laptop, my laptop

So, if you've been paying attention, you know my laptop caught fire Sunday night. It was a tragedy, only made worse when I discovered my hard drive was unsalvageable.  And I wasn't upset over the loss of the laptop, per se. I hated that damn thing. But I was certainly mourning the loss of my files, and my tools, and the very ability to work.

And my condition has not improved with the addition of my new eating rules, put in place after viewing a wide angle shot of my ass on Monday. So basically, take one part hell-fire consuming my laptop and add my ass splashed across the internet and, to put it mildly, you end up with one ridiculously grumpy bitch for several days.  

Fast forward to today... 

I have a semi-working laptop to mess around with (and the promise of a better one to come), I've already cheated on my diet...a few times...and the sun is shining. This is a recipe for a happy camper, and I suppose you could say, I am. Happy, that is. Especially now that I can blog again. And write. And surf the internet on something a bit larger than my phone. Not that I'm knocking my phone...I sort of love it. But it's not exactly a huge screen. And I'm not exactly a kid anymore. Every year it gets harder and harder to read that fine print on a tiny screen. But thank goodness I had it during my three days without a laptop. I don't know what I would have done, but I'm pretty sure it would have been newsworthy...and illegal...and frightening to small children. Or I would have just cried a lot more than I did. 

Eh...I survived. 

Until the next time...I'll be back in business! 

ding dong my laptop's dead

Under different circumstances, I might be singing "Ding dong my laptop died...holy crap, it f#cking fried..." at the top of my lungs, while dancing (badly) in my best underwear (trust me, girls do this) and eating freshly frosted cupcakes (seriously, there's never a bad time to eat cupcakes) in the orange glow of the flames.

Because, let's face it, I hated that damn thing. It was bad news, and my grandma always said, "Bad things burn in hell..." (I may have exaggerated something she said, but I'm sure I'm capturing the essence of what she meant) so the fact that my laptop burst into flames today could be sending me a message. And the message has been heard, loud and clear. My laptop was the spawn of Satan, and the depths of hell rose up to take it home.

Good riddance to bad garbage and all that. Then again...it did take a whole lot of my files with it, so maybe I've spoken too soon.  

In the past few hours, I've cried. I've yelled. I've considered throwing things around the house while spewing my favorite four letter words in rapid, yet very interesting combinations, all while consuming far too many freshly frosted cupcakes (see above reference.)

It's like a bonus round of PMS around here, and that's just a shame, because as weekends go, this was a pretty nice one. I drove to Raleigh, North Carolina to a party at my publisher's house, where I met many of my peers for the first time. We ate, drank, and did karaoke...and as you well know, that's as close to nirvana as life gets. Then I get home, log in to my laptop for some much needed internet surfing...I mean, work...and the damn things bursts into flames! 

As an aside, I didn't actually see the flames, but there was plenty of smoke, and the cord melted into a puddle of goo. As far as I'm concerned, this spells fire.  So now I wait impatiently as my husband pulls the stupid f#cking laptop (Samsung model number...oh never mind)  apart to salvage the hard drive and its contents. I want so very much to finish out this Viking funeral by tossing a few cups of gasoline on the damn thing and lighting it up for real. But that will have to wait. First order of business is acquiring a new laptop.

Do you think I could get away with having a telethon? I can sing...I tell good stories....maybe people would send money to pay for this monstrosity my imagination has built. Probably not. But it won't stop me from dreaming. 

Until the next time...I'll be shopping for a new laptop! 

an apple a day

I had this really amazing blog I wrote for today. It was witty, and fresh, and so very me. It was going to delight and astound all who read it. ​

And then my stupid laptop cleared the screen (without my permission) erasing every single word (without saving) thereby dashing my hopes for an academy award in blogging. And causing me to spew forth a stunning display of vulgar language worthy of the best 4th of July spectacular.

My husb...I mean, my imaginary dead president (IDP for short) has threatened to record my frequent laptop rants and splice them into a YouTube video. He says it would be quite entertaining. I say (insert vulgar language here). The problem is not me. The problem is my inferior laptop. A machine that has been defective almost since the day I got it. The problem is I was resistant to buy a Mac. Oh, yes...that's the problem!

But I know what has to be done. I have to start saving up for the new MacBook Pro. It's not cheap. It's not even reasonable. But apparently, it's the one to have...the laptop of champions. I don't know all the specifications, I let my tech savvy IDP handle those things for me. I just show up and write. And apparently, one needs the proper tools to write.

I have to admit, I'll miss the old laptop. We fought often, and we fought hard, but it got me through some pretty tough spots. We did edits on my book together. We came up with several projects together. It cleared my screen during most of them, forcing me to come up with new, even better ideas. But it was always there...running out of battery just when I needed it. Blue screen of death at the most inopportune moments. Yes...we had a nice run, stupid freaking laptop. But your days are numbered!

Until the next time...I'll be taking donations!​