I've never even been to Tangiers!

Weekly Guest Spotlight.

This week's guest is author Stephen Kozeniewski.​

I first met Katie in Tangiers in 1948.  Wait, is Katie the character or the author?  Well, either way, we first met in Morocco.  Or was it Mombasa?  I don’t really remember.  The important things is…no wait, it was the internet.  Except in those days, the internet was a series of wax cylinders and it was known as “Victory Cabbage.”
 
After I met…Erica, that’s her name (right on the tip of my tongue, too)…I realized that we were both in the same boat.  It was a real boat, called the Reuben James, but that’s a story for another time.  The story for this time is when we were in the same proverbial boat.  We were both getting published this year, which I think I said earlier was ’48, but was actually this year, ’13.
 
So, when Erica first asked me to write a guest blog post, the first thing I did was, very naturally, to go through my old files to see if there was anything that would cost me zero effort to throw out there.  There was not.  Then I went through my own blog to see if there were any posts I could arrogate.  There were, but she asked me to write a fresh one.  So, here I am, minutes before the deadline, furiously beating on my keyboard, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly back into the past.
 
Then I thought to myself, “Self,” I thought, “You’re overweight.  Significantly.  You need to get off the god-damn couch, put this computer away for a couple of weeks, and take a walk around the block once in a while.  Maybe stop scarfing down your midnight Big Macs and put down that bottle of Old Crow that I know you drink every night, you sow!”
 
To which myself replied, “Go get stuffed, jerkola!  I’m the one who does all the work here!  You give me all the Big Macs I want!  In fact, right now, I want a Double Quarter Pounder with Double Cheese!”
 
After I got back from McDonald’s, an idea for a blog post occurred to me.  First, vamp for time with a lengthy, mostly nonsensical introduction.  Then, talk about how Erica and I both got published this year!  Brilliant!  And well worth the now critical blood pressure level.  Erica, of course, will be getting published before me, mostly because of all the bribes she passes around like candy.  (It gives whole new meaning to all those posts about chasing pigs when you realize all the real pork she’s greasing palms with.)  That aside, though, we both followed a very similar course to publication.
 
So, without further ado, here are the three steps to getting published.
 
STEP 1: MERCHANDISING!  MERCHANDISING!  MERCHANDISING!
 
It’s never too early to start thinking about this!  Most of your time as an unpublished (or “pre-published” if you’re a jagoff) author should be spent doing mockups of movie posters, lengthy revenue flow charts, purchasing bulk cotton t-shirts for heat pressing, planning tie-ins and crossovers with more popular properties, and writing awards speeches.  You should write SO MANY awards speeches.  First, write a speech specifically targeting each of the following: the Emmys, the Oscars, the Grammys, and the Cable Ace Awards.  Then, write an all-purpose speech combining the general gist of your last four speeches into one, just in case someone springs a surprise awards ceremony on you. 
 
This is also the step where you should be considering whether thetitle of your novel or textbook rhymes in any way with Mountain Dew (or can be easily inserted into Mountain Dew commercials.)  Go Tell It On the Mountain?  Clunky, but serviceable.  Mountain Stu?  Better.  Mountain Stu’s Extreme Carbonated Soft Drink-Fueled Adventure Series, Part 1: Maximum Hyperdrive?  “Pitch” perfect.  (That’s a little advertising humor for you.)
 
STEP 2: QUERYING
 
It is a well known and popular fact that query letter writing is a once-and-done process.  See, your subconscious mind knows what’s best before your conscious mind is ever aware of it.  That’s why, in multiple choice questions, if you’re ever not sure, your best bet is to select the choice you gravitated towards first.  Scientists have proven this (citation pending.) 
 
Similarly, your query letter is best in its first draft.  Whatever you write first, never change it, specifically if you did it in around fifteen minutes.  Doing it fast ensures your subconscious was really cracking that morning, especially if you got over the bourbon hangover.  Even better if you were still hung over.  That’s like having a direct connection to the little man in your mind telling you what to do.  I think his name is Super Id.
 
Still don’t think you can do it?  Right you are.  Therefore, I will help you out EVEN FURTHER and this is SOLELY OUT OF THE GENEROSITY OF MY HEART.  (But if you have bourbon, I will take it.)  Use the following Mad Lib™ to generate your query letter.  (And remember, the more profanity you use the better.
 
Dear <profanity>,
 
My name is <profane gerund> <name or better yet a more famous author’s name>.  Stop what you’re doing right now, <compound profanity>!  Take your hands off your genitals, <gender-specific profanity>, and buy my book!  It’s got robots and explosions, it’s about the human condition, it’s got a setting and everything!  Patent pending.
 
