a rant against zombies

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Lisa Magoch JohnsonThis week’s guest is writer/blogger Lisa Magoch Johnson. For more about Lisa, click here for her blog.

This morning I read an article about a huge tantrum.  A woman in Prescott, Arizona attacked police officers by punching, scratching, and biting at their ankles. It earned her a mention in the local paper, but didn’t get even a blip of the nationwide coverage of those in Florida who decided they wanted to munch on other people’s faces.  Those people were probably zombies. This woman? Deranged.

Apparently, the deciding factor of who is and isn’t a zombie is based on what you bite.  

Ankles – Deranged or thinks they’re a chihuahua.

Face— Zombie.

Ear – An ex boxer trying to make a comeback.

It’s 2012 and “zombie apocalypse” has joined the list of overused catchphrases.  I hate zombies! There. I said it. Vampires I can deal with. All you have to do with a classic vampire is wait until sunrise, throw holy water on him, stake him through the heart, and set him out in the sunlight for good measure. Unless he’s one of those weirdo vampires, who has discovered glittering Tinkerbell sunblock. 

Werewolves?  Throw him a steak.  Make a bullet out of silver. It depends on if you want to keep him as a pet or not.

Mummy?  Hold your nose and unwrap his bandages.

Meanwhile, zombies. They’re slow,  have no personality, and they stink. You have to wonder why anyone gets killed in a zombie movie.  If everyone armed themselves with baseball bats and walked in a zig zag pattern, the movie would be over within ten minutes.

So, why do we want to assume every drug user who becomes a maniacal biter is a potential zombie?  I have heard of meth users who displayed superhuman strength.  Never once did anyone wonder if we had a potential super hero/villain running around. 

Just because I hate zombies and don’t believe in them, doesn’t mean I’m not ready.  What I have done is to join a medieval reenactment group called the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) .  They are a group of people who wear funny clothes and dance around hitting each other with sticks.  They will tell you they are doing this for sport or educational purposes, but what better way to practice zig zagging and practicing your zombie shot?  You never know. Weirder things have happened.

Thanks Lisa! But just FYI, I love zombies. I mean, not love love, cuz that’s really gross. But I love to hate them, and that’s kinda love, right? I mean, I’ve vowed to only run when chased by zombies, so that gives them a certain kind of importance in my life. But let’s not delve too far into my love life, shall we?

Until the next time…I’ll be having zombie nightmares!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

cabin goddess with a side of moose

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Kriss MortonTonight’s guest is writer and Cabin Goddess, Kriss Morton. For more about Kriss, please click here for her website.

I have been reading the antics of what I have crowned the Amityville Farm here on Erica’s site with a whole lot of amusement. I have had chickens and goats here at the cabin since moving in so I know part of what she is going and will be going through. I also have pigs that we keep and raise for slaughter but not here at the cabin. For the last few years I haven’t had anything because of the demands of school. The one thing I have had since moving here, is my container garden.

How can you live in Alaska without growing something, even if it is a basic pot full of basil! Each year my wine barrels and various containers yield a bounty of  things like lettuce, tomatoes, sweet peas, various peppers, potatoes, zucchini, tons of edible flowers and a lot of fresh herbs, all but the basil. Basil is a great plant, it is not a hardy plant, you need to grow the seedlings in the pot and baby that plant if you want them to grow into maturity. Once you have a plant to a certain point it grows and grows and as long as you pick the basil you will have enough to keep you smiling and your pad thai singing all summer long. My porch was the perfect place for basil. Not to hot, not to shady just the right amount of shade when needed.

I did not choose to live in a cabin without running water It just happened back in 2005. We have cabin clusters in Fairbanks for many reasons, the main one is it is so expensive to live here and the cost of fuel is astronomical for heating it makes economic sense to not pay 1200 a month for a tiny one bedroom in crack alley. In fact, with the huge population of college students, just I was when my fiance Geoff and I rented the cabin, it was a logical step. In fact there is a badge of honor to say you were a cabin dweller. Most people would have moved by now, but not us we are just to cheap and lazy. Plus we like our cabin it is beautiful despite the fact there is no bathtub or water or indoor plumbing.

I may have to use an outhouse when it is -50 and shower at the laundromat, gym or the student union, but I could have fresh veggies without it costing us an arm and a leg. I had been growing small crops for years and doing container gardening so I was pretty up to speed and here in Alaska I knew I could really have a great thing going and help lower our food bill. The only thing I needed to remember is in Alaska one must always be wary of  placement of crops to minimize the wildlife eating them, mainly moose. Though I still go squee every time I see them I had already experienced them eating all my veggies but the tomatoes and herbs. So I made sure this time I placed the other stuff on the porch.

I was not worried about the herbs but with them being smaller plants and needing more light I had my herb garden anchored to the railing of my small porch. I had all the normal herbs transplanted from seedlings thriving in rectangle flower boxes, except for my lavender and my basil. They were in their own large pots in order to grow huge plus basil is a picky herb to grow. I was not worried about them being moose-safe because how was a moose suppose to get on the porch, right? Five open steep steps up and six down on the other side? Naaaa no worries at all.

Apparently a determined moose won’t let a bunch of steps and dexterity challenges deter him. In fact, if you have big antlers (the moose equivalent of having big cahoonas) you go anywhere you like! You survived the winter without the jackass up the road totaling his car and making you late to hang with the sexy cows and the herd why not treat yourself to some of the fresh food being grown on that unsuspecting hippie princesses front porch! Heck, she even had a HUGE pot of great looking basil, your favorite. The ladies would not be able to resist you! Wow look at those greens… oh and look zucchini, and sweet peas, and pansies, and … nom nom nom insert loud munching sound here and you have what I awoke too one afternoon while napping.

There was this rumbling, the cabin shook and it was getting dark. Oh god was it an earthquake? No wait that sounds like someone eating a salad with their mouth open, What the hell? I slowly got up and went to the window, it was bright and sunny on the side of the cabin. No one was running down the street being chased by a zombie horde. There was no fire off in the distance because the big one hit. The shadow and the noise seemed to be coming from the front porch. Damn it  a dog was out there and into my plants! Stomping over to the door ready to shoo it away with harsh language and possibly a stare down if it was one of those 200 lb tank dogs from up the road, I threw open the door and almost ran into a wall. This was no dog unless someone has been experimenting on campus with animal genetics. It was a wall of brown, a very tall wall covered in brown fur. It was a taller than my door wall of brown, with antlers which from the sound of things apparently to be partaking of a little salad for lunch via my garden. I had a moose and not just any moose but a bull who was over 9 feet tall with the antlers. GREAT there goes my garden, I guess I was wrong about those steps.

I quietly shut the door and swore. Sure the noise had woken me but the half-gallon of ice tea and my bladder were also to blame. I swore and  I paced talking to myself telling myself to be patient I could hold it and the moose would only get one crop it was summer I could grow more. I paced some more called Geoff to tell him and bitch because he would not believe it otherwise. I paced some more, called my mom to tell her the moose was eating my herb garden and chat about the drama at the golf club for an hour. I paced some more squeezing my legs together for another hour.. and moaned and groaned.

Pretty soon the noise stopped but shadow cast through my front door windows showed he was still out there. What was he doing, napping? Didn’t he know I needed to pee? I started yelling at him calling him all sorts of hurtful things. I cast curses in his direction, banging on the door only to have him make this deep chesty huff and shift his weight against the door making it groan. By then I was so desperate I was getting delusional and thought if the moose managed to get on my porch he could breech the door so I stopped. Plus I really needed to pee. You do NOT startle something that can take out an SUV and walk away unscathed. These guys, especially the bull moose, are not very approachable or friendly and even though he would not be able to charge me on the porch, I don’t think I could nudge him to get him off without him taking out the porch or me in the process, so I waited.

Remember how I said I do not have running water? Well we have a sink and under the sink is a bucket for the gray water (the water we do dishes with, wash up with, drain our pasta into and dump by the outhouse in a gray water pit.) When I became more lucid I realized I was going to pee my pants very soon, I have had five kids, the fortitude and staying power on my bladder was not going last much longer. I was giving a whole new meaning to the jazz hand combo pee-pee dance, in fact I am pretty sure I created a bunch of new steps and gestures and a few new swear words too. It was a work of art, but I did not care by three hours into the Great Moose Stand-off of 2005. I grabbed the bucket from under the seat, dumped some laundry soap in (no clue why but it sounded good at the time) using our toilet seat we keep in the house I put it over the bucket and I peed. I peed like a diabetic cat, I peed like a beer guzzling frat boy, oh god I peed and it was great. I was ready for the next three hours of the stand off.

Adjusting my tie dye, wiping the sweat off my brow and with an air of determination I stood up, moved the bucket back under the sink to be dumped when I was finally free to leave my abode and thats when I realized it. The roaring in my head while peeing was not in my head after all it was the noise of the @)$$)@)E moose walking off my porch backwards and moving to the next victims cabin. I grabbed the bucket and stomped out yelling at him expecting to see all my plants decimated to stubs, it had after all been over three hours of never ending munching and napping. But wait, my sweet peas were still climbing their trellis, my peppers still ripening on the vine…. my basil.. WAIT my BASIL the HUGE beautiful babied and nurtured basil was gone. Down to the roots, nothing left in or around that pot but a hoof print in a small pile of spilled dirt. Apparently moose really like basil.

Since then I have grown many a thing, raised many a chicken and survived the moose filled summers without another incident. What I has not happened is growing a potful of basil. I hear whispers from around the neighborhood of other basil eating incidents every summer. I wonder if is the same bull, or one of his calves. They still come to eat my trees and occasionally will sample the lettuce, but no one has ventured on my porch since that fateful day.

