Once upon a time, I decided that for Mother’s Day, I would dredge up some amusing story about my mom to share with everyone (including her.) Something that would bring laughter and maybe a few tears. But as I combed my brain for all the funny moments that would be appropriate (as in wouldn’t get me in big trouble with Mom) I came to the realization that there are just far too many stories to tell. I decided it might be fun to just mash them together and pull out a few special moments from my childhood. And then I decided I’d repost it every year and add just one more to the list.
So here goes…
Mom circa 1960something.
Dear Mom,
Thank you for teaching me why it is bad to put a cat into the washing machine. (Especially when it is full of hot soapy water and cloth diapers.)
Thank you for putting the marshmallow peeps and black jelly beans in my Easter basket every year to keep me from eating too much candy. And thank you for eating all of the candy I didn’t like so it didn’t go to waste.
Thank you for learning how to sew so you could make my clothes for me when I was little. And thank you for using the rick rack trim because it still makes me laugh to say "rick rack."
Thank you for cutting my hair when I was little. And thank you for taking pictures of me with the terrible haircuts so I can prove how bad they really were. (And oh my God! They were bad!)
Thank you for always making my birthday a special day all on its own, even though it falls just a few days after Christmas.
Thank you for never making me eat liver and onions even though it was your favorite.
Thank you for watching the Wizard of Oz with me every year even though you were afraid of the wicked witch.
Thank you for letting me believe in Santa Claus long past the age most kids did. And then letting me help you keep the secret from my younger sister so I could pretend for just a little while longer.
Thank you for eating the pickles in my McDonald’s hamburgers because you knew I didn't like them even though you didn't like them either.
Thank you for teaching me how to bandage a wound using toilet paper and scotch tape. (I still use this invaluable knowledge to this day.)
Thank you for knowing how to bake everything from scratch even though you don’t like to cook.
Thank you for making sure I had the best Halloween costume every year. And thank you for teaching me that sometimes the best costume is the one you made from scratch.
Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to like younger men. (I finally understand what you mean when you said two twenty-year-olds are better than one forty-year-old.)
Thank you for teaching me that you don’t have to be a good dancer to have a whole lot of fun doing it. (Same goes for karaoke…but thank you for not giving me your singing genes.)
Thank you for going to karaoke with me, and thank you for getting up there to sing just so we could laugh at your singing.
Thank you for making sure I knew at a very young age that it was ok to draw pictures of my parents, but only if they were wearing clothes.
Thank you for introducing me to the music of Elvis Presley and the Jackson 5.
Thank you for letting me make my own mistakes sometimes, even though you could have stopped me.
Thank you for teaching me how to back up the car. (Oh wait, never mind, that was Dad.)
Thank you for showing me that it’s perfectly ok to send your eggs back (in a restaurant) until they get them right. Even if they never really get them right.
Thank you for telling the very best dirty jokes.
Thank you for cheating at board games to remind us that life isn’t always fair and cheaters sometimes do win.
Thank you for being a nurse so I have someone to call at two in the morning when I think something is terribly wrong with me, and thank you for telling me it’s probably just gas.
Thank you for knowing how to draw blood so you could tell the nurses how to do it when it was my turn to have blood taken.
Thank you for being strong enough to survive the things that would have killed weaker people. And thank you for flipping the bird at us while you were on a ventilator so we could find some humor in a scary situation.
Thank you for teaching me that being a good mother doesn't always mean being a perfect mother and some mistakes can be happy accidents.
Thank you for the good genes. Looking my age would have totally sucked!
Thank you for “loosely” inspiring some of my best characters. (Don’t ask, I’ll never tell which ones! But it might be Kennedy’s mom in Deflowering Kennedy. Shhh... that’s a secret!)
To all you mothers out there…have a Happy Mother’s Day!