that’s why the zombie’s a tramp

I was having a pretty good day.  It was beautiful outside, comfortably cool and sunny.  I had a nice lunch outing followed by a productive trip to the bookstore where I wrote several pages on my current work in progress.  My husband and I even watched a movie together (while multitasking on separate laptops). 

It was lovely.

Then as soon as the movie was over, my husband switched the television to a documentary about a post-apocalyptic world.  It was everything I had ever feared…and then some. 

I couldn’t watch, but I couldn’t look away, sort of like that part in the movie Wild Things when Kevin Bacon steps out of the shower and you can totally see “everything.”  Right…I closed my eyes that time.  Sure I did. 

But this time, there was no naked Bacon in a shower.  This time I was watching a world with no people.  A world where dogs devoured dogs…and rust ate away at skyscrapers and monuments. 

Somebody make it stop!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…we need to prepare. 

Well, I’m not much for preparation, but I’ll happily oversee.  My son is the zombie warrior and my husband is the one who prepares for the apocalypse.  I basically stay out of the way for fear of breaking something. 

But I don’t want the world to disappear.  I don’t want to be eaten by zombies.  I want to turn back the clock to a simpler time.  A time when Frank, Dean and Sammy were the coolest cats on Earth. 

I think the Rat Pack would have been the coolest zombie hunters in the world.   Sinatra would never run from a zombie.  He would walk right up to one (singing Witchcraft, of course) tip his hat with a grin, then Dean would take him out with a broken liquor bottle.

I think a zombie apocalypse would be almost fun if Frank, Sammy and Dean were out front, killing zombies in the desert and driving around in a baby blue convertible, stopping off to do a show along the way.  Of course, the old Sand’s hotel would be their base of operations, and they would report directly to President Kennedy. 

I don’t know about you…but I’d totally buy tickets to that show.

Until the next time…I’ll be watching the original Ocean’s Eleven!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

who the hell invited the wombat?

There is a cricket in my living room.  I can’t see him, but I know he’s here.  I’m listening to him chirp every few seconds…taunting me from his crickety hiding place in the wall. 

What does this mean?  Could it be some prophesy of doom?  No, he’s just the cherry on top of my fruit salad of a day.  Just a distraction, as if I needed another distraction, right?  I already fell asleep before dinner and woke up in the dark wondering if it was still today. 

It’s supposed to be wacky Wednesday, where I blog a topic chosen by my readers.  I can’t blame anyone. This is my own fault.  I set myself up for this one.  But I don’t want to blog about close encounters of the weird kind.  I don’t want to blog about zombie invasions or women with tattoos who ride motorcycles. And although Dan DeWitt would love for me to write an entire blog devoted to his favorite subject…Dan DeWitt…I think I’ll have to go with the other topic that came up. 

Wombats.                                            

Because sure, who doesn’t love wombats?  Admittedly, I was envisioning a prehistoric, winged creature with scary teeth and sharpened claws.  Or worse…a half woman and half bat creature from an accidental transformation from vampire to bat form.  I wasn’t expecting a cute little teddy bear.  What does that say about me that I couldn’t identify a wombat just by its name?  I’m supposed to be smarter than that.  I’m supposed to know everything…I mean, I’ve been known to say I do.  But don’t listen to me.  I didn’t even know what a wombat looked like.  According to Dan DeWitt, my complete lack of wombat identification skills could have allowed a dangerous criminal to go free.  

I’m seriously worried that I never did wake up and I’m dreaming even now. 

But now that I know how cute wombats are (and as long as I’m still dreaming) I may as well adopt one.  Because I need another mouth to feed, right? 

Do wombats even use a litter box? 

Not that it matters, because apparently it is illegal to import them as pets anyway.  Besides, when I wake up I’ll probably have a completely different perspective on the whole thing. 

And since I’m only dreaming, I may as well invite Johnny Depp…and the guy who played Henry VIII on the Tudors.  And we may as well hang out someplace way cooler than my living room with that chirping cricket, and the snoring dog.  I’ve always wanted to go to Australia…hey they have wombats there!

Ok, who slipped me the Nyquil?

Until the next time…I’ll be getting some much needed sleep!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

three seats for the apocalypse

What could be worse than suffering from PMS?  Suffering from someone else’s PMS, that’s what.   PMS is like a rabid puppy.  It seeks to destroy everything it touches, leaving a war torn trail of shredded shoes and underwear in its wake, but it likes company.  In fact, it likes company so damn much, it recruits friends.  How do I know this?  Because women living or working in close proximity to one another always seem to cycle together.  We don’t understand it, we don’t really like it, but we have absolutely no way to control it. 

It sneaks up on us like the scary, badass ninja it is.

So imagine my horror, as I begin the tenuous climb down from the crumbling ledge of my own terrifying brand of PMS, and I find myself stepping onto a window washer’s unsteady platform, hanging precariously over the edge on a windy, rainy day with two teenage girls and their very own vats of simmering, frothing PMS.  I have nowhere to turn…nowhere to run.  I am trapped, and ready to chew off my own arm just to escape.

That’s when I get the text from my daughter, just moments after finally falling asleep last night.  “Mom, it’s an emergency…bring (insert feminine hygiene product here).”

There is nothing like discovering at five o’clock in the morning that you have exactly three items left in the box and three women in desperate need.  Sure, enough to go around, but these things must be immediately replenished!  This is no joke!

So I’m standing in the line at the grocery store this morning (after getting way too few hours of sleep…WAY TOO FEW!) and on the conveyor belt…gliding ever closer to the pubescent boy ringing up my items…I have a bag of tortilla chips, one can of chili, two boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a bag of shredded cheese, three boxes of tampons, four boxes of pads, and one milky way candy bar.  The kid looks at me funny.  You know that look?  The one teenage boys seem to sport all the time…like they can sniff out sex in a dirty trash can.  He scans my stuff, he glances at me, then he cracks this little grin.  Like he knows something about me from my groceries.  So I shrug, knock over the tower of feminine hygiene products with a flick of my wrist and I say it… “I’d like three seats for the apocalypse please.” 