Peace, <taboo profanity>,
 
<different name from the one listed above>
You know where to find me.
 
I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Steve, my book doesn’t have ANY robots or explosions.”  Well, that was your first mistake.  Go fix it right now.  But if you don’t, doesn’t matter.  The query letter is solely to ensure that the, I don’t know, bookbinder or whoever you’re sending it to reads the sample pages.  Better to pull the old switcheroo first rather than put the truth in the query and the lie in the pages.
 
STEP 3:  PROFIT
 
There you have it, folks.  Kick back and watch the benjamins roll in.  Or, if you’re Canadian, the loonies.
 
In all honesty, though, I want to thank Erica for giving me this chance to write a little something (and, yes, she was the one that told me “be funny”) and if you enjoy my unique skew on the world, you can visit me at my blog here (http://manuscriptsburn.blogspot.com/) or on my twitter account here (https://twitter.com/outfortune)

Stephen Kozeniewski lives with his wife of 9 years and cat of 22 pounds in Pennsylvania, the birthplace of the modern zombie. He was born to the soothing strains of “Boogie With Stu” even though The Who are far superior to Zep, for reasons that he doesn’t even really want to get into right now.

During his time as a Field Artillery officer, he served for three years in Oklahoma and one in Iraq, where due to what he assumes was a clerical error, he was awarded the Bronze Star. The depiction of addiction in his fiction is strongly informed by the three years he spent working at a substance abuse clinic, an experience which also ensures that he employs strict moderation when enjoying the occasional highball of Old Crow.

He is also a classically trained linguist, which sounds much more impressive than saying his bachelor’s degree is in German.

Until the next time...I'll be doing damage control after Stephen's, ahem, advice. ​

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a wicked good guest

Weekly Guest Spotlight

This week's guest, author Edward Lorn.

Where the hell am I? Are those flowers in the background? Holy crap, I've gone mad, haven't I? I've been hog-tied and set to rot away on the Isle of Frill and Romance.

Oh, hey there. I thought I was alone. Thank Tom Cruise you finally came along. My name's Edward Lorn. I'm not supposed to be here. Seriously, I write thrillers and horror and stuff. I added “and stuff” because I've been known to put, like, you know, emotions and other offal into my strokes of genius. But I digress. Don't get me wrong; I am awesome, but I need to get back to my point. What was my point? I don't think I came to one. Okay, so I should get to the topic is what you're saying? Gotcha.

Erica and I share a stable over at Red Adept Publishing. She steals my hay on a daily basis, and I must constantly remind her not to drop patties in my straw pile. But overall, she's a swell lady. She was kind enough to invite me over for tea and crumpets, so here I am. Sadly, there were no crumpets, and “tea” around Erica's household seems to be synonymous with pumpkin brandy.

Those flowers are really getting to me.

Anyway, I guess I should plug my own work. That's the thing to do, is it not? I wrote some stuff (quite a few stuffs, actually) so maybe you'd find it in your heart to read my wares. I was called “dark, malefic and often gross” in a recent review, so keep that in mind when you click the Buy Now button on your preferred bookseller's website. My newest book is Hope for the Wicked, in which a husband and wife hit-team run off to Mexico to find a kidnapped girl. Things go horribly wrong. It's a fun read, quick and to the point. Of course, by “fun” I mean traumatizing, and by “quick and to the point” I mean it bites and does not let go.

Now, where's the door? I'm obviously allergic to this type of flora. I'm starting to hallucinate. Next thing you know, I'll be calling myself awesome or genius or some such nonsense.

Coming through. Mind the ego!

Edward Lorn is an American horror author presently residing in the southeast United States. He enjoys storytelling, reading, and writing biographies in the third person. For info on his latest novel, Hope for the Wicked, click here.

I stumbled into a new genre

Weekly Guest Spotlight

This week's guest is Mary Fan, the author of Artificial Absolutes​, a new science fiction novel. Click here for more info.

What the dickens is “New Adult”? The genre has been popping up in publishing news and book blogs for the past few months, and people seem to be both fascinated and confused by it. Well, the simplest explanation of the NA genre is that it’s fiction written for the 18- to 25-year-old age group, featuring protagonists who are either in college or in the early stages of independence.

Not so long ago, there were only two age groups for books: Children’s and Adult’s. Similarly, scientists who study human development only made that distinction in the stages of life. Then they realized that the teenage years are their own stage of development, separate from both childhood and adulthood, and culture shifted to accommodate that new perception. Products were made to cater specifically to teenagers, and the Young Adult genre in books was born.