We have since gotten a compost/combustible toilet (burns it gone) and so we do not always have to go to the loo in the middle of the night in the middle of winter. I convinced Geoff we needed one after being emotionally and physically decimated from the Great Moose Stand-off of 2005. Maybe I can risk another pot of basil this year, Chicken wire this time? Perhaps surrounding it with my tomato plants? Surely it would be safe to try after seven years…naaa I will just buy it from those that do not have a basil thieving, hostage taking moose living in their neighborhood.

I was not always a writer and a book blogger. While finishing up my English and Journalism degree, I started my blog to talk about living in a dry cabin in Alaska. We had no internet here till late last summer so I did all my blogging via my iPhone, call it my own little social experiment. I had a serious blog that I had created for a class in social media. But what has become Cabin Goddess was a way to chat, show off my photography and stay in touch with friends in the lower 48.  Last summer I started eating better again, things slowed down with school wrapping up and I was able to start making my famous dishes and I blogged about them I became an aspiring foodie blogger. Sometime in the fall and early winter a bunch of aspiring indie authors found me and I discovered the world of book blogging. Today I write daily with my own book project, I post reviews of books I read and I still share my cooking even pairing it with a review for more fun, I still share my antics of cabin dwelling in the Interior of Alaska and share my photography and when I am not doing that I can be found cuddled on the couch with a crochet hood doing my zen crocheting. With a man, a cat, my kindle and a frying pan I always know I will get through the day, even if I cannot use fresh basil in my pasta sauce.

Thanks Kriss! Anyone who can get a moose and the word cahoonas in one post is welcome here any time!

Until the next time…I’ll be cooking up the next adventure at the Amityville farm!

hey, is that a bear under there?

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Leslie PiferTonight’s guest is writer, Leslie Pifer. For more about Leslie, click her picture to visit her website.

Born and raised in the hills of Western PA, I am a bit of a self-proclaimed and proud of it country bumpkin.  As such, I’ve been reading Erica’s country adventures with much amusement.  I told her, she hasn’t seen anything yet!

My parents’ property is 23 acres, the majority of that is woods, so we have had encounters with many a wild animal.  Now THAT is country living!  We’ve had deer walk through the yard from time to time, and well, anytime you went in the woods, you could easily come across a deer or two.  A couple years ago, we saw a freshly born fawn while out on one of our walks, which was pretty cool.  Little thing was still wet from being birthed!  Its Momma was not happy, and was creating a fuss, stomping and snorting, and huffing at us from some unseen location, so we didn’t stay too long or get too close, but even my Dad had never seen such a new fawn, so it was quite an experience for us all,

Of course, we had more than our fair share of squirrels, chippies (er, I mean, chipmunks), raccoons in and out of the yard, stealing from the birdfeeders and whatnot.  Every year, someone sees a couple turkeys, or a flock passing through.  I’m told that just recently they had a few nice big Tom’s in the yard, complete with impressive beards, which would have been neat to see.  I’ve only seen the Tom’s from a distance in the past.  Mom says that she got some good pictures, but has yet to send them our way.

There are coyotes in the woods; my sisters and I have never seen them (Dad has while out hunting) but we have heard them.  The sound of a pack on a chase on a brisk, crisp, clear, cold winter night…is eerie, yes, and mostly indescribable.  When the howling and barking stop, you can assume they have overcome their prey.

These last couple years, we’ve had some of our most exciting, and potentially scary visitors.  We had one or two in the yard when we were teenagers, but not like what has been happening lately.  I’m talking black bears baby! But, this past year and a half, it’s been Black Bear Central at the Pifer house! 

It all started in late November 2010.  It was deer season, and one of my Dad’s buddies was hunting down behind the house when he noticed that a patch of clay, dirt, and leaves had been disturbed around some brush piles, like something had been digging.  Of course, Dan went to check it out.  What did he find?  A black bear had made its den to hibernate for the winter under the brush! Of course, Dan showed Dad, and Dad showed us when we were home for Christmas that year. 

For some reason, despite the fact that I did have a future phone, I never took the time to google it, and did not believe it when I was told that when bears hibernate, they are not out cold like we have been led to believe all of these years.  So, we all trooped down into the woods, to check out Yogi (I know, we have GOT to get better at naming these animals!  Rocco, Turkey Lurkey, and Yogi are just not original!)  We got close to the den, couldn’t see well, just a mound of black fur behind sticks and leaves.  I decided to get closer.  I tiptoed around the side, and squatted down, despite whispers from Mom and Dad to be careful, about 6-8 feet from what must be the front of the den.  I was not worried, because I truly thought bears were practically dead to the world when hibernating.  I can tell you now, they are NOT!

I had my camera out and ready, searching for the best possibly angle.  With the way he was curled up in there, plus the fact that it was dark and hollowed out in the den area, it would have been very tough to get a picture in which you could really tell what you were seeing.  This frustrating process probably only took a few seconds.  Then, without warning, Yogi shifted, and I was staring into his (thankfully) groggy eyes!  If you have never stared into the eyes of a 200-300 pound black bear, I can tell you, while amazing, it is not something I would recommend! 

With what I thought was major grace, courage, and will, I stayed crouched, still and silent for a few seconds, until I was able to focus the shot, take it, and slowly back away.  I’m told it wasn’t all that graceful (I rarely am) or still.  My sisters were amazed I was able to take the picture, or that it turned out as well as it did, as apparently, I was shaking, and more than just a bit!  I did get the picture though, and it was the best shot gotten all winter. 

We did go back to see Yogi again during our break, but it was a warmer day, and we were unable to get close at all.  From across the gully, we could see him sitting up in his den, shaking and shaking, very much like a dog shaking the water off itself.  He knew we were there, and made enough noise, not growling really, but definitely warning sounds to stay away.  We stood across the gully for a couple minutes, just watching in awe, until we decided to let him be for the rest of our stay.  I know my parents checked on him every now and then, and he stayed through the winter, leaving abruptly sometime in March.

He may not have gone far, however.  Last summer, there were probably at least seven, yes SEVEN black bears in the area, all of whom were spotted in my parents’ yard.  We had several visits by lone bears, one of which my sisters and I witnessed while home over the summer.  I also have a very blurry, through the screen door picture of a very large Momma and quite large, likely yearling cub just lounging on their backs out in the middle of the front yard one early summer morning. 

Then, there was Memorial Day weekend bear sighting.  I was actually home, but missed it, as Mom forgot I was there, and didn’t think to wake me up.  Yeah, I’m still a little bitter about this one.  So, it was 4AM, and Mom was up for one of her middle of the night bathroom visits, when she heard something outside the bathroom window.  The windows are open all summer, which is how she heard this funny noise.  She pulled back the blinds on the bathroom window to see two bear cubs maybe two feet away, one actually on the front porch leaning against the railing, the other just off the porch, leaning against the outside railing, each taking turns tipping the hummingbird feeder and slurping the red, sugary contents.  It took two times of my mom yelling at them to get out of there to get them to move.  They took off up over the hill, where their Momma was messing with the compost in the garden.  The three bears took off down another hill (and at this point Mom and Dad are running through the house, watching their shenanigans through various windows…and still forgetting me…) where they were joined by what is assumed to be Momma Bear’s last year’s cub.  It was crazy!

So, the four on Memorial Day Weekend, the big Momma and cub lounging in the front yard, and at least one lone bear makes seven!  But, it could easily be more, as there were quite a few appearances by a solitary bear, and they are somewhat difficult to tell apart when they appear alone, and days or weeks apart, not to mention the fact that they were often seen from behind as they were leaving.  But, yes, THAT is country living!    Of course there are many other stories I could have shared, and I may still write them, but I thought that this story best proved my point; Erica, you haven’t seen anything yet! 

Big thanks to Leslie for sharing her bear with us! I’m sort of looking forward to running into some bears…ok, not running into bears but maybe seeing them from a safe distance. Like the internet! Yeah…I want to see my bears from the safety of the internet. I did see a groundhog the other day. They sort of look like small bears, right?

Oh well. I’m sticking to chickens for now!

Until the next time…I’ll be very careful about peeking under branches from now on!

I spanked my dolls

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Joani PlentyTonight’s guest is writer, Joani Plenty. For more about Joani, click on her photo to visit her website.

I spanked my dolls. Don’t judge me.

Back in the day, when jailbreak meant getting your friends out of an imaginary prison without being tagged; “You’re going down!” wasn’t an ignored sexual-slur from your husband after three beers but a battle cry before a dodge ball game, and being “sick” was a bad thing, parenting methods were a bit different than they are today.

Being an only child had, and will always have, its perks. The television channel, dinner choice and prize at the bottom of the cereal box, were all mine! Mine. Mine. Mine. This simple knifelike word, if used for evil, could make other kids evaporate into thin air. So, of course, I used my powers wisely. For instance, as an only child, using a statement like, “I’m taking my ball and going home!” was like Wonder Woman leaving the Justice League; without her, everyone else is just a bunch of lackadaisical chumps in silly underwear. Hence, I saved that one for when I really needed to go in for the kill.

Being an only child had its bad points too, though:

  • If my friends couldn’t come out to play; I was pretty lonely.
  • I was blamed for everything (for good reason; whatever it was…I did it).
  • There wasn’t anyone to have my back in a fight after I ran my mouth recklessly on the school bus.

An only-child’s imagination is like a sixth sense. I’m a Pisces and an only child. This caused the creative snow globe that sat atop my shoulders to be constantly worked; lie after…I mean story after story. I would tell people that I had a sister named Stacy but no one ever saw her because she was traveling with gypsies; performing disco songs. Well, except Tuesdays and Thursdays when she was teaching Linda Carter self-defense.

I grew up in the late 70s and 80s but, because I was raised by my Grandmother, I was two decades behind all of my friends. I remember, like it was yesterday, when I was in the 3rd grade and my friends came over to listen to music for the first time. I looked like a complete freakazoid when I eagerly pulled out my chunky, rectangular, Frank Sinatra and Johnny Mathis 8-tracks. The money stolen from my Grandmother’s purse to buy new friends and regain my “street cred” could have bought me, and all of my dolls, like twenty boxes of sugary-sour ‘Lemon Heads’.