Yeah, he doesn’t laugh.  He clearly doesn’t have sisters, or a girlfriend.  And quite possibly his mother has done him a great disservice by not teaching him about the dangers of a PMSing female.  He didn’t get it.  Oh, but he will.  He will get it one day very soon.  And when he does, he’s going to suddenly burst out laughing, and his friends will all ask him, “what’s so funny, Jimmy?”  And he’s going to look at them and say, “Three seats for the apocalypse…I totally get it.”

Until the next time…I’ll be hiding in my room until the scary part is over!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
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lady, you need a whine cooler

No I didn’t spell that wrong, no matter what my spell checker says.  It doesn’t always understand context, and in this case, the context is dead on the money.  It has been one of those days.  The kind of day that makes a woman desperate for a whine cooler. 

Have you ever noticed how PMS just creeps up on you like a ninja? A freaking black suit wearing, sharp sword wielding ninja?  One minute you’re fine, going about your business…not bothering anyone…when a particular song comes on the radio, and the next thing you know you can’t see to drive through the downpour of tears.  So you pull over on the side of the road and use the floor mats to wipe your eyes and blow your nose. Five minutes later, you’re driving like a bat out of hell, following some burly man in a camouflaged pick-up truck with a gun rack in the back window because he cut you off, and you’re bound and determined to show him exactly where he can shove that elephant rifle…

Yeah…not a good day, right?

Once you’ve finished making the big scary man cry (because PMS makes you more terrifying than Freddy Krueger on steroids) you drive home to your nearest and dearest and proceed to plot their demise in the most horrible, painful way…a scenario you have memorized from last month, and the month before that…plans you don’t actually intend on carrying out, but laugh maniacally as you run them through your head nonetheless. God forbid someone should find your secret stash of chocolate and ice cream sandwiches…the consequences for eating those would be ghastly.

Before long, you feel like a social pariah, ready to snap at a single cross word, fully prepared to stab the next person who looks at you funny with a pencil, or a sharpened carrot stick.  Instead, you take a few deep breaths and dig through the fridge for that frosty cold wine cooler to chill out your perpetual PMS whine.

So this is where I am on a fine Sunday evening, living in a place that doesn’t allow alcohol sales on a Sunday…the same day the pharmacy closes early, so people can’t refill their valium prescriptions (not that I have one of those, but that isn’t important right now) I also don’t have a single wine cooler in the house when I’m certain one would come in very handy.  Luckily, my husband has a stash of dark chocolate hidden in the safe for just this sort of occasion. 

Oh, I’m sure I’ll survive…I always do.  Although, I can’t guarantee the same for the rest of you.

Until the next time…I’ll be whining.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

bare today…hair tomorrow

Fashion is a fickle friend.  Whether we’re talking miniskirts, skinny jeans, or platform shoes…long hair on men, short hair on women, or the question of whether or not to shave. 

And I’m not just talking about beards here.  Well…maybe I am. 

I’ve done a lot of crazy things. I would be the first to admit it.  Not only did I attempt to wax my own bikini area, and with disastrous results I might add, but I went ahead and wrote it down for all the world to see. Or rather read.  So why not take it a step further.  Why not discuss the other popular options?

I spent the better part of last night chatting with a bunch of women about that very thing.  

It would seem I’m not the only one with a disastrous waxing tale.  Apparently horrible things can go wrong even when a professional is in control of the hot wax.  Especially when talking about a Brazilian wax.  I don’t know about you, but sending a strange Brazilian into my nether regions with boiling hot wax is NOT something I will be adding to my bucket list. I burned my mouth on a barbeque chicken sandwich the other day and walked around sucking on ice chips all day…my tongue still hurts.  That is not something I want to experience anywhere in the vicinity of my crotch.

So yeah, hot wax is out.  But laser hair removal treatments might just be in. 

It was brought up in the conversation last night, and I remembered it was an option at my doctor’s office.  I mean, I’ve been known to remove my pants at the doctor’s office for medical reasons, right?  It’s a yearly thing, in fact.  So how much of a stretch would it be to put my legs into stirrups for fashion?  Well…fashion, hygene…hey, in some circumstances it could actually mean going down a size in undergarments, and let’s face it, ladies…any opportunity to go down a size should be seized!

But the more I thought about this whole, permanent hair removal thing, the more I started thinking about fashion and her fickle moods.  How many times have styles changed in the course of my life?  Eyebrows have gone from pencil thin to thick and bushy and back to groomed again.  Skirts have gone from long to short to even shorter in the blink of an eye.  How can I be sure bare down there will always be in style?  I mean, I remember the seventies and the popular back to nature bush-fro of the era.  Sure, it was a little National Geographic, but you just never know when I might feel the urge to go all retro and sport a vintage look…it could happen.

Besides, who knows what all the grannies in the nursing home will be wearing.  Sure, that’s a very long way off, but one has to be prepared for anything that may come up.  I certainly don’t want to be the only one who isn’t up with the current trends.   I’m nothing if not trendy. 

So I guess for now I’ll be sticking with the expensive five blade shavers they keep behind lock and key at the grocery store…even they know the value of fashion…that is until someone comes up with something a little less dangerous, or the tide turns again and the retro bush-fro comes back in style. 

I won’t be holding my breath.

Until the next time…I’ll be lathering up!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.
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in pursuit of the perfect cuppa

Welcome to the new Weekly Guest Blogger series.  

Ciara BallintyneTonight’s guest blogger is Ciara Ballintyne. For more about Ciara, click on her photo to visit her website.