These days, reports are coming in left and right about how the brain continues developing well into a person’s twenties. The age of privilege has made it clear as well: twenty-somethings are not quite adults. They’re still finding themselves, and many still rely on their parents. The New Adult genre seems designed for these not-quite-grown-ups who devoured YA fiction as teenagers and can’t quite relate to full-blown adult lit just yet.

When I was writing Artificial Absolutes, I had trouble finding a genre for it. That it counted as sci-fi was clear—the story’s set in outer space, after all—but the age group bothered me. Because of its young protagonist (Jane is a somewhat immature 22-year-old who’s graduated from university but isn’t entirely independent yet), calling it adult fiction seemed off. Plenty of grown-up sci-fi features protagonists of Jane’s age, but they are generally mature and sure of themselves. At the same time, Artificial Absolutes isn’t about teenagers, so although it “felt” more like YA, putting it in that category wouldn’t be right either.

Which is where New Adult comes in. When I first heard of the genre, I rolled my eyes. The examples given by the articles I read included stories about college girls and New York hipsters. Then it dawned on me that just like you can have YA fantasy, sci-fi, etc., you can have sub-sets of NA. In Artificial Absolutes, Jane not only flies starships, she also wrestles with a quarter-life crisis. Like most twenty-something’s, she’s no longer a child, but she’s not yet a grown-up. In other words, Artificial Absolutes fits nicely into the category of NA Sci-Fi, a category so new that I’m pretty sure no bookstore has set aside a shelf for it yet.

In other words, I wrote NA before it was cool. Go ahead, call me a hipster.

Mary Fan lives in New Jersey, where she is currently working in financial marketing. She has also resided in North Carolina, Hong Kong, and Beijing, China. She has been an avid reader for as long as she can remember and especially enjoys the infinite possibilities and out-of-this-world experiences of science fiction and fantasy.​

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You might be a bridezilla if...

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight 

Tonight’s guest is writer Raine Thomas. For more about Raine, click on her photo to visit her website.

It’s Valentine’s Week—that’s right, it’s not even just a day anymore—so you know love is in the air! (Okay, so maybe that’s last night’s microwaveable burrito, but you know what I mean). Everywhere you look, there are red and pink candy hearts, rows of greeting cards, pounds of chocolate, and fluffy teddy bears. What does all of this have to do with love?

I have no idea.

You’d think I would. After all, I’m a wedding planner as well as an author. Romance is the name of the game. You’d think my focus would be on engagements, weddings, and how to direct brides away from overpriced red roses for their décor. Instead, Valentine’s Day invokes images of ravaged Hallmark store shelves and husbands grappling over the last Russell Stover’s box in the Walgreens’ aisle.

It also brings to mind Bridezillas. For whatever reason, more of the Valentine’s brides I’ve worked with have proven more difficult than other brides. I personally think it’s because they feel obligated to decorate with red and pink, two colors that don’t naturally reside well together. But I digress.

In the spirit of Valentine’s Week, I thought I’d put together a little list of traits and quirks that comprise a typical Bridezilla. Feel free to add your own in the comments if you’re also a wedding planner, personally know a Bridezilla, or consider yourself a card-carrying Bridezilla. We’d love your input!

Here we go. You might be a Bridezilla if…

…you get angry because the inspiration wedding on your Pinterest board totals somewhere in the six-figure range, while your budget is in the low four figures.

…you’re so overbearing while picking out the bridal party wardrobe that several attendants mysteriously can’t make it to the wedding.

…you insist that your outdoor wedding remains on hold until the weather clears, even if it means your guests have to wait for hours (or days) and your vendors will be late to other events.

…you e-mail your wedding planner at 6 p.m. on Friday and then again on Saturday wondering if she got your last e-mail “since you haven’t heard back,” following it up with a voicemail on Sunday…and your wedding is more than a year away.

…you set your wedding date three years in the future so you have “plenty of time to get every detail exactly how you want it” (a.k.a. torture your friends, family, and wedding vendors for three years).

…you direct your vendors on how to do their jobs on the wedding day, including posing the family group photos and rearranging the décor before the reception.

These are just a few red flags indicating that you might be a Bridezilla. Yes, I’ve dealt with all of the above, as well as a whole other list that isn’t fit to share due to the profanity, violence, and partial nudity involved. That, my friends, is a post for another day, a day not filled with helium balloons and grocery-store bouquets…everything a couple needs to express their undying love! (I think).

Ok...come on now...let's show Raine how much we heart her :)