I shared everything with my dolls. They were my sisters. Especially “Nancy”. She was my favorite. “Nancy” was everything that I wasn’t because, again, reality was stupid and something only rich kids and pessimists had to endure. She had long blonde hair (until I cut it all off after watching ‘Mommy Dearest’), a confused and aloof look on her face due to my Grandmother’s Southern Comfort that I used to pour into her sippy cup and was as tall as I me.

Yup! We were pretty tight. When I would have a fight with my best friend, Dana (who was also an only child so there was a very thin line between love and hate), and needed to replace her for a few days, Nancy’s hand was always the first to go up. I took her everywhere that I went. This drove my Grandmother crazy because she was too cool for such nonsense. Her children didn’t even call her “mom” but by her first name, instead. It was definitely a cramp in Grandmom’s style having me, and a life-sized doll with a buzz cut, shoved into the barely-there backseat of her brown corvette.

The problem with Nancy was that she was a little too flippant for her own good. This, along with my low tolerance for bullshit, meant that I had to, sometimes, “lay the smack down”. One day, needing a break from deep thought over how I was going to earn enough money to beat my Frogger high score at the arcade, I decided to take Nancy for a ride in Grandmom’s corvette. I waited until I heard my Grandmother laughing loudly while watching “Blondie” or some other not-so-funny-yet-you-can’t-look-away black and white show on television. I quietly reached for her car key. You couldn’t miss it; it was the one on the big yardstick-looking keychain that said, “Stitch & Bitch”. I grabbed Nancy by her ankle (the rest of her body was under my bed…what was I supposed to do? I was in a hurry. This was no time to play effin “Hide & Seek”). I quietly shut the front door and headed for what was now, in my head, my “K.I.T.T” (Knight Industries Two Thousand); my sports car of the future. Pffftttt. Who wishes she didn’t argue with me over whether or not Bo Duke was hotter than Luke Duke now, Dana?!

I put my new BFF, Nancy, into the passenger seat and went around to become one with “K.I.T.T” in the driver’s seat. I placed the key into the ignition and fiddled around with the buttons. Pressing, twisting and pulling everything that shined. I didn’t care which buttons were which because “K.I.T.T” does all of the driving anyway. Just then, I felt a sinking flutter in my belly.

“Were we always this far from the curb?” I thought. “Grandmom needs to work on her parking skills.”

*BEEP*

My heart jumped. I was scared shitless. Well, more like shitFULL. My neighbor laying her heavy, wrinkled, gaudy-ringed hands onto the horn of her car, was a newly discovered, natural, laxative. To make matters worse, I looked over at Nancy who was slouched in the passenger seat on her way to the floor smiling at me. I was furious! I didn’t see the humor in our near death experience, the fact that “K.I.T.T” malfunctioned, or that the only reason my Grandmother wasn’t outside beating me with my own plastic “Jelly” belt was because she was searching high and low for my “Jelly” shoe, instead.

“Are you laughing at me, Nancy?” I asked. “Wha…what did you say? Oooooh, you want to talk back!”

I flew the car door open and headed over to the passenger side of the “Vette”; but not before it whipped back at me and knocked my frail, thin body onto the ground. Sometimes I don’t know my own super-strength. I yanked Nancy out of the car, took off my “Jelly” belt, pulled down her pants and proceeded to whop her plastic, peach-crayon colored backside rapidly. It hurt me more than it hurt her, I’m sure.

Just then, like a ninja, my Grandmother appeared behind me.

“If you don’t get your ass and that bald-headed doll into the house right now, I’m going to show you how it’s really done.” she said, through a closed mouth and gritted teeth, like the worlds best ventriloquist.

By now I was crying hysterically (because that’s how only-children cry), thinking of a master plan to remove my Grandmother from the planet and no longer calling “Nancy” my BFF. “Maybe Dana wants to come over.” I thought. “Eric Estrada is hotter than both Bo and Luke. #truestory

Thank you Joani! I think I’ve discovered a little more than I wanted to know about your kinky tendencies…doll spanking of all things. ;) Ok, so maybe I spanked a few dolls in my day. But it’s not like they didn’t deserve it!

Until the next time…I’ll be digging out a few dolls, just for old time sake.

 

a mouse in the house

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Ciara BallintyneTonight’s guest is writer, Ciara Ballintyne. For more about Ciara, click on her photo to visit her website.

Mum has a wicked sense of humour. Dad maintains that’s not true – she just enjoys laughing at other people’s misfortune. If you actually look up ‘wicked’ in the dictionary you get five definitions. These two seemed relevant:

Evil by nature and in practice; or

Playfully malicious or mischievous:

So, Dad, any new thoughts on Mum’s sense of humour?

Despite having a wicked sense of humour, Mum has a soft spot for soft and furry creatures. Especially cats. And even mice her cats bring home.

So Mum’s cat, Mandu (ha ha) is out the back, tossing something 4 or 5 feet up in the air, catching it and then doing it again.

‘Oh, she’s got a mouse! Go rescue it.’

‘Why me?’

‘I’m not touching the mouse.’

So I go out to rescue the mouse. OK, OK, you got me, I felt sorry for it too. Don’t spread it around, all right. You’ll ruin my rep.

Cats don’t like it much when you take away their playthings and the playthings generally don’t appreciate you’re trying to rescue them. So while trying to separate the cat from the mouse, the mouse did a runner. Mice move fast, and you need to think fast to stay ahead of them, and maybe I didn’t do the thinking part so well, but I damn sure managed to stay in front of that mouse.

I put my foot in front of it, you see.

The leg of my pants fell over the mouse.

The mouse ran up my pants.

Yeah, like I said, not so much on the thinking….

The good news was the mouse ran up the inside seam of my pants and not my leg. The bad news was Mum stood inside doubled over with laughter shrieking ‘take your pants off where all the neighbours can see!’ and there was no one else home to help me.

I got the mouse out without needing to strip off in the backyard. I don’t recall what happened to it. I expect I didn’t care. The cat could have run off with the damn thing with my blessing.

But I did learn to be cautious of any requests from my Mum. Even if she wasn’t trying to suck me into anything, I sure knew she wouldn’t help me out if I got into trouble trying to help her out.

Hasn’t got a wicked sense of humour… my arse!

Thanks to Ciara for being a guest again this week. I think she and I have similar moms. I’m pretty sure mine would have gotten a huge kick out of seeing me shriek with a mouse in my pants. I’ll be sure to avoid that just in case.

Until the next time…I’ll be watching for mice in the yard!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

ageing isn't for sissies

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

 

Toby NealTonight’s guest is writer Toby Neal, author of Blood Orchids. For more about Toby, click on her photo to visit her website.

Ageing isn’t for sissies.

Yeah, I know. Not an original thought. Yet I find that, like death and taxes, it’s a shock that it’s happening to all of us, all the time, as we read this—but only if we’re lucky enough.

Some people, with fabulous genes and tons of money, can cheat it for awhile… but ageing, for women, is a real bitch.

Hell, male ageing is a mean bastard too.

Somehow I didn’t think it would happen to me, and I know The Hubby didn’t think it would happen to him—and the shocker is, if the TV ads and changing media themes are anything to go by, we’re just statistics in a huge population bulge, all of us horrified and angry about the onset of these indignities.

Let me list some:

  • ·         Having recently had a close encounter (very close, mind you) with a Mammogram machine, I’m in a position to tell you it was designed by a man. No woman would leave corners on something like a giant, freezing waffle iron that squishes your tit and then say, “Don’t breathe for at least a minute while we get this image” while dragging your boob around like it’s a piece of Silly Putty.
  • ·         The phrase “just relax” as applied to a rectal exam is not really helpful.
  • ·         The hot flashes of menopause in women often coincide with the onset of Viagra in men (but only if you’ve managed to stay married that long.)
  • ·         Arthritis hurts and get this—there’s no cure. I know, shocking right? Just get used to being in pain and creaking around until it’s so bad you have to have a giant joint replacement operation that may or may not work. The alternative? Not having the operation and getting more and more crippled and in pain. But hey, you won’t die from it. That’s the good news.
  • ·         Skin is highly underappreciated until it all begins heading south and erupting in cancer as a result of all that frolicking you did in the ocean when you were young and thought you’d live forever.
  • ·         Wrinkles as the result of smiling most of your life end up making you look grumpy. I find this particularly ironic as I contemplate the deep hooked lines beside my mouth. Yep, I got those sad hound-dog grooves  from SMILING.
  • ·         Hair—where do I begin? For women, the debate of dyeing vs. not dyeing. For men, the manscaping of areas that should NEVER have hair growing out of them while Rogaine-ing areas that SHOULD have hair.
  • ·         Tight waistbands- apparently as you age, you have to eat less and work out more to stay the same. How fair is that, I ask you?

All these things combine to make me even more committed to escaping into writing crime/suspense romances where the protagonists are young and fit, the sex is hot, and the fights don’t pull any punches for potbellies.

***

Check out my fast-paced crime novel Blood Orchids—it’s FREE April 28 and 29!

http://www.amazon.com/Blood-Orchids-Lei-Crime-ebook/dp/B006FBDHG2/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322808926&sr=1-3

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/blood-orchids-toby-neal/1107759000?ean=2940013517806

also, my website!
http://www.tobyneal.net/

About Toby Neal:

Toby Neal was raised on Kauai in Hawaii. She wrote and illustrated her first story at age 5 and has been published in magazines and won several writing contests. After initially majoring in Journalism, she eventually settled on mental health as a career and loves her work, saying, “I’m endlessly fascinated with people’s stories.”

She enjoys many outdoor sports including bodyboarding, scuba diving, beach walking, gardening and hiking. She lives in Hawaii with her family and dogs.