In the spirit of klutziness, with which I won this guest post spot (although I prefer to call it a ‘run of extraordinary bad luck’), I thought I would share one of my more priceless klutzy moments.

I am a tea-drinker. A very particular tea-drinker. This is often regarded strangely, although I’m not sure why. I know a number of very fastidious coffee-drinkers, including my husband, for whom no cup of coffee is good enough unless he has hand-made it himself with the espresso machine. This is what I get for marrying a man who used to run a café.

But I am of fine British stock, and therefore I drink tea, in the fine traditions of my ancestors. And it must be made ‘just-so’, with the correct amount of milk and sugar, in the correct cup.

Yes, you heard right. In the correct cup.

I have a cup in which I must make my morning tea. Every day. It belonged to my mother, because of course this was the cup I used for my morning tea every day as I grew up, and it had to come with me when I moved out. In fact, my cat broke that cup. I now possess three members of the surviving five cups of that six cup set, pilfered from my parents because my life would come to an end if I did not have that cup for my breakfast tea. I have brought all three of them to my mother-in-law’s house, where we currently live with strictly rationed kitchen space, because I need those cups. I can survive with other cups throughout the day, but my morning cuppa must be made in that cup. It’s my wake-up call. 

I also have a Milo cup. Or rather, I don’t really care what cup my Milo is made in, as long as it’s not my tea cup, and it’s a mug. I prefer my Loony Tunes Pepe Le Pew Pisces mug for this, but any mug will do. Really. I’m not that fussy. With Milo, anyway.

My father is not so finely tuned to these nuances, and about ten years ago he commenced making tea in my Milo cup. Seeing the cups sitting on the bench, while the tea brewed in the pot, and my father nowhere in sight, I put my Milo cup back in the cupboard and retrieved the appropriate tea cup.

On his return, Dad says ‘Where’s your cup gone?’

‘This is my tea cup,’ says I, pointing at the cup I had placed on the bench. ‘This…’ and I yanked open the cupboard door and seized the Milo cup, ‘is my…’

Milk flew into the air.

‘Milo cup,’ I finished, milk dripping down my freshly washed hair to the sound of my parents’ hysterical laughter. I didn’t realise Dad had already poured milk in preparation for the tea.

Needless to say I check cups these days before I put them back in the cupboard…

I hope everyone will join me in giving thanks to Ciara for a fun blog, and if anyone knows where I can find “Milo” here in the states, please let me know!

Until the next time…I’ll be looking for next week’s guest blogger.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

this is all your fault Gloria Steinem

I didn’t get a haircut today.  No pedicure, no manicure, no massage. I know…I meant to.  I wanted to.  I just never made it out the door.   One sick teenager and heavy dose of procrastination held me back.  But I did go out to dinner with my husband this evening, followed by a trip to the bookstore.  It was nice to see people again…even the scary man sitting behind me, whittling something under the table.   At least I think he was whittling, I was too afraid to turn around.  

It had been a while since my husband and I had ventured out into public together, and after about an hour or so, I came to the conclusion that feminism has done women a great disservice.  That’s not to say I don’t love my equal rights or anything, I do.  I like voting.  I like equal pay for equal jobs.   I even love that a woman can go back to work, and a man can stay at home with the kids if that’s what they want to do.  Basically, when it comes to fairness, I’m not complaining.  But somewhere along the way we’ve lost the subtle differences that made us special. 

I’m warning all you feminists out there…do not come after me with clubs and torches.  I am not trying to take away your freedoms. I’m just saying I miss some of the old fashioned man/woman dynamics.  I want a man to open my door for me.  Bring me a drink if I’m thirsty.  Carry the heavy bag of dog food from the car to the house without rolling his eyes. 

What happened to all that? 

I’ve always loved that my husband was a real “do it yourself” kind of guy, but not when I ask him to get me a drink at the bookstore café, and he says, “Do it yourself.”  

I guess maybe I’m asking for too much.  After all, I’m thisclose to never cooking again. 

What?  You missed that?  For those of you out of the loop, my husband challenged me to reach 1000 followers on Twitter, and 300 followers on my blog, and if I win I never have to cook again.  I’m getting really close, people.  Really close.  And when I’m free of all cooking duties, I’m going after laundry…after that?  World domination!

I asked him tonight how many followers I would need to get out of vacuuming.  He said I couldn’t count that high. Oh well…I can work with what I have for now.  When I get published, he said I can have a housekeeper.  Do you hear that publishers of the world?  A housekeeper. 

Until the next time…I’ll be teaching the dog how to vacuum.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

I wonder if this is what happened to Howard Hughes

I think I have agoraphobia.  Not to be confused with angora-phobia, which is the fear of angora sweaters, which I also believe I have.  Angora makes me itch, so I avoid the sweaters like the plague. But I’m not talking about sweaters, am I?  No, I’m talking about agoraphobia…the fear of leaving the house. 

I have totally become Sigourney Weaver in the movie Copycat.  I lock myself inside to write while I drown my sorrows in a wine cooler (I’m a lightweight) and interact solely with the people on my computer.  Just add some Harry Connick, Jr. on my iTunes and the picture is complete. 

What happened to me?  I used to love to go out and wander around public places.  I did karaoke!  I had friends!  I wore make-up, shaved my legs, and had sexy hair!   I even stopped to talk to strangers (don’t tell my mother) but lately, I would rather stay in my pajamas with my hair pulled into a ponytail, and listen to television on low volume while I write.   I want to blame the wretched summer heat and my aversion to the sun, but could it be something more?  Am I turning into a recluse a la Howard Hughes?  What’s next…a house full of cats and an episode of Hoarders? 

I had better nip this problem in the bud.  I’m getting up tomorrow morning, shaving my legs, and going for a haircut and a pedicure.  I might even leave my laptop home while I do it.  Oh yeah…I’m ready to live dangerously.  I might even…I’m afraid to think it…I might even wear strappy sandals with a heel!  Watch out world, I’m dangerous in heels. 

