounds plausible, right?)
So, to make a fine point on this, I'm digging into my own history of avoidable disasters. Starting with number...
10. Try not to flood the stove. This one is totally avoidable for anyone who doesn't have a pot filler over the stove. I don't have one here at the farm, and no matter how many times I've begged for one, I've been reminded of the ONE time I left the water running.
9. Steer clear of pole dancing aerobics classes. This sounds really easy, but when you have adventurous friends, it's amazingly hard to avoid. However, those of us with OCD should take note...people sweat and they put their crotches on that pole. I think that's all I need to say.
8. Never feed pigs without adult supervision. I mean, sure, I'm an adult, but let's get serious...it's dangerous for clumsy people to hang out with pigs. They will totally eat you if given the opportunity. And falling down is the perfect opportunity.
7. Do NOT lock yourself out of the house in your underwear. I shouldn't have to give more explanation on this one, but trust me when I say, it's a bad idea.
6. Be sure to open the fireplace flue before starting fire. Yes, I should have known this. And yes, I did it more than once. Why do you think I was forbidden by my husband to play with fire after that?
5. Eggs can NOT be cooked in the microwave. Not even if you put them in a bowl of water to boil. They WILL blow the door of the microwave, and you'll NEVER get the little bits of egg from the air vents.
4. And speaking of boiling stuff...never leave the kitchen with a pan on the stove. Those same eggs will explode like 4th of July rockets if you let the water boil out. This is something I know just a little bit about.
3. Keep your curling iron locked up when not in use. If it falls off the counter, it just MAY end up toggling the on button, and you MIGHT just step on it in bare feet. This COULD cause second degree burns on the soft fleshy underside of your toes. If this DOES happen, toilet paper and tape can be used to cover the wounds, but it's gonna hurt. For a LONG time.
2. Never ever, under any circumstances, attempt your own bikini wax with a kit bought from the grocery store. This will result in disaster. Every. Single. Time.
1. Always watch for random chainsaws while walking barefoot in the kitchen. Tripping on a chainsaw (even if it's not running) will cause ugly, jagged cuts and abrasions on, and between, your toes. It hurts. And you're likely to get yelled at for being too clumsy to see a chainsaw on the floor. This will result in hurt feelings and possible intermittent moments of rage, especially if you have PMS. I recommend avoiding this situation altogether.
And please...be safe on the 4th of July. Don't blow your fingers or toes off...and never put a lit bottle rocket between your legs while you take a sip of your beer. This has, thankfully, never happened to me, but since I live in the North Georgia Mountains, I've heard stories, and figured it might be a good idea to pass on this warning too. Happy Independence Day!
Until the next time...I'll be bandaging my poor toes yet again!