Toby credits her counseling background in adding depth to her characters–from the villains to Lei Texeira, the courageous and vulnerable heroine in the Lei Crime Series.

Thanks to Toby for another fantastic guest post. I’ll be back tomorrow night with more of my usual…errrr…crap from down here on the farm.

Until the next time…I’ll be making an appointment to have my roots touched up!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

building a bathtub

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight.

Christina EsdonTonight’s guest is writer, Christina Esdon. For more about Christina, visit her blog here.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale

Of a complete bathroom re-do

That started with excitement and hope

In a home that was not new

The contractor was an arthritic man

The electrician was a useless hack.

The team started in mid-December

For three weeks max, three weeks MAX!

Three weeks passed and there was something askew

The bathtub? There was none.

If not for the slow construction crew

The bathroom would be done. The bathroom would be done.

So this is the tale of the dream bathroom

That took a long, long time.

I had to make the best of things,

By singing this silly rhyme.

Ahoy! And welcome to my (almost complete) bathroom! ‘Tis I, Christina Esdon, your Captain speaking to you direct from my bathtub! Don’t worry, I’m clothed. I always make sure I am in appropriate bathing attire when I am expecting company. Especially when invited to guest post on Erica’s blog!

As my Gilligan’s Island-inspired prose suggests above I recently had my bathroom renovated. I was initially told it would take three weeks. Happy that this renovation wouldn’t interrupt my life too much I shook the hand of my newly-hired contractor and excitedly browsed home renovation stores for tile, taps and tubs.

Once the crew got started, I quickly realized this wasn’t going to just take ‘three weeks’. One day, months after said deadline had passed I mentioned to my contractor that I was still showering at the gym, to which he responded, “oh right. You don’t have a shower or a bath here, do you?”.

Seriously???

Does he not know the type of pathogens I could have been exposed to showering in a women’s changeroom? Not to mention the dance I had to do to keep my towel on and get changed without scarring the other women in the changeroom for life? I don’t feel comfortable carrying on with my normal shower routine in public. I mean who wants to see me sing and dance around while I’m streaking? You all do that in the privacy of your own homes too, admit it.

About six weeks into the renovation I was feeling angry and really impatient. I have since learned that this is not a good combination of emotions to harbour as it led to stripping the wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom. When the haze of rage lifted I realized I now had two bathrooms under renovation.

Then the Snowball of Expensive Justifications started to roll: Well the paint colour I like won’t match the floor, so I guess I should just rip up the floor and put down new tile. That old linoleum floor was old anyway. And if I’m getting a new floor, might as well put in a new vanity. I mean, it’s the best time to do it, right? And I’d get a new tap, of course. Since everything else was new, I just HAD to buy a new mirror, which ended up being too tall, but I liked it so much I called in the electrician to raise the light fixture.

The realization that I had taken on too much occurred about eight weeks into the reno. I was left in my house for the weekend - toiletless. That’s right, between the upstairs bathroom demolition and the ‘surprise downstairs bathroom renovation’ there was about four days when I was without a toilet. No toilet. No shower. No bubble baths with lavender. But most importantly, no toilet. So I did what every self-respecting woman would do in this situation: I packed my bags and left. There was no way I was considering ‘toilet alternatives’ just to stay in my house. I considered staying at a hotel, but I had somewhere else to stay and really, by this point my accommodation standards were pretty low.

“Do your hotel rooms include a toilet?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll take it.”

It is usually at this stage of stress and frustration that I would long for a hot, steamy, bubble bath. Put on some good tunes, pour a glass of wine, open a good book and forget about all of the day’s stress. However, I would think about having a bath and was reminded that I don’t have one, which further contributed to my stress.

Plaster covered every inch of the house. My gleaming, original, 75-year old wood staircase was taking a beating by the work boots stomping up and down on them day after day. My house was a wreck. So was I.

A couple of weeks ago I came home and found the plumber had (finally) showed up and installed everything. My tub. My shower. The vanity. The toilet. I rubbed my eyes and checked again. Then I pinched myself. Then I screamed with joy. Then I cried with relief. Then I did what I wanted to do for 3 months: I ran a bath - with bubbles!

Since then my bathtub and I have become inseparable. I still go to my day job, but as soon as possible, I run home to my bathtub, grab a book and settle in to utter bliss.

I am in Bathroom Heaven.

All is well.

Until I receive the bill from my contractor.

Here are some renovation pictures of my bathroom:

Christina Esdon is a contemporary romance author currently working on her first novel…in her new bathtub. She has also been known to tweet from the tub using the hashtag #tubtweets and #TubReads. Sometimes she also blogs in the bathtub here: http://authorchristinaesdon.blogspot.ca/

Until the next time…I’ll be jealously drooling over Christina’s bathtub images.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

all writerly days start out as winners

Welcome to the Weekly Guest SpotlighJulie Butcher

Tonight’s guest is writer Julie Butcher. For more about Julie, click her picture to visit her website.

My Writer Day

This one had gone extremely well. By ten o’clock I’d wound my way through a maze of plot pot-holes, figured out a major motivation for the bad guy and added eight thousand words to the manuscript. This much success, that early, should have been a dead give-a-way. *Back to the manuscript.*

By eleven o’clock, my youngest son emailed that his Mp3 had been taken away at school, could I please come pick it up and pay the ten dollar fine? Of course, that wouldn’t be until later, so I was good. *Back to the manuscript.*

At noon, my youngest daughter called to ask if I was picking her and my seven-year-old nephew up from school since it was an early release day. HOLY CRAPOLA! Evidently I didn’t know what day it was. I was still the hubby’s boxers and wife-beater undershirt (It was hot, okay?) I grabbed the first things to come to hand, gave up on finding two shoes and hot-footed it to the car.

I swear to God I didn’t know I’d put on green pants, a grey tank and a blue/black/purple tank at the same time. I did, however, notice I was barefooted. I also might have forgotten big hair wasn’t in and was half-way to the school before I remembered I didn’t have a hair brush.

This was not funny guys. I had to WALK INTO THE SCHOOL to retrieve the children. It was however very entertaining to the ladies in the office, and the assorted people in the parking lot. When I dropped my nephew at Grandma’s house, my mom came out to the car, shook her head, and turned around.

I heard her laughing all the way down the block. *Back to the manuscript* Twenty words later, the phone rings and it’s the Dear Husband needing banking information off the internet. *Back to the Manuscript.* College Daughter calls to fill me in on all things Sorority. *Back to the manuscript* I swear to God I had THREE WORDS written when the High School Son gets home and bounds into my Writer Clubhouse.

Still in the clown outfit of doom, I go into the high school, retrieve the Mp3 player and another daughter. *Back to the manuscript.* I hadn’t even opened the document when my mom showed up. The awesome outfit of color fit right in at Wal-Mart (I’d brushed my hair by now) and TV antennas were purchased and installed in Mom’s new house.

Three hours later I’m home, still in clown clothes, and I remember this post.

*Back to the manuscript.*

 

A huge thanks to Julie for pulling this guest post off in less than a day. She’s my new best friend! As for me, I wish I was getting back to the manuscript. Instead, I’m still moving. Gah! Will it never end?

Until the next time…I’ll be drinking wine (for medicinal purposes, of course.)

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

let's talk about sex...shall we?

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight 

DC McMillenTonight’s guest is writer, DC McMillen, author of the newly released novella, The Rusty Nail. For more about DC, click to visit her website.

In honor of DC’s book release, we’re doing something a little different tonight. DC has agreed to write a bit of frisky flash fiction for our reading pleasure. So, as they say, let’s get on with it…(or was that, let’s get it on? I always get those two mixed up.)

 

“Ball gag?”

“Check.”

“Furry hand cuffs?”

“Check”

“Silk ties”

“Check. But do we have to use my good ties?”

“Oh, so you want to wrap my wrists in cheap polyester?”

“No, Honey, you’re right.”

“Feathers? Candles?”

“Check, check.”

“Excellent. Now we need a safe word.”

“How about stop?”

“Nobody uses stop, John.”

“Okay, Banana.”

“Everyone uses banana.”

“Pineapple?”

“That’s stupid.”

“Mango?”

“Jesus, John. No fruit!”

“Mesopotamia!”

“No.”

“Curmudgeon?”

“Cur-what?”

“Michael Baldwin.”

“Just one word, John. One fucking word.”

“Tomato.”

“A tomato is a fruit.”

“It’s not a vegetable?”

“Nope, it’s a fruit. And a peanut is actually a legume.”

“Interesting. Did you know honey never spoils?”

“Perfect! Our safe word is honey.”

“That won’t work. I call you honey all the time.”

“But I don’t call you honey and I’m the one using the safe word.”

“What do you mean? Won’t I be the submissive?”

“Why would you think that? I am obviously the submissive here.”

“Whatever you want honey, you’re in control.”

“Peanut. The safe word is peanut.”

“Or peanut butter.”

“We do love peanut butter.”

“Especially with honey.”

“Yeah, peanut butter and honey sandwiches are the best.”

“You know, I’m a little hungry.

“Okay, let’s break for lunch.”

~
Thank you for reading my 200 word flash fiction piece. If you are interested in reading more of my work, I recently released an erotic novella called The Rusty Nail. Here is the blurb:

Despite the dim lighting in his rundown bar, Randall sees the seemingly random lives of his customers intersect in the most unusual ways. Why, in just a single day, he eavesdrops on a gay man flirting with his straight boyfriend, spies a Stepford style wife slip into the shadows of a cracked leather booth to join an Italian bombshell wearing a trench coat, stilettos and not much else, and demands a lunatic in search of chocolate milk to vacate his establishment, all the while hoping his slick and skuzzy landlord doesn’t show up to collect back rent.

What Randall doesn’t realize is that, other than their questionable taste in watering holes, these patrons all have something in common. Each one of them will experience a unique sexual encounter that will awaken, enlighten, or perhaps even devastate their lives.