But before I can do any of that, I have to finish this blog and get in a few pages of my current work in progress.  I mean, we recluses are actually very dedicated to our work.  After all…look at what Howard Hughes accomplished in his bizarre lifetime?  He made movies, romanced starlets, changed the future of aviation, and got Leonardo DiCaprio to play him in a movie!  I want a life like that…well, minus the crazy long toenails and peeing in milk bottles.

Yep, I’m definitely getting a pedicure tomorrow!

Until the next time…I’ll be sketching up plans for a new airplane…or not.

anatomy of a clumsy blogger

Have you ever asked yourself why you are the way you are?  Why you laugh at the jokes no one else gets and don’t get the jokes you’re supposed to find funny?  Why you see magic in inanimate objects, or hear voices in a quiet room?  Why you plan for a coming zombie invasion when you don’t really believe in zombies?  Why you trip over imaginary objects?

Or is that just me? 

No, I’m not crazy.  Of course not, I’m a writer.  But that doesn’t explain why I’m so clumsy.  I was telling my life story to someone today…well, we only covered a few of the highlights, but it was the story of my life just the same.  I was wondering how, in all my years of klutziness, I’ve managed to survive relatively unscathed.  Concussions? I’ve had a few, but not a single broken bone.  I arrived at the conclusion that I am no ordinary klutz…I’m an extraordinary klutz.  I’ve had more than the normal amount of practice at falling down.  And I plan ahead.  If you know you’re bound to find the one spot in your path that is certain to trip you up, and you will undoubtedly find yourself off balance at the top of a steep incline, you tend to prepare for every inevitability.

For example…I was staring at an old tree as I stood in the driveway recently and wondered which direction I would run if that well rooted tree suddenly decided to uproot itself and fall in my direction.  I didn’t stop to ask myself what would cause a tree to fall, I simply found myself planning my escape in the unlikely event that very thing should happen.  Not long after, the same tree was struck by lightning during a storm and one of the very large limbs did land in almost exactly the same place I imagined.  I was sleeping at the time, but if I had been standing in the yard during the storm, I would have known which way to run.  Of course, I would have surely tripped and fallen before escaping the impact zone, and probably would have died from my injuries.   Preparation isn’t the same as prevention after all.

So where does that leave me?  With another example of why you read my blog, of course. 

After a long hot weekend, I gave up my vow to avoid Dairy Queen at all costs, and made a trip to the drive-thru today.  My cup of ice cream (expertly blended with bits of candy just the way I like it) was starting to melt by the time I plopped down in my chair to eat it while multitasking.  I had my laptop balanced across my lap, my phone rested beside that, and my ice cream in one hand as I fended off the advances of one very tenacious mastiff as he attempted to stick his tongue in my treat.  I lifted the ice cream above my head, trying not to spill my computer or my phone onto the floor and pushed against his slobbery face.  It took me a few seconds to register the cold, sticky sensation of my ice cream, pouring over the top of my head and down the back of my shirt as the cup tilted in my hand. 

I salvaged enough to eat and managed to keep the dog occupied lapping up the mess on the floor, effectively killing two birds with one stone.  And since I lost a good bit to the curse of the klutz, I figured I saved a few calories too. 

There’s always a positive side to everything, right?

Until the next time…I’ll be preparing for my next walk across the floor!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

monday monday

I have never been happier to bid the weekend adieu.  As in, goodbye weekend…good riddance, can’t wait for Monday.  You know Monday, that day we all love to hate?  Well, this week, Monday is my new best friend, because it means the weekend is over. I usually look forward to those few uninterrupted days with my husband, but not this week.  This week, the time we spent together was torture. 

Literally. 

He made me help with the outdoor chores.  And while I will readily admit they needed to be done, I can honestly say I wanted nothing to do with them.  All things considered, I would have rather been cooking for six.  Seriously, why do outdoor chores need to be completed while the sun is directly overhead, beating down like a red hot club, whipping me across every exposed surface of my body?  I am pitifully unprepared for a sun outing.  I have no natural defenses against the ultraviolet rays.  I have light eyes and light skin, and the sun considers me fresh meat, ripe for the taking.  I swear, I think the sun lets loose with a loud, “Bwahahahaha” the minute I step foot under a clear blue sky. 

I am only slightly exaggerating.  I have been known to get sunburned in a dark movie theater…that is how easily I burn.  So what on earth was my husband thinking when he dragged me out of the house, kicking and screaming…begging to be set free to climb back into the safety of my coffin?  Ok I was just kidding that time I don’t sleep in a coffin.  But you get the picture, right?

And ok, so I wasn’t gracious about it.  I whined about the heat, complained about my skin igniting under a cloudless sky, cried about my need for cold water and air conditioning.  I apparently whimpered over and over again that I would die if I had to stay outside another minute.  Even my son looked me in the face and said, “Mom, you won’t die…get a grip.  It’s just daylight.”

I didn’t die, but I think I may have come really close.  

And when my husband discovered I wasn’t sweating, because despite popular opinion I don’t really sweat (which is apparently really bad), he was actually a little worried and sent me inside for water and shade.   I imagined him comparing me to some delicate flower, but to my surprise he told me I wasn’t dainty, or prissy, or any other such adjectives.  I guess I’m just a northern girl…and northern girls have no business out in that hot southern sun. 

Or maybe I’ve watched a just few too many vampire movies.

Until the next time…I’ll be enjoying my Monday from the inside of my air conditioned house.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

brother can you spare some chocolate?

Have you ever had one of those days when an overwhelming feeling of dread looms in the distance like the low pressure of a coming storm?  You can’t put your finger on it, but you wear it like a piece of heavy jewelry…the kind that leaves a nasty green ring around your wrist.

