a rant against zombies

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Lisa Magoch JohnsonThis week’s guest is writer/blogger Lisa Magoch Johnson. For more about Lisa, click here for her blog.

This morning I read an article about a huge tantrum.  A woman in Prescott, Arizona attacked police officers by punching, scratching, and biting at their ankles. It earned her a mention in the local paper, but didn’t get even a blip of the nationwide coverage of those in Florida who decided they wanted to munch on other people’s faces.  Those people were probably zombies. This woman? Deranged.

Apparently, the deciding factor of who is and isn’t a zombie is based on what you bite.  

Ankles – Deranged or thinks they’re a chihuahua.

Face— Zombie.

Ear – An ex boxer trying to make a comeback.

It’s 2012 and “zombie apocalypse” has joined the list of overused catchphrases.  I hate zombies! There. I said it. Vampires I can deal with. All you have to do with a classic vampire is wait until sunrise, throw holy water on him, stake him through the heart, and set him out in the sunlight for good measure. Unless he’s one of those weirdo vampires, who has discovered glittering Tinkerbell sunblock. 

Werewolves?  Throw him a steak.  Make a bullet out of silver. It depends on if you want to keep him as a pet or not.

Mummy?  Hold your nose and unwrap his bandages.

Meanwhile, zombies. They’re slow,  have no personality, and they stink. You have to wonder why anyone gets killed in a zombie movie.  If everyone armed themselves with baseball bats and walked in a zig zag pattern, the movie would be over within ten minutes.

So, why do we want to assume every drug user who becomes a maniacal biter is a potential zombie?  I have heard of meth users who displayed superhuman strength.  Never once did anyone wonder if we had a potential super hero/villain running around. 

Just because I hate zombies and don’t believe in them, doesn’t mean I’m not ready.  What I have done is to join a medieval reenactment group called the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) .  They are a group of people who wear funny clothes and dance around hitting each other with sticks.  They will tell you they are doing this for sport or educational purposes, but what better way to practice zig zagging and practicing your zombie shot?  You never know. Weirder things have happened.

Thanks Lisa! But just FYI, I love zombies. I mean, not love love, cuz that’s really gross. But I love to hate them, and that’s kinda love, right? I mean, I’ve vowed to only run when chased by zombies, so that gives them a certain kind of importance in my life. But let’s not delve too far into my love life, shall we?

Until the next time…I’ll be having zombie nightmares!

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Posted on June 29, 2012 .