You can purchase a copy of The Rusty Nail here.

 

Until the next time…I’ll be (sigh) packing!

life in the fish bowl

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Michael DeanTonight’s guest is Michael Dean. Although, he’s not a writer per se…he does have a blog of his own…and he has his very own special brand of insight. He’s my husband. For more about Michael, click his picture to visit his blog.

It’s not easy being married to a writer. Especially one with some degree of public notoriety, and who occasionally likes to tell all.

You know Erica’s antics and the things she writes about. I’m unfortunately going to divulge that they are all true. I don’t always read her blogs. Mostly I’m afraid to know exactly what the world knows. What I do read is sometimes a little close to home, and I’m certain I wouldn’t have painted such a vivid picture of our lives.

I’m a private person.

I suppose you could say my role in the fish bowl is that of the sucker fish. I lurk in the background and corners of the tank, doing my duty, not really asking for much attention. I don’t have flashy colors. I don’t do tricks or chase the other fish, or make bubbles (unless we’ve had Mexican food). And I definitely don’t order food in the drive-thru…using a fake accent…and asking for my food to go! (And yes…she really did that once.)

I do get annoyed sometimes when folks come along and tap on the glass…it sounds like baseball bats on trash can lids to me.

Erica doesn’t seem to mind the crowd standing outside the glass. And I guess that’s good for someone trying to make a living in the public eye. Sure, Erica is interesting, and creative, and a walking encyclopedia of useless trivia, and sometimes a bit flighty even if she’s always funny…even a bit odd sometimes. She’s also a fiercely protective mother and leader of her family when needed. It doesn’t seem to matter that she didn’t give birth to, or even meet the rest of us until not so many years ago…all factors that made me love her. I had no choice.

So, in the end, I guess it’s not that hard after all having Erica for a wife. I do get to meet a lot of interesting people (vicariously) and discover their angles on life.

Besides, I suppose it’s not always easy being married to me.

I told Erica, not so long ago, if it weren’t for the simple fact that she lives in different world than most people, she’d have gotten rid of me a long time ago. She hasn’t noticed many of my flaws…yet…and the ones she has noticed, she just labels them as quirks.

Like the time I paid a LOT of money for a domain name I thought would be a good investment…but it wasn’t. Or the time I insisted on buying a piece of land in North Carolina that we didn’t do a thing with…but I still might someday. And then there was the time I had the idea I could build a shed in the back yard cheaper than what Home Depot could sell me a kit for…and make it better.

I ended up spending four-times as much on the materials, with the end product being a tornado-rated structure. But I’ll bet a lot of people build a $8000, 12ftx 12ft military bunker-style shed in the back yard…sure they do!

Afterall, when your wife has Salem witches in her lineage, you don’t want any loose houses flying around.

That just goes to show how she puts up with my antics just as much as I put up with hers. I guess you could say we have an interesting life. Sometimes I have to meditate on a saying of Helen Keller’s to help get me through.

“Life is a grand adventure, or it is nothing.”

I’m sure I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the pict…errr…the idea.

Until the next time…I’ll be tapping on the glass.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

to erica with love

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

 

Laura M. KolarTonight’s guest is writer, Laura M. Kolar. For more about Laura, click here to visit her website.

 

I have no idea how to start this blog post out so I;m just typing until the ideas start to flow. Erica asked me to be her guest blogger and now I’m a little freeked out since I only post on my own blog about once a month and I never feel like I have anything that great to say.  But here I am typing away because that’s what you do, right?  You type until the ideas come and when they do you can’t stop typing then suddenly something hits you and now you couldn’t stop typing even if your house was burning down around you because if you stop you’ll loose your train of thought and losing your house pales in comparison to losing your thoughts.

Yes, the paragraph above is awful.  It has typos and misspelled words and run on sentences.  It’s the makings of an editor’s nightmare, or in my case, the beginning of an adventure.

After six months of being part of a critique group Erica started, I finally got around to reading To Katie with Love.  Now I’m going to admit something here that she doesn’t know.  I’d actually tried reading Katie several times before, but could never get past chapter one. *ducts and waits for Erica to throw things at me*  Unfortunately, the poor lonely girl in the bar never drew me into the story, but I promised Erica I’d read it.  So I started reading at chapter two, and by chapter three I was hooked.

I don’t know if it was fate, but I ended up having to take two weeks off work immediately following my reading of Katie and I can honestly say I spent more hours ‘working’ those two weeks than I do in two weeks at my day job.  I can also say I enjoyed it immeasurably more.  Delving into Katie’s world has been an experience I will always remember.  In fact, I would have to say it’s been life changing.  (I want to say it’s been ‘earth shattering’, but I’m afraid only Erica would get that.)

When I first emailed her with my comments I gave Erica the same disclaimer I’d given the other ladies I’d done critiques for.  Basically, I was willing to offer my help, but ultimately this was her story and she will always know these characters better than anyone else.  My job as a critique partner is not to rewrite the story in my words, but to offer suggestions to make her story better.

And so it began.

With the insight from another one of Erica’s readers/editors, Kelly Gamble, Erica and I started what can only be called a major overhaul of an already great story.  And the first thing that had to go…chapter one.

Ok, so maybe she didn’t dump chapter one, but it’s unrecognizable from what it was before.  Yes, still the same poor girl in the bar, but now that girl is like a new best friend.  Over the two weeks spent editing, Katie was the last person I talked to at night and the first person I talked to in the morning, other than my husband of course.  Actually, if I’m being completely honest, the person I went to bed thinking of was Katie’s love interest, Cooper Maxwell.  But only because Erica kept sending me pictures and interviews of the man she imagines him to be.  And to say her imagination is vivid would be an understatement, more like scintillatingly luminescent.

At any rate, my new best friend made me laugh so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks.  When her heart raced, so did mine.  And when she was acting like a complete fool I wanted to scream at her and tell her to straighten up.  But that’s the way a story is supposed to make you feel.  You are supposed to have a vested interest in what happens to the characters.  If you didn’t, the book wouldn’t be worth reading.

So what exactly did I do?  Well, aside from correcting the occasional period instead of a comma at the end of a quote (I’m being kind here, there were lots of those.), I helped find the slow spots of the story, or the lines that didn’t flow and things that didn’t match up with what she’d said in another section.  I made her take out absolutely ridiculous phrases, because nobody says ‘making love’ anymore, Erica.  And I made her take out words that suddenly just appeared.

I also tried to give her encouragement by telling her which parts I loved or thought were funny and insisted she keep.  Believe me when I tell you I will never look at a white orchid the same way again.  Mostly though, I think I was just there.  There for her to call or text when something wasn’t working out or to bounce ideas off of to see if it fit the rest of the story.  (It’s a good thing I have free long distance and unlimited texting.  It’s also a good thing she didn’t mind me eating on the phone.)  But like I said, she’d already written a great story.  And when the last red pen correction is made, I hope what I suggested, if even in a small way, makes the story better.

If you had a chance to read the excerpt of To Katie with Love when Erica had it up on her site, then you should feel very lucky.  Because one day, when Katie is a New York Times Bestseller and a major motion picture, you’ll be able to say you were one of the first to read this fabulous love story.  I know I feel lucky, but then again, I got to go to bed dreaming of Cooper Maxwell.

 

Thank you so much to Laura…not just for this wonderful post…but for pulling me through this editing process and never once letting me give up or cry. Katie and I will never be able to thank you enough!

Until the next time…I’ll be dreaming of Cooper too!

inappropriate humor

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Amberr MeadowsTonight’s guest is writer/blogger Amberr Meadows. For more about Amberr, click on her photo to visit her website and her fabulous travel blog.

I quit smoking five days ago, and I am finally beginning to see the humorous side of things. The way I’ve carried on and moped about my house, isolated from the outside world, made me feel like I was some sort of hardcore recovering junkie.  I’m on Day 5, no smokes, and when I think about the way I’ve felt and acted recently, I can’t help but to laugh. No, I don’t think addiction is funny shit, per say, but I do think the way I’ve carried on is kind of funny.

Maybe it’s a coping mechanism or a comfort measure? Some people turn to shopping or gambling or Jesus for comfort; I tend to default to bizarre humor. I’m just quirky that way and always have been. Even during funerals of people I loved, I found something hilarious. Like the time when prim and proper Aunt Benni came strolling out of the restroom with her dress AND a piece of toilet paper tucked into her pantyhose, looking painfully solemn, walking into the chapel with that crazy TP tail trailing behind her.

 It was totally inappropriate to laugh, of course, but as I regarded her and the weepy faces around me, something broke like a dam within me. I had to bend my head in mock-prayer, bite the insides of my cheeks, and hope nobody noticed my shoulders shaking in laughter. I laughed until the tears poured, which worked as a great cover-up. After that, I was mostly okay about the whole death thing. I’d still have sad moments, but I could, and did, move on.  

Just like early today. Admittedly, all “Haha” aside, the first few days of the no-smoking deal has, no doubt, been the roughest thing to go through aside from losing a loved one. I know, I’m terrible to even think those things compare, but when you’re giving up a longtime habit, whether it is food, gambling, chocolate, or like me—cigarettes,  it’s like parting with an old friend. If you’ve been there, you know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, don’t judge.

I’d been in mourning along with withdrawals the past few days, but I’ve lived through it, sharing my progress with everyone I come into contact to, on my blog, and all over social media. Each day I’ve posted on my Facebook wall “Day, fill-in-the-blank, no cigs, going strong…” and when I did it for today, it suddenly seemed hilarious. I felt almost like an alcoholic in an AA meeting, only my status updates have been my version of the Serenity Prayer.