I have no real reason to feel anxiety. I’m not in the path of a hurricane.  I didn’t feel the rumblings of a powerful earthquake. I simply had an argument with my husband.  It wasn’t a huge fight in the grand scheme of things, but it upset me just the same. 

I mean, do I really expect every day to be happiness and joy?  Do I somehow think life won’t poke its dirty little finger into my face from time to time to drag my smile into a frown?  I guess I expect perfection, but let’s face it, perfection is unattainable.  I tell my husband that every time he shakes his head at my disastrous cooking or my inability to linger in the bright sunlight on a hot day. 

It’s true.  I’m far from perfect.  But I still look at the world through rose colored glasses.  I refuse to see the cup half empty. I relentlessly seek out the slightest drop of positive in every ounce of negative.  I laugh at disaster and spontaneously burst into song while feeding the dogs or doing my laundry.  I’m the girl who turns every minute of my life into a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical.   

So why the hell do I feel like I just discovered I’m allergic to chocolate?

Thank God it's not that bad! In fact, I’ve sent my son to the store for an emergency supply of chocolate.  I told him to make sure it has lots of nuts in it, because I subscribe to the notion that you are what you eat.  And I need to get back to being a just little bit nuts.  It suits me much better than the portrait of a sad faced girl. 

Who knows…maybe I’ll toss down a wine cooler and watch an old Godzilla movie while I wax something.  Stranger things have happened.

Until the next time…I’ll be gorging on chocolate until I feel like myself again.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

you can just call me Madonna

My husband called me a rock star tonight.  Admittedly, it wouldn’t be the first time.  I have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat diva-ish.  An old boyfriend once asked me if I owned stock in Maybelline (I didn’t) and I was once known to show up at work wearing giant sunglasses (and I didn’t take them off until just before lunch) I can’t help it…well, maybe I can…but it’s all part of my charm, really.  Tonight’s remark stemmed from an innocent moment at our favorite restaurant.  And luckily, he wasn’t upset with me, or embarrassed.  I didn’t make a scene or cause a ruckus.  I simply mentioned to the waitress how I would love to have a root beer float with my veggie pizza.  They don’t make root beer floats at this restaurant, but she happily fulfilled my silly wish.  I also ordered my pizza with toppings not on the menu.  I was on a roll after all.  Why be conventional? 

See?  A definite rock star moment.

I needed that moment.  The rest of my day was terrible.  No new cell phone (thanks to the evil cell phone company) and a possible case of heatstroke.  My husband just doesn’t understand why a girl who stays up all night long doesn’t want to stand in the blistering hot sun cleaning the driveway.  This is August.  The temperatures were hovering somewhere around the surface of the sun, and I wasn’t wearing my air conditioned bubble.  I may need a vacation.  Or at least a night off. 

I’ve decided to interview potential guest bloggers.  

So if you’d like to write a guest blog for me next Friday night, come up with your klutziest moment and put it in the comments.  The other readers can vote.  Or something like that.  It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.  So let the klutzes have the floor, and good luck to you all.

Until the next time…I’ll be playing my air guitar.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

they call me writer

As a child, I had imaginary friends.  And although I don’t remember them, my mother tells me I had rather lengthy conversations with mine.  I was always off in my own little world, making up magical companions and fanciful places to explore.

I think this was the first clue that I would grow up to be a writer.

But a writer doesn’t live in the same world as other people.  When you see the utterly impossible, I see endless possibilities.  When you feel empty, I am filled with promise.  A stick is never just a stick it’s a pirate sword, or a light saber.  A dark shadow is never just an empty corner, but a portal to another dimension swarming with unseen dangers. I spend a good bit of my time dwelling in this enchanted land of my own making, tucked away with the countless characters I have created out of the same dark nothingness some can’t seem to escape.  I breathe life into these characters, passing their thoughts, feelings and experiences onto you, the reader. 

Right…so in simple terms this basically means I hear voices.  If I called myself anything other than a writer, men in white coats would show up at my doorstep with a straight jacket and a needle filled with happy juice. 

But a being a writer doesn’t make me crazy.  I do hear voices, but I know those voices are coming from within myself.  They aren’t nameless imaginary friends.  Those voices are pockets of creativity bubbling up and forcing their way out. 

I need those voices…they’re a part of me. 

And maybe I am just a little bit nuts around the edges…sort of like a garnish.  I mean, I may not talk to imaginary friends anymore but I do sometimes talk to my cat.  He doesn’t speak English though, so it’s usually a short conversation. 

Until the next time…I’ll be hanging out in imagination land with a hottie named Cooper.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

it's not always good to be the queen

I had other blog topics for tonight, but like many nights, I thought of something better in the final stretch to blogtime. 

The inspiration came to me while my daughter watched an all-day marathon of the Showtime series, The Tudors.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s the story of Henry VIII of England and his 6 wives.  Unlike the portraits I’ve seen of King Henry, the TV version is pretty swoon worthy. 

So in catching glimpses of Henry as he divorced, beheaded, mourned, annulled, beheaded (again), and widowed his six wives over the course of an entire day it got me thinking about my own husband.  You know the one, I bitched about him last night in my blog.

Well…maybe “bitched about” is a bit harsh, but I did write about how my husband doesn’t shower me with compliments every day, considers me “unique” (and other assorted not so drop dead sexy type things) and otherwise fails to tell me on a daily basis how loved and wonderful I am.

Fairly typical guy type stuff, I’m certain.

But as I watched hottie Henry chop the heads from his second and fifth wives, it dawned on me that perhaps I was a bit unfair to the hubby.  Maybe it's a good thing he doesn't treat me like a queen.

I have no doubt there are days when my husband would like to casually trip me as I walk across a busy intersection, but in truth he has actually prevented me from stepping in front of a moving vehicle on numerous occasions.  He was there to pick me up during at least two of the times I’ve gotten a concussion, and he even broke land speed records reaching me when a panic attack convinced me I was dying of a massive coronary.  There was even this one time I slipped on a dog toy walking through our bedroom.  My feet came out from under me and I hung in the air for what seemed like the longest time before falling back to earth with a resounding thud, knocking the air out of me and spraining my boob.  I know…who the hell does this but me, right? 

Even if he may doubt the fact that I have a sound head on my shoulders, at least he’s not trying to separate the two permanently.  Basically, he’s there when I need him, even if he’s rolling his eyes at my absurdity the whole time. 

Until the next time…I’ll be kissing up to my husband just a little.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

at least I’m unique

“She has a nice personality.”  

Why is that statement the kiss of death?  It’s one of the oldest dating clichés.  Without actually saying it, it says a girl isn’t all that.  Basically, she’s not attractive. 

The question, “Is she hot?” The reply, “She has a nice personality.” 

Kiss of death. 

But isn’t a nice personality a good thing to have?  Sure it is, but let’s face it; that is not what we women want to hear.  I don’t care who you are, you have to admit in some deep dark place within yourself, you want to be considered pretty at the very least.  And maybe I will expose my low self-esteem when I say I want validation from time to time.  It would certainly be nice to hear.  Hell, I might even admit I need it.  

And hey, I’ve had my share of compliments in my day.  If I stacked those compliments up I could probably spread them out to hold me over for the rest of my life, but it doesn’t work like that does it?  Not exactly. 

I’ll bet you’re wondering where I’m going with this…

I know my husband loves me, but some days I have no idea why.  He isn’t the type to dole out compliments, in fact I could probably count on one hand how many times he has complimented my looks…my intelligence…my singing…my decisions…or even my writing.  That’s not to say he has never complimented me, he just doesn’t give them out freely. 

It gets better…

I asked him today if he thought I was funny…so I was fishing, sue me.  He smiled and said I was “unique”.  “Ummm…unique?” I laughed.  “Isn’t that the same thing as saying I have a nice personality?” 

He laughed.  But he didn’t say anything.  So of course, I urged him to continue.  Ok, I nagged.  “Don’t I make you laugh?”  I asked.  “Oh…I laugh alright,” was his reply.  This didn’t make me feel any better.  I nudged for more.  He just laughed.  Apparently, I’m “one of a kind” and “there is no one like you” and “you have many wonderful qualities” I’m pretty sure I know what he meant by this, but my mother reads this blog.  

All I could get out of him was that he loved me.  For my uniqueness or in spite of it, I wasn’t sure.  But I guess we can’t really ask for more than to have someone take a good look at our weirdness and still want to be there…every day. 

Until the next time…I’ll be…well…unique.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

whatever happened to just say no?

Everyone needs a community of likeminded people on a similar quest.  I have a community like this and can honestly say I love my writer friends.  They keep me on track by inspiring me when I’m struggling.  They offer great suggestions when I’m out of blog material.  They also encourage me to do things I know I shouldn’t do.  Yes, these are the same instigators that tried to get me to cut mine own hair, pierce my own belly, lip or nose, or even better…tattoo my own bottom.  I laugh at them, thinking surely they jest…but the truth is I don’t think they’re kidding.

It’s like I’m back in high school, or maybe college. 

These troublemakers actually hope to encourage me into a situation more disastrous than a self-inflicted bikini wax.  They want to read about a flooded stove on steroids.  They want to entice me into blogging while intoxicated. 

Yes, BWI. 

And because I love my writery friends, and because I’m always desperate for something good to blog about, and most importantly because I’m already home and have no place I need to go…I’ve downed a wine cooler.  Oh yeah…a whole one. 

But was that good enough for my two pressuring peers?  Hell no.  The Twitter feed from these two was sending me such messages as “chug, chug, chug” and because one of them is from Australia, “scull, scull, scull.” 

Essentially they were spurring me on to drink more.  So of course, I cracked open a second mango wine cooler. 

Woohoo…I’m a grown up victim of peer pressure.  My husband is looking at me with narrowed eyes and a sour expression, wondering why I’m laughing at him.  I’m not laughing with you honey, I’m laughing at you.  Or rather I’m laughing because I can barely type and I’m trying to write a blog. 

I have a Canadian devil on one shoulder and an Australian one on the other.  And I’m fairly certain my old boyfriends would love to know it would have been this easy to get me drunk…just challenge me to write a blog this way.  Oh yeah, I didn’t blog back then.  But still.  All it took was two girls from my writer clique and I'm one big step toward intoxication.

Of course, I’m not behaving like a very good example for other writers.  We really shouldn’t be so easily seduced into compromising our ideals just for our readers…should we?  Or is our entire goal to write something our readers will essentially chug (or scull)? 

I think Hemingway said it best when he said to write drunk, edit sober.

I don’t know how exactly this applies to me…I’ve only had one and a half wine coolers…but it seems like pretty good advice just the same.

Until the next time…I’ll be doing pirouettes on the coffee table.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

it's a piece of cake

Today has been another one of those days that has me grasping a fist full of my own hair in one hand, and a sharp pair of scissors poised at the ready in the other, just one loud noise away from marrying the two in a single slice.  Why?  Well, my house is a text book example of chaos theory, my shower is too small to effectively shave my legs, and my children can’t decide between chocolate and vanilla birthday cake to celebrate the three who have August birthdays.  Is it any wonder I’m ready to lop off my own hair in an act of foolish defiance?  I think not. 

Where do I begin?

First thing this morning, I was rudely awakened by one of our newly minted adult children phoning me to say she would be going out of town with some friends.  Not far out of town, but far enough that she would be either very late, or not in attendance at the family birthday celebration planned for this evening.  Unfortunately, because she chose to call before I was fully awake, I didn’t recognize anything she said as being English, so I disregarded it as a telemarketing phone call and went back to sleep.   Not more than an hour later, another of my newly minted adult children came thundering into my room with the announcement that not only did her sister go out of town and would miss birthday cake, but she didn’t take her along.  This was considered a two-fer crime as they had discussed this trip the evening before and it was decided they couldn’t go or risk parental ire.  Apparently, one of them reneged on the deal.