I even went so far as to imagine myself collecting my 90-day sober chip, while tearfully telling some horrible story of something bad I did while smoking cigarettes—nothing major, I can recall in reality, but it was a funny thought—and how I’d ultimately prevailed. Then, thanking God and my family for support, I’d hold my chip triumphantly in the air while everyone clapped wildly. Yeah, not funny stuff to the average bear, but it amused the hell out of me.

You know, the mind is a funny monkey sometimes, and even if the way I handle things is ultimately considered bizarre, it’s really just the way I am. Nor do I think I’d have it any other way.

 

Best of luck to Amberr on her quest to kick the habit! I might just have to follow suit and give up those cookies once and for all!

Until the next time…I’ll be craving Thin Mints.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

nurses rock!

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Barbara MackTonight’s guest is writer Barbara Mack. For more about Barbara, click on her photo to visit her website.

I’m sure this comes as a total shock to everyone who knows me, but… I talk a lot. I’ve always been gregarious. As a child, I talked so much that my grandfather would sometimes turn his hearing aid off when I visited. Through my unending chatter, I earned the nickname Barbara Big Mouth from my siblings.

Even when I want to keep my mouth shut, sometimes comments bypass my brain entirely and pop out of their own volition. (Usually at the most inconvenient time imaginable.) I’m not as bad as I used to be (I used to think tact was something you stuck in the wall with your thumb), but I’m never going to sing you pretty little lies.

This isn’t always a bad thing. Or perhaps it would be more correct to say that occasionally it’s been to my benefit.

I was going to nursing school, and we were doing our rotation through obstetrics. You would think that everyone – as I was – would be all warm and fuzzy around the newborn babies and their parents. I’m sorry to report that it wasn’t so. One of my fellow students – who I affectionately called Nurse Ratchett – was constantly trying to force people to see things her way.

A young Vietnamese couple had asked my permission earlier to put a rock that her mother had sent them from Vietnam in the baby’s bassinet. It was a clean rock (they’d even soaked it in alcohol to sterilize it), so I said it was fine. They wrapped it in a blanket and put it at the baby’s feet.  I went on my merry way, because I was busy. You do a lot of work as a nursing student. You’re basically unpaid help.

Enter Nurse Ratchett.

About 10 minutes later, I hear a commotion from their room, and every baby on the floor began to wake up and cry.  Nurse Ratchett had decreed that they couldn’t have their ‘filthy rock’ in the bassinet. I grab a passing surgical student who’s a friend of mine who agrees to put the rock through the autoclave, which is the method used to sterilize instruments for surgery. Problem solved.

Au contraire.

Nurse Ratchett takes the rock away again. I give it back. She takes it away. I give it back.

The entire obstetrics floor is in an uproar. I grab a passing nurse, and ask her please, please to make Nurse Ratchett give the effing rock back before I put HER through the autoclave. And yes, I used those exact words, including my own special little nickname for her.

The nurse raises her eyebrows at me, and I begin to think my mouth has once again made trouble for me. Instead, she gives back the rock to the young couple with some soothing words, exchanges biting words with Ratchett, and all is serene once again.

Two weeks later, I’m on break from my classes and I get a phone call at home. I’m offered a job on that same obstetrics floor. I ask in some puzzlement why I’m being offered the job out of all the other students, and the woman from human resources laughed and said that she was instructed to tell me it was because the nursing supervisor loved a smartass woman with good sense.

The passing nurse I had demanded help from was the nursing supervisor, who was working because they were understaffed and over capacity. She’d been going down the hall to see who was causing all the uproar when I grabbed her.

And that, dears, is how I got a job because of a rock.

And because I have a big mouth, of course.

 

Oh, we’re so glad you have a big mouth Barbara! It was a great post!! And for anyone who doesn’t know Barbara, please click on her picture for her website. She has the very best breadmaking book ever! And I do mean EVER!

Until the next time…I’ll be Daywalking!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

I groped a girl and I liked it

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight

Raine ThomasTonight’s guest is writer Raine Thomas. For more about Raine, click on her photo to visit her website.

Did I ever mention the time I felt another girl up?  I didn’t?

*glances around* 

Well, we’re all friends here. Allow me to set the stage… 

New Orleans, early February. The height of Mardi Gras. Me, a just-turned twenty-four-year-old from the small town of Fairburn, Georgia. 

I was a last-minute tagalong with a co-worker who had met a group of people in an online chat-room. One of the primary members of the chat-room was a gal named Carly. Carly lived in a one-bedroom, one-bath apartment in New Orleans and had invited a select few to come and stay with her during Mardi Gras, my co-worker included. 

Not wanting to meet a group of strangers by herself, my co-worker asked me to go with her. To this day, I don’t know what possessed me to say yes. Mardi Gras to me was a hot-bed of sin and partying. At that point in my rather sheltered life, “partying” meant sharing an entire pitcher of frozen margaritas at the local Mexican joint with friends.

Yet I found myself packing my suitcase for four days of frivolity with my co-worker and the Select Few. We took my friend’s car and, six hours later, arrived at Carly’s apartment. Though my social anxiety was at its height, in we went. I vaguely remember making my grand entrance by tripping over the threshold, but that was promptly overshadowed by the realization of just how many people there were in that little apartment.

All eyes turned to us. I began counting. By the time I got to ten, I gave up. I realized that this had all the makings of one of those “orgy” things I had read about, and began to wonder how pissed off my co-worker would be if I grabbed her car keys and headed back home. 

Then one of the guys in the group approached and introduced himself. My brain grew a little fuzzy when I realized how attractive he was, but I somehow stammered out a reply. I found out he was Canadian and had also come at the last minute with his cousin. He helped me set up a pillow and blanket on the floor right beside his, gentleman that he was. 

If you’re ever wondering, you can fit exactly six adults on the dining room floor of your basic one-bedroom apartment.

Just as it’s nearing my normal bedtime, everyone prepares to head downtown to Bourbon Street. I gamely offer to be the DD, not considering that I will be responsible for driving an unfamiliar vehicle through a foreign city, guided by a plastered hostess with less sense of where we are than I have. But everyone’s thrilled with my offer and we head off in Carly’s pickup truck.

Bourbon Street is…well, if you haven’t experienced Mardi Gras before, let me just tell you to wear shoes you don’t ever desire to wear again. In fact, buy and wear a different pair every single night. You will thank me for this. 

Anyhow, we all held hands to avoid getting mauled by the masses. I was pleasantly surprised when Canadian guy offered to steer me through the crowd (did I mention he was hot?). We made steady progress, so when we came to a sudden stop in the middle of Bourbon Street, I wondered why.

I soon found out. Having indulged in several yards filled with famous New Orleans Hurricanes, our hometown hostess was about to try and earn some “special beads” by performing a Monica Lewinsky stunt featuring a cigar and her pants around her ankles.

In the middle of the street. 

Cameras flashed. People cheered. And my Catholic upbringing reared its ugly head. 

“Carly, you can’t do this,” I said, forgetting about my crowd anxiety and elbowing my way up to her. 

“I gotta have those beads!” she drunkenly declared, contorting her body in a way that told me she really was going through with this. She shoved me away when I tried to stop her. 

“No. There must be another way to get the beads,” I said. “We can buy them.”

“Sweetie,” said one of the equally drunken guys standing around her holding a camera, “you’re new here aren’t you? You don’t earn your beads here on Bourbon Street with money

Realization dawned. Negotiation ensued. No, I wouldn’t flash my boobs (didn’t they know it was 40-freaking-degrees outside and I hadn’t had so much as one frozen margarita to curb my inhibitions?). No, Carly wouldn’t be doing the Monica Lewinsky. But Carly had to have those damn beads.

In the end, the bead-boys settled for me posing with my hands on Carly’s breasts in a pose that I will simply have to pray won’t ever hit the internet. But she got the beads…and I got a mask, which I wore every other day I was at Mardi Gras as I drank Hurricanes like lemonade.

Oh…and that Canadian guy? Yeah. I married him.

Until the next time…I’ll be looking for next week’s guest!

writing is a leap of faith...or a really painful fall

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Spotlight.

Lorca DamonTonight’s guest is writer Lorca Damon. For more about Lorca, click on her photo to visit her website.

Writing a book sucks. There, I said it. I’ve done it six times and it’s just plain horrible. I cry, I scream, I forget to feed important things like dogs and children. It’s carnage. So why do I keep doing this to myself?

Notice I didn’t say, “I’ve published six books.” I’ve WRITTEN six books. There’s a difference. PUBLISHING six books means I have an audience and a fan base and I care what they think of my work. WRITING six books means I just have way too much free time between midnight and four in the morning.

But here’s the truth: I didn’t write them for you, I wrote them for me. Wow, that sounded ugly even while it was still in my head. But it’s true.

Emily Dickinson apparently wrote tons of stuff on scraps of paper that she shoved in the back of a drawer so no one would ever see them. Harper Lee might be writing new books every week even as we speak, whole volumes of words that we may never see until she dies and even then I hope someone has the good sense to burn all of them before someone can try to make a buck off it.

Those women were writers. They wrote because it felt good or because it kept them from having whole conversations with the voices in their heads at all hours of the day or night. I write because I need someone to read what the voices are telling me to do, then stop me from going through with it.

I learned this really super lesson from my eleven-year-old, of all people. I was lying on the living room floor surrounded by my notes and my laptop. I have no idea why pencils were strewn all around me since I clearly had my laptop, but it added to the writerly look of things. Go with it.

Anyway, I’m lying on the floor in exactly the same position I’d be in if I had just fallen from a really great height. Life has no meaning anymore, I’m on the edge of the cliff, all that stuff. I moaned a little, just for tortured writer effect.

“I’m so tired of these characters!” I cried. “They’re. So. Whiny!”

“So kill them,” my daughter said with a shrug. “It’s your book. Kill them.”

“I can’t! The sequel will suck if I kill them! Waaaahaaa!”

“So don’t kill them. It’s still your book.” And she left the room with the last can of Mountain Dew.