Luckily, now that she’s eighteen my daughter is all grown up and didn’t go on for more than a few minutes with her tirade before making new plans, including the plan where she would eat all the cake meant for the other.  Problem solved.

This freed up the rest of my morning for more important things, like shaving my legs. 

The problem with shaving my legs is far too deep to get into in a single blog, but I’ll try to break it down for you.  My shower is the size of an airplane toilet.  Or worse…the bathroom on a Greyhound bus…minus all that space.  I’ve written about this before, but it always bears repeating.  I hate my shower.  It’s a corner unit that reminds me of a tanning bed turned upright.  My husband has repeatedly promised to replace it since the day we moved into the house over six months ago, but since there is a list as long as one of my hairy legs that he has to work on, I suppose it will have to wait. 

So in the absence of a nice shower, I would use the one I had. 

I twisted on the water and ducked out of the way as the spray went haywire, soaking me from head to toe before I had even undressed.  And not just me, but the floor and everything on it.  The dog heard my screams and bashed the door open to rescue me from the water, getting himself wet in the process.  At least he’s clean now.  I tucked myself behind the vinyl curtain like a shield and reached in to fix the cockeyed showerhead. Then I waited a full ten minutes for the water to heat up. 

Are you getting the picture yet?  Right…too awful to imagine, I know. 

So I step in and struggle to stay within the confines of this tiny death trap while bending down to shave the length of my legs without poking any part of my body out of the curtain.  This is entirely impossible, but I struggle nonetheless. 

Once I’m done in the shower, and forced to accept the fact that I have missed entire spots on my legs, thereby making me look like I have some sort of horrible skin condition, I tackle the cake baking process.  As I’m sure you know, I hate to cook but love to bake.   But if I’m going to bake, someone needs to wash the dishes.  That someone turns out to be the youngest child in our house.  She was here for her every other weekend visit, fraught with such tortures as spider squashing, dog drool and dish washing. 

To say she is squeamish would be hugely understated, as the other kids are frequently found chasing her around the house with a piece of tissue they claim was used to kill a bug.  Rarely is that the case, but nevertheless, she runs screaming throughout the house much to the delight of her sadistic siblings.  So, of course, we give her dish duty.  I’m all about procrastinating and weaseling out of chores, but this kid takes the cake (no pun intended).  Every bit of stuck on food was suddenly a conspiracy to gross her out, and quite possibly not food at all but some alien life form planning to suck her brains out for what little bits of knowledge she has acquired in her thirteen years of life. 

Once the kitchen was thoroughly flooded and the child completely soaked, my husband thankfully relieved her of the task before we had to build an ark.  All kidding aside, she’s almost as bad in the kitchen as me.

So with the cakes baked (one chocolate, one vanilla) and all but the one child who disappeared early this morning in attendance, we sat down for a lovely family dessert.  Spencer sat in his room watching a movie.  My husband sat in the living room watching Planet Green with Mady.  Alexa sat in the kitchen with me and Lauren’s replacement, a tagalong friend who heard we had cake.  It wasn’t what I had in mind when I planned the day, but what is that saying about the best laid plans? 

Yep…they go right down the drain of my awful shower.

Until the next time…I’ll be shaving my legs in the sink!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

might as well be walking on the sun

My daughter came to me this morning with a great idea.  Or so she said.  She wanted to take Indiana Jones, the Mastiff to the dog park.  By herself. 

I didn’t think this was a good idea at all.  Indy is a giant-sized child with a stubborn streak, and he easily outweighs my eighteen year old daughter.  I had visions of her being dragged behind him at the end of a leash across the woodchips on the playground on the way to the doggy area.  I envisioned her dialing her cell phone from a grassy knoll to tell me she had lost my dog. 

I sat up in bed and gave her an emphatic no. 

Being an eighteen year old girl, she of course, had to come up with an argument.  “But Mom…”

This is what I answer to these days…but Mom.  Back in the days when they were just babies and I spent countless hours using cutesy baby talk trying in vain to get them to say “Mama” before they said “Dada” I had no idea I would end up as a “but Mom” but here I am just the same.

“But Mom…Indy hasn’t gone to the park in ages.  He wants to goooo.”  She stretched that last word out on a whine. 

Then she produced a leash and Indy came charging into the room and flew into the bed with a thud, taking the leash in his teeth. 

She’s good I’ll give her that.  She learned from the best.

“I’ll go with you.” That was my concession.   I would go to the dog park with her so Indy could play.  It was a very well-played guilt trip.

I got dressed in my “drool” clothes, the ones I wear when taking Indy anywhere that may be drool inducing, and headed to my car.  My daughter had loaded one of the other more manageable dogs into her car and was backing out as I stuffed Indy into the backseat of my clean Kia Soul.

I wasn’t looking forward to a day at the dog park.  It was hot, and Indy was big, and I was lazy.  I wanted to stay in the air conditioned comfort of my house.  I would almost rather cook a meal than trek out to the dog park on a hot Saturday afternoon.  Almost.

I decided I would need something to bribe Indy to stay with me while we walked across the open space between the parking area and the fenced dog space, so we swung into the McDonald’s drive thru for a bottle of water and some French fries. 

After ordering, I pulled up to the window to pay, and rolled Indy’s window down.  I love to do this, and it always manages to make me laugh.  The boy at the window dropped his mouth open and gasped.  “That’s a big dog,” he said.

That’s an understatement, I was thinking. 

The funniest looks came from the people eating inside near the window as they watched Indy go by as we drove off.  I wish I’d taken a picture, but I was driving.

We pulled into the parking lot and piled out of the car.  I saw my daughter’s car, but not my daughter, so Indy and I started toward the dog area.  Lucky for me, Indy was more interested with every spot along the way where another dog had peed.  He wasn’t pulling me, I was pulling him.  When we reached the playground Indy was interested in the children, but not enough to distract him from the dogs in the distance.  He was suddenly on a mission. 

I reached into the bag and pulled out a few fries as bait. 

After a handful of fries we were almost at the gate, and I was covered in slobber.  And pulling up the rear was my daughter with the other dog.  She raced to catch up to us, and beat us through the gate.  Once we were both on the inside and the dogs were off their leashes she announced, “I’m going to play Frisbee with my friends.  You stay here with the dogs.  I’ll be back.”

I just looked at her, my mouth agape.  I had no words.  I didn’t even understand what had just happened.  She smiled and with a little wave was back through the gate and skipping off to the open grassy area to play with her friends. 

And I was stuck in the dog park with my two dogs and a host of others, all waiting to slobber all over me for my bag of fries.

Indy ran straight for the shaded area under the trees where, luckily the benches were waiting for me.  I sat down with the leashes and Indy plunked himself down in front of the water bucket where he spent most of his time.  The dog park may have well been parked on the face of the sun for as hot as it was, and Indy had no desire to play with anyone.  

I have no idea how long we were there, I lost track as I chatted with the other doggy parents…but I think I gained a few new blog readers by the time I was done.  And now my car needs a thorough washing, inside and out, to remove the copious amounts of dried on drool.

Oh, and Indy said he has no desire to visit the dog park again until fall weather moves into Atlanta and I passed that info on to my daughter.  She can hardly argue with that.  I hope.

Until the next time…I’ll be heading to the car wash!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

you can call me blogyver

It would appear as if I've gotten quite the reputation. 

People seem to think I can write about anything.  Throw a topic at me, I will run with it, and make no mistake about it…you will laugh. 

Case in point…Godzilla.

Godzilla is what happens when a girl has writer’s block at eleven forty-five when the blog is posted at midnight.  Just add a handful of writers on Twitter tossing topics into the stream and voila. 

I admit it…I fish. 

Sometimes the strangest things end up on my hook.   One night I caught zombies.  Another night it was a tourniquet.   Every now and then I throw them back…like the night someone suggested I pierce my own nose.  Or give myself a tattoo.  Other times I mull it over for hours before finally deciding it might be a bad idea to cut my own hair, no matter how bad I might need a cut, or a laugh. 

I’m almost afraid to admit how often I fish in that open stream.

Like tonight.  I was wading around the Twitter stream, looking for ideas in my rubber hip boots and lighted miner’s hat, and what I found reminded me of the inside of a shark…a couple of license plates, a baseball glove, half a fish, and a roll of aluminum foil.  So I tossed everything back but the foil and a bag of cheese that was lying around the boat and decided to MacGyver my way through the blog tonight.

I used the foil while I made dinner.  I had to kill a bug, and as it turns out, you can actually use foil to squash spiders.  It’s thicker than paper towels and compared to the size of a spider it sort of feels like a wall of steel or something.  You can also use foil to make a helmet to protect your brain from mindreading aliens or weak solar flares.  Apparently you can cook with it too, but I wouldn’t know much about that. 

Once the spider was dead and the foil helmets were in place, I took the bag of cheese that landed in my boat to make macaroni and cheese carbonara.  Don’t laugh.  I said I hate to cook, not that I don’t know how. 

It was pretty good, all things considered, but I would still rather not cook if given the option.  I still haven’t recovered from the heat in the kitchen.  I know I’m a wimp.  I can’t argue that fact.  I never said I was good at roughing it.

Which reminds me…my husband started talking about living in the woods again.  I think he’s trying to use child psychology on me to get me to appreciate the comforts of indoor cooking and bathrooms.  It’s not working. 

I have my sights set on room service and linen sheets. 

Until the next time…It’s wine coolers and ice cream sandwiches for me!

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.

this is your brain on adrenaline

It’s funny how one day you’re on top of the world, dancing around the room like a three year old in a fairy princess costume, and the next you’re digging through a basket for the last pair of clean underwear and the peanut M&M you think may have been in the pocket of your jeans.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pretty excited, but after being awake all day and night, I’m too tired to think.

After spending hours writing my synopsis, I sent it out to, not two, but three writer friends to proofread, and then called a few more just to be sure it sounded as good when read aloud.  Then I woke up my husband to read it to him, but sent him back to bed when he tried to tell me how to “fix” it, when he doesn’t even read chick lit. I mean, since when does he have a clue about writing fiction? 

Deep breath.

Yeah, I’m still coming down off an adrenaline high.  It’s a good thing I don’t drink caffeine…I can’t imagine the scary things I would get myself into.  I mean, just a few minutes ago I had this entire blog written and my laptop went dark.  I had plugged the power cord into the surge protector strip but apparently never checked to be sure the surge protector strip was plugged into the wall.  Must I really be responsible for these things?  Isn’t making people laugh quite enough responsibility for one person???

Deep breath.

Ok, so maybe I had a diet Coke today.  Just one…well…and one refill.  But it was at seven-thirty this evening, so it should wear off somewhere around ten am tomorrow.  Right around the time I’ll be getting up.

Maybe I should just go to bed.  After all, it’s been a long day filled with…something.  I know I did something all day.  I just can’t put my finger on it now.

Oh yeah…that proposal.  I did get actually get the proposal out to the agent, and I will probably continue to be wired to the walls until I hear back…

In about six weeks or so. 

Until the next time…I’ll be catching up on a few hours of sleep.

Copyright © 2000-2025, Erica Lucke Dean. All rights reserved. Any retranscription or reproduction is prohibited and illegal.