But she was right. It’s my book. Not the industry’s, not the publisher’s, not the audience’s. It’s mine. I wrote it and I like it. And maybe no one will ever read it, if that’s not what’s meant to be. But at least I got it out of my head.

Lorca Damon is a teacher and a YA (Young Adult) writer, currently working on her sixth novel, but please don’t go looking for either of the first five yet since, (acccording to Lorca) no one thought they were any good. Her mother thought the first one was lacking but had nothing but the highest praise for the second one. Thus, her mother has offered to write a review for her hometown newspaper.

You can follow her on Twitter @LorcaDamon. Feel free to Friend her on Facebook since she doesn’t know how it works and therefore cannot stop you. A third cousin of someone she went to junior high school with posts her horoscope on her Facebook wall every day and she is powerless to stop him.

On a side note, Lorca has tossed her hat into the arena in the Daywalker contest. Check out her entry as Victoria here.

Until the next time…I’ll be looking for next week’s guest (could it be you?)

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

santa vomit

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Blogger series

 

Rachel ThompsonTonight’s guest blogger is Rachel Thompson, bestselling author of A Walk in the Snark. For more about Rachel, click on her photo to visit her website.

 

People approach Christmas decorating in three ways.

The bare minimum – a few lights, hang the stockings, perhaps an artificial tree. Easy, done. As long as the fridge is stocked with eggnog and the cupboard has brandy, life is good.

I call that MY KIND OF PEOPLE (of course, I don’t live in that house. More in a moment.)

There’s normal – gets the tree, spends a nice evening decorating along with decking the outside lights, bakes cookies for the neighbors and the kid’s teachers, sends out the Christmas cards the day after Thanksgiving…ya know, everyday people.

I’ve met them. I know they exist. They don’t live in my home, either.

Finally, we have over the top. You’ve seen those homes – blow up Santas, lights that can be seen from space, poinsettia-lined driveways. You enjoy the pretty lights as you drive by and thank the lord you don’t have their electric bill.

I live in Category Number Four: Santa Vomit.

See in my home, Santa has vomited his red and green jolly shit over every square inch of every single surface to the point that we hand out maps if you come visit so you can find your way back out.  

I didn’t know, when I exchanged vows that fateful October nineteen years ago, that the man I’d known for only five months and therefore had yet to spend a Christmas holiday with, was in actuality Buddy the Elf.

Surely it was a Jedi mind trick.

Though I suppose his idea of one our first dates in NYC: “First we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle,” should have been a warning sign.

It’s not just that the ten-to-twelve foot tree (I withhold the penis jokes here ‘cause I did marry the guy and that area is not elf-sized. I know. Mazel Tov) has to be just so. Always a Noble Fir by the way. No other tree exists in our universe. It must be perfect. We visit at least three lots in our small town to be sure we’ve (and by that I mean he) has picked out the most perfect Noble in all the village.

I gird my loins with vodka first. And bring a flask, just in case.

I grew up Jewish. We had a few gifts on the fireplace and candles. Prayer, presents, done. When husband had our first tree delivered and I saw all the mishigas with the ‘watering mechanism’ and the drilling and the needles and…oy. I ran for the brandy and hid in the corner until he found his little jew girl and talked her down with promises of wine and chocolate. And a new Louis Vuitton handbag.

Not much has changed, really.

There are stacks and stacks of fabric-lined (yes, I did just write that) boxes lining every corner of the living room, filled with delicate, hand-blown glass ornaments collected over the years. (My Santa has a special storage unit JUST for the holiday stuff.) As he decorates the tree (placement is key), he has either traditional Christmas music on or one of the three Santa Clause, Deck the Halls, or Christmas Vacation movies on a continuous loop.

There’s also a small tree for the kids. Cause ya know, nobody touches the big tree ornaments. #gasp

One friend came by to pick up her daughter from a playdate and after she lifted her jaw from the floor (that is covered in sleighbells ringing), she said felt inadequate in her own decorating abilities. I said no honey, you’re just normal.

The table full of at least twenty-five Santas he’s collected over the years, staring at me with their beady little eyes, late at night while I’m up, writing, alone.

You might think I’m being harsh. Shut up. You don’t have fifty beady little eyes staring at you as you write this. Then talk to me.

So why is my husband such a Christmas psycho? I could go on and on but I’m just easing you in. I haven’t even discussed our four advent calendars, elf presents, the two Elf on the Shelf(s), the daily crafts and cookie baking (not by me. I repeat, I’m Jewish), and the daily trips to the m…m…mall.

His mom. His mother passed away years before we ever met. She adored Christmas. She went all out, cooked amazing meals, fed all the stray kids who had nowhere to go, and was, from what everybody says, the most generous person they all had ever known. This is his homage to her.

So while I tease him a bit and call it Santa vomit and feel like stabbing myself in the eye if another Santa Clause movie comes on, I indulge the man his collection of Radko ornaments, little villages, trains, and other stuff. He’s making memories for our kids just like his mom did for him.

Now go have a nog and wrap something, would ya?

Merry whatever. 

 

Thank you Rachel…for reminding me why I keep my decorating to a minimum. But I have to admit…in my head my house is an explosion of Christmas. Just like yours.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Until the next time…I’m going to have a nog or whatever and hit the sheets!

it came upon an unmarked truck

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Blogger series.

Kelly Stone GambleTonight’s guest blogger is Kelly Stone Gamble. For more about Kelly, click on her photo to visit her website. 

You know that one toy that every kid just has to have? The one that the sadistic toymakers only produce in limited supply? Yes, that one.  Of course, it’s different every year, and when my kids were little, I was just like the rest of the monsters, I mean, mothers, out trying to score that one thing, that one toy that would make them dance around the tree and scream “Thank you, Santa Claus!” Right.  The only fat man involved was the one I kidney punched because he tried to grab my Cabbage Patch doll. 

It was the year of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and the only thing my sons wanted was a red power ranger action figure.  Of course, every child between the ages of four and fifty wanted the same thing and I had exhausted the search in my small town and surrounding areas.  Two weeks before Christmas, and I tried to explain to them that I couldn’t find it.  I might as well have been talking Furbish.  They knew that what Mom couldn’t find, Santa would take care of.  Damn the fat man.    

FAO Schwarz at ChristmasI had one more shot.  My aunt and I had planned to meet in Manhattan for a weekend of shows and Christmas fun.  Of all the toy stores in the world, surely, FAO Schwartz would have the prize, right? Well, kind of.  Amidst a mob of mothers I listened while the store manager explained:

“Our last shipment of power ranger figures will arrive in the morning at 5am.” Then he added. “By truck. In the alley.”

I wasn’t opposed to grappling in a dark, New York City alley at 5am for a power ranger, and I was pretty sure I could hold my own.  But these other miscreants, I mean, mothers, were pretty excited about it, and that scared me. I shrugged, and thought, oh well, in the spirit of Christmas, I’ll round up some brass knuckles and a cat o nines and take my chances.  What the hell.

I got there at 4 a.m., thinking I would be ahead of the crowd.  The others were obviously more experienced at alley jacking trucks, and there were easily two hundred women already there. Yes, two hundred Zhu Zhu warriors, ready to crack you over the head with an Easy Bake Oven, if necessary.

Seeing that my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle moves were not intimidating anyone, I knew my chance of actually getting through these angry birds was pretty slim.  They would be arm-loading, and if I got to the truck at all, the only thing that would be left would be, heaven forbid, a blue ranger. And from the looks of the crowd, I’d probably have to take a knife just to get that.

Red Power RangerI was ready to accept defeat.   I wavered between telling the boys that Santa is a jerk or to just blame their father. I started walking away, glancing back to the alley and trying to avoid the Christmas cheer that the twinkling lights and expensive decorations were there to encourage.  Then I stopped and looked more closely at the decorations that were strung through the streets.  “Well, Tickle Me, Elmo,” I said.  I turned around and walked one block, turned and walked one more.  Then I waited. 

At 4:45, an unmarked 28 foot box truck crept down the street.   At 4:46, I walked in front of it and forced it to stop.

“Lady, are you crazy!” Probably not certifiable, but that wasn’t the point.

“You hit me!” I yelled as I limped toward him and climbed on the step side.

“You are crazy.   Lady, you need to get off my truck.”

I nodded. “Sure thing. I’ll just call your dispatcher and say you hit me and kept on going.  Or, I could call him and tell him how professionally you handled Christmas Hell in that alley ahead.  Either one will go in your file, right?”

“How do you know what alley I’m going to?”

I shrugged. “I work for a truck line.  Last week one of our drivers took out Santa and all eight reindeer that were hanging too low across the street.  Look around, this is the only route there is to that alley, and you have a 5 a.m. appointment.”

He laughed.  “I guess you want me to open up my truck and get you one of those damn dolls.  That ain’t gonna happen.”

He knew he was packing the goods. But I was smarter than the average beanie baby.  “No! Of course not. I’m going to ask you to give me one of the ones you’ve got in the cab of this truck.  Twenty bucks for a $7 toy, and a glowing compliment from one of the mothers at FAO Schwartz.  Whatdya say?”

He thought for a moment. “What makes you think I have some in the cab?”

I gave him my best smirk and rolled my eyes.  I do love truck drivers. 

He thought for a moment and then sighed.   “You got forty bucks?”

“Forty bucks! Highway robbery!” I said as dug in my pocket and grabbed two twenties. Then I realized, it actually was highway robbery and I was a maskless Zorro.  “It has to be red,” I said as he leaned over and reached behind the passenger seat.  I heard him mumble, “Well, hell, like I don’t know that.”

He handed me two boxes.  I shook my head. “No, I only need one. “

Kelly Saves Christmas“One’s red and the other is green. They just came out with the green ones. You’ll be walkin’ in front of trucks for that one next week. I’m trying to save us both the headache.”

I walked back through the streets of Manhattan with more attitude than Holiday Barbie.  I stood across the street from Hell Alley and watched as the biting, fighting, screaming and general chaos began.  I couldn’t resist yelling  “Merry Christmas, losers!” as I turned to leave.  I smiled as I patted my coat, now bulging with two boxes—-a red ranger AND a green ranger.  I had scored.   And I’d be damned if Santa was going to get the credit for it.    

Help me in giving a great big thank you to Kelly Stone Gamble for sharing her hilarious Christmas experience! All she needs is a cape! Be sure to visit Kelly’s blog for her stories from the Hoover Dam.

Until the next time…I’ll be decking the halls for tomorrow night’s 12 blogs of Christmas!

the reluctant crime writer

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Blogger series.

Toby NealTonight’s guest blogger is Toby Neal, author of Blood Orchids. For more about Toby, click on her photo to visit her website.

How did this happen to me? I’m studying Forensics for Dummies with a pack of Post-its. I’m cutting up a chicken in the kitchen with a butcher knife as “research” for a paragraph on dismemberment, leaning in close to listen to the wet thunk and gristly snick of the knife. I’m looking at gruesome pictures of autopsies for accurate descriptions. I’m pulling over to the side of the road and sniffing roadkill, trying for accurate words for the scent of decay. Oh, and I’ve watched about a dozen YouTube videos on handgun cleaning, shooting, loading and handling (still never have touched a real one.)

I’m putting out FB questions—“Anybody know a real policewoman I can interview?” A friend puts me in contact and I meet this intrepid soul for coffee and flattery,  studying her body language, stance, and verbiage while peppering with questions about procedure and the mysterious accoutrements on her duty belt. I’m jogging with my (tiny, fuzzy and idiotic) dogs, imagining myself as the physically fit, badass Lei Texeira, my protagonist, with her Rottweiler.

Through it all, and four books into it, I’m still baffled that I’m writing crime mysteries—but I’ve passed through the denial, bargaining, and anonymity stages and am well on my way to acceptance.

Here’s how it happened:

I wrote a short story on my anonymous blog about a policewoman who’d been sexually abused, who was brave and a little crazy in her persuit of justice. I wrote about the drowning of two young girls, a situation  that I’d dealt with in my real life role as a therapist, helpless to do anything but grieve and help others grieve. I wrote this story to try to work through the trauma of it, to understand it all better somehow.

People wanted to know what happened next so I posted chapters. About 60 pages in, further than I’d ever made it on any of my other attempts, I realized I was so into Lei’s story I was going to be interested enough to actually finish a novel (after about 10 aborted novelets? Novelinas? No-vellums that petered out.)

Blood OrchidsAnd I finished Blood Orchids.

I found Lei had more to learn, more cases to solve, more islands to explore, healing to experience and sex to have—and I was still totally into her story. Four books in, and I haven’t lost interest in the seedy underbelly of humanity (did I mention I’m a therapist?) and the dual faces of Hawaii—paradise, and purgatory.

I’m a little embarrassed by this. I’m a nice person, a people helper—staid and a little matronly in my flowered pants and tank tops with pearls.  This fascination with fighting crime really seems…unseemly.

But what I’ve also discovered is that I have a side that loves to root for the underdog, that revels in justice, and that wishes I could be more active than wiping the tears of victims. It’s that side that revels in Lei’s ass kicking of psychologically sick perpetrators… and so in a funny way I guess it all does make sense.

Anyone else surprised by what they like to write—and what they like to read?

 

Thank you so much Toby for your fun post! Remind me not to get on her bad side. She knows how to dismember a chicken!

Until the next time…Check out the Daywalker contest page for news about the contest…and check back tomorrow for a bonus!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

life is like a game of broken telephone

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Blogger series.

DC McMillenTonight’s guest blogger is DC McMillen, author of

the

Nauti-Lust

series

. For more about DC, click on her photo to visit her website.

Earlier this week I read a blog post entitled Feeling Philosophical. In the entry, the author mentioned that everything happens for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason.

I hear people say that a lot. Hell, I’ve even said it once or twice. But does everything happen for a reason, really?

In my opinion, the answer is yes and no.

Let me explain. Yes, of course, everything happens for a reason, as in, the resulting consequence of a previous action. Does everything happen for a grand purpose to ensure you fulfill your true destiny, though? Nope, I don’t think so.

Before everyone’s fingers start flying over the keyboards to blast me for not believing in a higher purpose or F-A-T-E, let me explain further.

I think fate is complete bullshit.

There, feel better? No? Okay then, I will concede a little. Maybe our lives do start out with a master plan that involves an individual or collective purpose. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it), life is like a game of broken telephone. As an example, let’s say my initial agenda was to be the inventor of Viagra. Somewhere along the lines, though, something went terribly askew. I think it happened when I chose bikini Barbie over Doctor Barbie because she looked so damned hot in that pink fluorescent two-piece. My mom saw me drooling over Barbie and thought she had it all wrong. She dressed me up for Halloween in a princess gown and tiara instead of that smock and stethoscope she had her eye on. Whew, she dodged a bullet there. After wearing this frilly costume, I decided I liked being a princess and it became my new thing. I gave up my nerdy obsessions and tomboy habits. I even chose to finally accept that invite to play Cabbage Patch Kids in Carrie’s playhouse with the popular girls instead of joining the afterschool science program.

One thing led to another; we fast forward twenty five years and, thanks to the broken telephone syndrome, I am not a filthy stinking rich boner doctor. Instead I am a middle class erotica writer. Come to think of it, I guess that in this scenario I did kind of fulfill my destiny. I mean, either way, I am successfully stimulating the sex drives of people worldwide. Maybe there is something to this fate thing, after all…

Thank you to DC McMillen for reminding us how fragile the balance of life is, and why I’m really glad my mom swapped out that toy tractor for a Barbie doll when I was three.

Until the next time…I’ll be watching for Daywalker contest entries to start flooding in (are you playing?)

playing dirty

Welcome to the Weekly Guest Blogger series.

Kelly Stone GambleTonight’s guest blogger is Kelly Stone Gamble. For more about Kelly, click on her photo to visit her website.

I’ve always been open to new experiences and the stranger the better.  I’ve swam with sharks. I’ve been slammed in a mosh pit. I’ve performed in a pickle costume.  It’s fun to say, “oh, yeah, I’ve done that,” and I say that a lot.  But I’ve yet to be asked if I ever mud wrestled, so I’ll just answer that for you right now.  Oh, yeah, I’ve done that, too.   

Twenty years ago, I worked as a Nurse in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  My good friend, Sue (name changed to protect the innocent) was a Physical Therapist.  That was her day job. On the weekends, she mud wrestled at a local bar dressed as a medieval princess.  One night, her designated opponent had called in sick, and she asked if I would step in. 

Female mud wrestling was not new to me.  In my early twenties, one of my roommates mud wrestled for extra money. Twice a week, she would put on her French maid costume and prance around a mud filled ring, then strip down to a skimpy bikini and roll around with another girl to the delight of a bar full of men.  A bar full of men with a lot of money, I might add, as she would bring home more in her two hours than I brought home all week. 

I had my reservations.  It wasn’t the rolling around in the mud, or the googling eyes of horny men that bothered me. It was the bikini.  Although I was in one of my ‘thin’ stages at the time, I had never worn a two piece bathing suit. Call me a prude. But after being told I would be paid one hundred dollars for a five minute bout and a promise that I could wear a low cut, side out onsie, I said sure, why not? Always willing to help out a friend.

I met most of the other wrestlers in the dressing room, very normal young ladies, most with respectable day jobs.  They went over the rules with me, keep it safe, no ripping off bathing suits (it was a high class bar) and make it a show.  It was all very…nun-like, and I use that particular word for a reason.  Yes, after putting on the costume I was to wear for the evening, I would soon be making my mud wrestling debut as Sister Sludge, the One Fun Nun. 

The plan was to wrestle for five minutes, then to let Sue pin me for the win.  She would then move on to the next round and my work would be done.  But as the crowd cheered, my competitive nature kicked in and I got serious. “What are you doing?” she whispered to me as we rolled in the muck. “You don’t want to win.” Oh, yes I did. I slammed her a little too hard and crawled on top. Nuns rule.

After taking my celebratory hosing down, I went back to the ring, ready to take on the cute little daycare worker I’d met backstage. But it wasn’t her that showed up. It was the Cave Woman. And not sweet little Ayla from Clan of the Cave Bear.  It was Andre the Giant in drag. 

I turned to Sue who was standing in my corner.  “What the hell? She wasn’t in the dressing room!” 

“No,” Sue replied. “She has her own dressing room.” 

I reminded myself that this was a show and there were rules.  Confidently, I turned back toward my opponent, just in time to be hit in the face with a mud ball the size of a small dog.  “Start prayin’, Sister,” she snarled. And, that I did.

The Neanderthal picked me up and twirled me above her head like a baton, then threw me to the ground and stomped me with her size 13’s. I rolled to the side of the ring as she grunted through bared teeth, and lumbered toward me with her arms raised high, exposing underarm hair that would shame a Sasquatch.  I was trembling, I feared for my life, and raised my hands to cover my face.  And that’s when I noticed. 

I had broken a nail. 

This bitch was going down.

I remembered my Dad always said that everyone has a weakness. I went first for the testicles.  The Wookie was not pleased.  She picked me up and wrapped me in a bear hug.  I had no choice but to hug back. Then I remembered another bit of fatherly advice: Cheaters sometimes win.  I quickly untied her bikini top and held on to the strings. She slung me to the other side of the ring, but this time I was the one that came up laughing. 

That match was quickly called, and I was forever banned from the mud wrestling ring for ‘breaking the nudity rule’. Whatever.  I had two hundred bucks in my pocket and an undefeated record.

Groovy.

Until the next time…I’ll be searching for our next guest blogger!